Sakura of DOOM

Dear reading list:

Why did no one tell me DMP was putting out Higuri You's series on Ludwig II and not only that but that it HAS ALREADY BEEN RELEASED?

Especially when Cantarella is on hold!

FAIL, FLIST, FAIL.

- Oyce

*runs off to buy*

Not the Ben Affleck and Bruce Willis movie, although I feel that one would have been much improved with the presence of Andy Lau, spontaneous combustion, and lethal microwaves.

As noted previously, this involves lethal microwaves and the deaths of assorted famous scientists via spontaneous combustion. And as Rachel notes, she watched this first until a priest spontaneously combusted and then something else EVEN MORE CRACKTASTIC happened, fell off her sofa laughing, then stopped the DVD and decided she had to wait and watch it with me.

I am not entirely sure what this says about either of us.

Yoon, on the other hand, wisely abstained from watching, as the bad science in the movie probably would have caused her to spontaneously combust, leaving me and Rachel with only a remnant of spine, left foot, and liver to autopsy.

( Spoilers would be movie-destroying if it were possible to truly spoil the effects of this movie )

I realize there are absolutely no connecting phrases or really anything between each paragraph of plot point, but that is because there are none in the movie either! I have no idea how we got from one to the other, save via jump cut!

ETA: Also, in one scene, Andy Lau, is carefully slipping a ring onto his finger. His hand is held very close to his face.

RACHEL: Is he putting the ring on the wrong finger? Shouldn't it be on his right hand?
ME: Um. I was too busy admiring Andy Lau's cheekbones to notice. And his eyes. And jaw line. And nose...

Rachel and Yoon are safely here, despite being on I-5 for six years months hours. Rachel blames her lack of time sense on the car trip. I think I will blame it on the cows populating I-5.

I have successfully sicced So You Think You Can Dance on Yoon and Rachel, and this week's had a beautiful classical pas de deux; the quickstep aka the kiss of death; a Twilight-inspired vampire dance, which I thought was there specifically as a welcome to Yoon and Rachel; and a tinfoil alien/dinosaur with spikes on her head abduction mpreg dance, which made me change my mind about the prior welcome to Yoon and Rachel, since this must be the REAL welcome!

And now, we are about to watch Armageddon, which Rachel has introduced as having a spontaneously combusting priest in the first five minutes.

The back cover copy is [bracketed comments by me]:

The world's 10 most influential scientists are being mysteriously killed one by one [as one does. Pause. Burst into laughter for a minute straight] (via spontaneous combustion, lethal microwaves and other strange causes).

[Me: I guess by lethal microwaves they mean ray-gun-like things, but I keep picturing scientists bashing each other over the head with microwaves!

[Rachel: I thought it was a giant microwave that you stuffed people in!

[Me: Maybe they shove microwaves off tall buildings onto innocent scientist bystanders...]

One of the scientists, software prodigy Dr. Ken (Andy Lau [aka the reason Rachel Netflixed this), searches for clues to these bizarre deaths, only to see his fiancee apparently return from the dead. All indications point to the end of the world [as spontaneous combustion and returning from the dead so often does], and Dr. Ken may be the only one who can save humanity [from lethal microwaves. Via software].

Ha. And of course after I post saying I can't keep up with LJ, I spam you all with book posts. I am sure the deluge will stop as soon as I stop procrastinating!

I liked this a lot more than The Vampire's Claim, probably because the worldbuilding involves heaven and hell instead of vampires.

And mermaids.

Actually, wait. there are vampires too.

I mentioned Joey Hill's cracktasticness before, right?

This is the sequel to Hill's angel-mermaid romance A Mermaid's Kiss, which I did not read because it looks like one of those "beautiful angelic (but not actually an angel) mermaid heroine saves the actually angelic but bitter and guarded hero" things. Also, reports of pixie/normal-sized-angel sex scared me.

I picked this book up because the Dear Author review notes that the heroine is the sea witch Mina, who is half Dark One (read: half-demon). Also, she has tentacles and half her body has been eaten away by fish thanks to a childhood incident. The angel David has been sent to guard her and to keep an eye on hher, as no Dark Spawn (I want to be Dark Spawn!) has ever been not-evil before. The angels are afraid that Mina will join the Dark Ones and wreak havoc with her very considerable power.

I love Mina. She is grumpy and not good and determinedly neutral. She hates pretty much everyone and subscribes to the Sanzo school of showing affection via putdowns. And although Hill changes her a little by the end (which I dislike), she remains herself through most of the book. Also, she makes declarations of love by asking David to kill her if she goes evil! I also love that even though David uses his dominance in sex to help Mina control her Dark Side, he generally backs off and lets her set her own pace and her own terms. Also also, even though he has substantial angst, most of the book is about Mina.

Other cool things/cracktastic bits: Even though there are angels, the main deities are the God and the Goddess. The Goddess seems to be the deity most in play. There are wounded wings AND eye loss! And! My favorite: ZOMBIE DINOSAURS!

The plot finale is spectacular and epic; I actually wished at times it were manga so I could get the visuals. However, despite the coolness, I'm not quite sure what happened, a la Yuki Kaori. That said, I am fairly certain there was a lack of zombie angel embryos. Unfortunately, the way Hill solves the problems presented by the finale reversed a lot of things I liked about the book, and the epilogue features a baby.

In conclusion: I liked this better than The Vampire's Claim, especially when it came to the characters, but it's still flawed. On the other hand, so much crack!

I realized I should have written this up while rachelmanija was still here so I could pull direct quotes from the manga!

So. The planet Earth is the spawning ground for mermaids, who swim through space for light-years and only have a short span of time on Earth to birth their eggs, after which they turn into sea foam. Unfortunately, Seira, the Little Mermaid, screwed things up big time for the mermaids by falling for a human instead of the merman, and now there's a prophecy that her child Benjamin (female) must mate with merman Shonach to prevent Earth from being destroyed by ecological catastrophes.

Alas, Benjamin is still immature, meaning that she's currently walking around Earth as a twelve-year-old boy named Jimmy. Jimmy also has amnesia, thanks to a car accident, and the man who was driving the car, Art Gile, has currently taken Jimmy under his wing.

I am not even getting to most of the plot and how the mermaids are asexual and only the strongest mermaid gets to become a female and birth eggs and the dark side of the moon being inhabited by fish and lace flowers and the creepy twins Seth and Teruto and and and...

If you couldn't tell, the plotting is cracktastic and yet, strangely compelling. This is unfortunate because everyone is basically going after twelve-year-old Jimmy and mate with him! I am actually less creeped out by this than I am by Jimmy's relationship with Art. At least the other mermaids are operating with the knowledge of mermaid biology, whereas Art the human is just skeevy for being attracted to his twelve-year-old foster kid.

Also, he hits Jimmy! I suspect the mangaka was trying to go for a Sanzo-Goku vibe, but it does not work when one of the people in question is a young child!

The manga also has an incredibly offensive portrayal of a black woman, poor taste in using real-life tragedies, gorgeously surreal art, completely messed up gender politics, and fascinating world-building. I am not sure what to think.

Blood Hound - Kanou Rion's friend has disappeared, and she barges into Krankenhaus, a host club, based off of a business card her friend handed her. There, she runs across Suou and the other vampire hosts, solves the mystery of her friend's disappearance, and then goes on to solve another mystery while trying to find Suou again. There's some potentially interesting angst involving Rion as the possible reincarnation of some heavenly woman the vampires have been searching for, and a little more involving Rion, Suou, and their pasts, but it only stays there in the background, taunting the reader by showing a taste of what Blood Hound could be as a series, not a one shot. Also, while I'm glad Yuki Kaori is writing more women, it would be nice if all the women who aren't the heroine weren't all evil or victims.

Overall, very disappointing, and I will instead imagine an ideal version of the story, which has angst galore, barely sublimated sexual tension in the form of biting and neck licking, better loligoth outfits, and a heroine who has a mysterious past that is actually an important part of the story.

... or I'll just reread Vampire Knight.

Boys Next Door - I refuse to put an apostrophe in "Boys," even if Yuki Kaori wrote it in. Adrian Clay is an elementary teacher who murders male prostitutes in his spare time. Lawrence Hill ("La" or "Lawr," and no, I am not making that up) is a fourteen-year-old male prostitute who accidentally witnesses Adrian murdering people. It's a beautiful love story for the ages!

If you're Yuki Kaori, that is.

In other words, I love this to pieces. It is absolutely cracktastic and entirely wrong on so many levels—the underage sex! Dead mothers as the cause of their sons' psychoses! The CIRCUS! And did I mention the whole serial killing thing?—and yet, it is awesome! Awesome!

I am not sure I can write a good review for this. It has, in addition to the bad-and-wrong elements mentioned above, sexy finger licking, a tattoo, and killing someone/offering your body as a cannibalistic meal as the ultimate expression of love. I think people can decide for themselves if that is right up their alley or not. (I love it and make high-pitched squealing noises about it that I reserve solely for Yuki Kaori's most cracktastic work.)

There are also some short stories in the back, but I skipped them, as the art and the paneling were terrible. Tell me if I missed something good!

Kaine - Rock star Kaine has died in a car crash, and his twin brother must now replace him. It is cracktastic and gothic and has a proto-Kira/Setsuna relationship. Also, there are death wishes, evil women (OH YUKI KAORI WHY), and a mysterious album that causes everyone who listens to it to commit suicide. Everything else I can say about this is spoilery.

( Spoilers! )

There were also short stories in the back of this that I skipped. Again, tell me if I missed something good!

The art is so bad! The characters are so horrifying! The premise is so insane! And yet, I borrowed volumes 3 and 4 from Rachel anyway.

Sadly, I read volume 3 at Mariposa, so I cannot quote the most insane bits. I suspect the one that had me boggling the most was (one male character re: another) "I won't let anyone fuck my bitch! He's mine!"

This would not be amiss coming from a villain, but in an OH JOHN RINGO NO manner, it is supposed to be taken as very romantic.

There were probably also multiple references to womb worms that I read aloud to anyone who would listen (I feel the bogglement must be spread around), but I have thankfully wiped them from my brain.

( Minor spoilers )

ETA: coniraya! This is the insane animals-as-humans mpreg series I was telling you about!

I have been much amused by rachelmanija and rilina's various posts about Gundam series, particularly SEED and 00. Though I am thoroughly spoiled for both, I strangely am also not spoiled, as there is so much crack and insanity that I cannot keep it all straight.

It also helps that both Rilina and Rachel get confused as to who is in which series as well, so it's not just me and my poor facial recognition!

So far, I am greatly amused, albeit entirely confused as to who is who, who pilots what Gundam, what everyone's names are, what everyone's Gundam's names are, and what faction everyone belongs to. At least I have the comfort of knowing that the latter will be completely inconsequential, as no doubt people will begin switching sides as soon as they sneeze.

While unlike other series, in which I get confused as to who is who because they all have the same color, style, and length of hair and all wear hats or have beards, everyone here is fairly distinguishable via hair. Sadly, this, like faction knowledge, is rendered completely inconsequential, as the pilots all wear face-and-hair-obscuring helmets while piloting!

I first thought that everyone's hair color matched their Gundams, but this is not the case. Instead, Allelujah Haptism, who has green hair, wears an orange jumpsuit and pilots an orange Gundam, while Lockon Stratos, who has brownish hair, wears a green jumpsuit and pilots a green Gundam. At least purple-haired Tieria Erde's hair matches his jumpsuit, as I guess that though he looks like a girl and wears a pink cardigan, a purple Gundam was just too much. (I keep pronouncing his name as "tiara," which I feel goes with the purple.)

Both Gundam SEED and 00 have been mucking up my usually good gender-detection radar, as anime and manga have long taught me to look for the presence of breasts, as opposed to hair style, clothing, or facial features. For the first time ever, I mistook a girl for a guy.

As mentioned, I identified the male Tieria as female. In my defense, it was before I heard him speak, and his images in the opening sequence make it look like he has breasts! How was I to know that the character design would include two lumpy breast-plate things over his chest area?

So far, as I suspect is with all Gundam series, the civilians are completely boring, the pilots are bugfuck insane, though sadly the main pilot (Setsuna F. Seiei, I swear I am not making these names up!) does not introduce himself with a maniacal laugh, as Heero does. On the other hand, he does get introduced via a traumatic backstory that, unlike Heero's, is actually as traumatic as the writers think it is.

Amazingly, I managed to get this far into a write-up without even touching on the plot! In 2307 AD, Earth is split up between three conglomerate nations, the HRL (vaguely Central Asian), the Union (vaguely USan), and the AEU (vaguely Western European). The world is fighting over solar energy (their oil equivalent), and each conglomerate has built a giant orbital elevator leading to solar energy collection stations.

No, I am not sure how the orbital elevators work either, as they go straight up for thousands of miles and the Earth orbiting one inch with mean who knows how many up in space and I will simply handwave.

Handwaving seemed to be a particular good idea after I realized that the Gundams (handily labeled "Gundam" on their heads!) were powered by..... magical green sparklies!

Not only that, but the magical green sparklies allow the Gundams to evade radar detection!

Anyway. An obscure and mysterious organization (as are they all) named Celestial Being has decided to end all war on Earth -- by waging war on anyone attempting to make war! As one does! This is a practical strategy only in the Gundam universe, though thankfully, even the characters seem to find it insane, which bodes well for their mental competence.

So far, this has lead to hilarious sequences in which people say things like, "Celestial Being is about to attack!" Celestial Being is apparently founded upon the principles of some old dead white guy, who I am certain will show up in flashbacks later.

( Spoilers )

After dropping Yoon off, Rachel drove up and we all had dinner in San Gabriel, home to the giant Chinese strip malls. As I commented, I think it's larger than the Chinese strip malls in three separate Bay Area cities combined. Though the restaurant Rachel was looking for seemed to have disappeared, we ended up getting noodles (and sausages and sticky rice) at Ah Tsong Noodles, which is a famous noodle place from Taiwan (here and here). Though we managed to go to Aji Ichiban and get chocolate-covered sunflower seeds, prunes, and preserved rose petals (amazingly tasty), it was too late to visit the massive CD/DVD store to look for kdramas.

Rachel and I then headed back and decided it was too late to watch any crack. So instead, I went to browse her manga shelves when we discovered.... a giant spider on the wall!

Well, it was not as giant as some of the monsters in Taiwan, which are as large as my hand, but it was still pretty freaking huge. And worse, it was lurking right above Flower of Life! Rachel bravely dashed in to rescue the manga as I kept an eye on the evil spider, which retaliated by crawling toward us. We both gave girly shrieks and ran out, closing the door behind us.

Then, instead of reading the manga Rachel had risked life and limb (er, or possibility of falling spider) to retrieve, I went through her Gundam Wing doujinshi! There is one with a pink sparkly cover, and when I flipped it open, I was traumatized to find Duo, clad in bunny ears, hot pants that did not even cover all of his ass, and a bunny tail. After that, I translated the one in which Duo is a werewolf. It is an AU. You can tell it is an AU because it has a giant toothed sandworm leaping out of the desert.

Rachel then regaled me with the plot of book 3 and 4 of Dune, which I never made it through because it was so incomprehensible. ( Spoilers for Dune ) Oh! And if anyone else remembers what happens in books 3 through eleventy billion of Dune, do spill in the comments! I will never read them, and I want to know.

Anyway, the doujinshi! I was very grateful when the worm appeared, as there had been a puzzling katakana phrase ("u(o)-mu"). "Womb?" I asked as Rachel snorfled. "Please tell me I am wrong, because I have no wish to see flying wombs in the desert!"

"And yet, it would be so appropriate for Angel Sanctuary," she said. As are so many things!

ETA: possible spoilers for Dune (all books) in the comments