Sakura of DOOM

Woe. Am missing wushu again. Well, technically I went last week, but now this means I have two sessions to make up! Maybe will go on Saturday.

I totally forgot that you aren't supposed to do strenuous activity or whatnot after giving blood. I mean, I was going to go anyway, except several people stopped and told me I probably shouldn't.

I'm continuously scared of giving blood, especially when I keep getting pricked on the finger and told my iron count is too low. I don't know why... it really doesn't hurt that much, it's just the thought of a giant freaking needle stuck in my arm.

Ok, ew, I just squicked myself out again.

But! I am at the point where I can watch the blood going into the baggie. The first time I gave blood, I looked over out of curiousity and nearly keeled over. This time, I noticed that the tubes going to the bag were warm. Obviously, it makes total sense for it to be warm, but it was still surprising.

I never really understood those people in books who would faint away at the sight of blood until then. I generally think I don't mind the sight of blood, but the thought that it's mine and that it's outside my body sort of freaks me out.

coffeeandink says: "I love A Little Princess! It is all about stories and pet rats and cold garrets and really kind of frightening stoicism, in retrospect. It was my favorite story in the world when I was nine years old."

I read this and had one of those moments in which a lot more things about me made sense. I read A Little Princess back in third grade or so; it's one of the books read prior to moving to Taiwan, so it's very early on in my mental development, or something.

And I adored it, and loved Sara, and pretty much wanted to be Sara. I loved the Magic and India and the dreary rooftops of London, as well as how secretly angry Sara could be and her kindness. I still remember her little speech to herself on staring Miss Minchin down and how she was stronger in the end because she wouldn't let her anger out like Miss Minchin did. And of course, I loved it because she read, and even in third grade, I found a kindred spirit when she tells one of her friends just how she feels when someone interrupts her while she's in the middle of a good book.

Sara Crewe was the reason why I was interested in the French Revolution and why I thought (and still sometimes think) that dolls and stuffed animals magically come to life behind closed doors.

Also, pet rats.

It all makes sense, I tell you!!

I just found out today that the next WorldCon is going to be in LA!! Which means accessability! So... it's a year away of course, but I sort of wanted to test the waters to see a) if there were any other Bay Area fans who wanted to drive down there, as I hate driving by myself and b) if anyone in LA would possibly want to put me up for a couple of days.

And since I'm pre-planning, I am going to book WisCon hotel rooms! I refuse to miss this one more year -- I've missed two now (Patricia McKillip and Robin McKinley, GRRRRRR!!!!!!), and I desperately, desperately want to go. I also want to wring someone's arm and make them include more panels on anime and manga, esp. with the comics market changing so drastically.

Anyway, I really meant to say, yhlee and I have decided to share a hotel room, and I figured I'd see if there were two more people who might want to room with us too. We are nice, friendly people! I can vouch that I am no axe-murderer, and neither is yhlee; Yoon, however, may be a sai-murderer. And I may sic roommates and force ten gigs or so of really bad, out-of-focus pictures of my rats on them.

I've also been going to a con the past few days for work, but one on the industry and the like. It's quite odd. I thought it'd be all professional and stuff, which it sort of is, but there are also the public camp-out spots with people desperately wi-fi-ing, along with late people, stupid panel questions, boring panels, and everything. And the final panel/clinic I went to today reminded me completely of a fan con (of which I have only gone to one, so am not expert). It was just a group of people gathered who were very interested in the web dev world; everyone talking knew certain jargon-ish terms and there was fond laughter about things like stupid linking practices or jokes about Google. I felt all fannish! Except, you know, professionally so. Anyway, it was a rather interesting brain space to be in.

Also, apparently I am an internet Fan and there is an internet Fandom, probably composed of people who read Wired and debate about file-sharing and web page best practices and whether or not Google's PageRank is a sign of the impending apocalypse or not. I bet there are even giant fandom wars on Creative Commons and whether external links should be in the same window or go to a pop-up.

But anyhow, parts of the conference were really boring, but the last panel got me really excited! Usability! Navigation! The annoyance of using unclear link text (my pet peeve)! Stupid shopping cart design!

There is a small tech geek inside me after all. Unfortunately, said small tech geek is also woefully uneducated and knows nothing. The inner small tech geek still gets ridiculously excited about things like dynamically generated pages, though. To quote coffee_and_ink, "Do not mock my trained monkey joy!" (the exclamation point is my personal addition, since I can't seem to write an entry without one. There are just so many exciting things though! Also, trained monkey joy! How is that not of the good?)

I was not going to write about London, because I feel like everything I could possibly say is trivial or cliched in light of what happened, and because right now, I would like to bury my head in the sand and pretend that things like this didn't happen in the world.

The human condition astounds me sometimes. Things happening in my personal life have been a little difficult, and then something like this happens, and everything is small and trivial and unimportant but that I am alive and the people I care about are as well.

I can't think about the larger politics, because my instinct is to personalize everything.

I dislike newspaper reports of the numbers and statistics, because I have a difficult time thinking of human lives that way. One person, I understand. One person, who is an acquaintance of many, who is the friend of a good deal, and is very close to a few. One person dead is so many affected. Thirty-seven people have died, at least the last I heard, and each one of those people is the center of a circle of influence, connected to so many others. Putting a number on it makes it seem small next to other tragedies, like the tsunami in December and 9/11, but one life is so very large that just one dead is tragedy enough. I don't think things like these can be measured.

And in just another moment, I will go back to posting and emailing and thinking about my own trivial life. Except, I know that it isn't trivial, not because I am more glorious or worthwhile, but because all the people who died did these things as well. Somehow, all these trivial things, all these cliches, they make up a life, and I don't think a life is ever trivial or cliched.

I adore California summers (yes, I insist that it is summer already). I love the warm to hot days and the sun and the cool night air. It makes me so aware of my skin and of the sheer joy of how it feels.

It's very interesting -- after reading Diane Ackerman's A Natural History of the Senses, I sort of came to the realization that I don't really use all five of my senses to the same degree. Er, I mean, I suppose that is rather obvious, but it wasn't something that I used to think about before. But I do more now, particularly after reading mrissa, jonquil and yhlee's posts on smell and scents and BPAL perfumes and realizing that I have no nose for scents. It's something that I would like to pay more attention to. It's also very obvious when I'm living with fannishly, who has a much keener appreciation for physical beauty than I do. And I've never really been a big music person -- I love music, I love the emotions it invokes, but I can't analyze it to the same degree that some people can, and I know my musical taste is very, very odd.

The scent one is particularly intriguing to me right now, especially since I'm waiting for my first BPAL imps order to come in and because I've been having a whole lot of fun playing around with fannishly's perfume collection (having a girly roommate is fun!). I don't even know what type of scents I will like, which made picking the BPAL imps very random and difficult. I'm not sure if I don't like musky at all, or if I just dislike the alcohol base on most perfumes. I used to think that I hated all perfume, but I think it may be that vaguely artificial smelling alcohol base, because I don't have this problem with essential oils or scented soaps and lotions. I do dislike a lot of scented candles, though, just because they smell too strong and too sweet. I particularly dislike the smell of vanilla when it's not associated with baking, just because it tends to be so overwhelming. And I very much cannot pick out different notes in perfume yet, much less different flower scents or anything (with the possible exception of roses, because I love roses). So I'm very much looking forward to the BPAL imps. I'm much better with food and cooking smells or nature smells... perfumes tend to confuse me a little. I like things like the smell of grass and the smell of pretty much anything cooking, of fresh coffee and of clean laundry. I suppose they are more life-smells than fancy smells, but now I'm totally intrigued by the perfumes and oils!

The thought that I have no real attachment to beauty is also very interesting, considering that almost everything I do is very visual. And yet, it's not the visual that gets to me the most -- the visual is merely how the information is conveyed in books and on the internet and on tv. I'm not very good at noting visual parallels or motion or whatnot, and so it often takes me multiple viewings to actually get a vid. It's always interesting reading yhlee's assorted tv posts because I'm generally a character-focused person, whereas she is very good at spotting visual motifs or visual foreshadowing or the like. I took a class on Japanese film just because I have no idea what the language of film is, and this is just really interesting that I don't pay that much attention to these things, given that I read a lot of comics and manga and watch a lot of tv. I don't know... I appreciate things like sunsets and beautiful architecture and the like, but it's not as ingrained in me as some other things are.

Music-wise and sound-wise, I'm completely awful at analyzing. I really wish I had taken a class on music theory or the like back in college. Even though I learned the piano when I was a kid (like all good Asian children, heh), I don't quite "get" music, if that makes any sense. I've taken singing lessons and such, and while I have a fairly good ear for tune, I don't really analyze music or listen to it on anything higher than a very instinctive level. I really wish people would talk about music more, because it's something that I wish I knew more about. jonquil and coffee_and_ink's posts on musicals and the like are fascinating because of this, as are yhlee's posts on music theory, which goes completely over my head.

The two senses that I pay a great deal of attention to, though, are taste and touch. The taste bit is probably not at all surprising to anyone who reads this LJ, given how much I talk about food and how much I love food. I love how things taste, I love the layers of them, I love how cooking different things together and in different ways brings out different flavors. I don't quite appreciate wine yet, but I think I am growing to more and more (this is all my dad's fault), and I totally get the cheese thing and how some cheeses taste clean and fresh (mmmm, goat cheese), and how some taste milky, and how others are strangely sharp yet sweet. And then there are the slightly nutty ones, and the somewhat sour ones, and then the layers of tastes. I love garlic. I love how herbs bring out flavors, and I love simply cooked meats and vegetables so that they just taste pure and clean, and I love food with just enough salt to leave the smallest impression that is sometimes there and sometimes not. This is the only time I really do pay attention to scent, when it's associated with taste. I don't know if I'm particularly good at tasting, whatever that means, but it's something I am very focused on (mmmmm, food) and something that I derive a great deal of pleasure from. A good meal is one of the very basic joys of my existence, and a sublime one is often remembered for years to come. Er, why yes, me and my dad will go around and talk about that meal we ate at that restaurant several years ago in France and how good that salmon was or something. Hee hee.

The other one that I think I really tend to pay attention to and didn't realize I paid a lot of attention to is touch. I didn't really think about it much before, but I think I am a fairly tactile person. I may not care that much about how something looks at times as long as it feels good next to my skin, and I don't buy clothes that have fabrics that I don't enjoy touching. If it's too itchy or scratchy or just feels too rough, I don't want to wear it. I could lie outside all day and feel the heat prickling my skin or the cool breeze, and I very often lie indoors all day on my very, very comfy bed with cool cotton sheets that warm to the touch and down pillows. I like being warm and cozy, and I like touching things. I find that when I go shopping, I like running my hands over all the clothes, just feeling the different textures. I like cotton clothes the best -- I like how clean cotton feels, how soft it can be and how forgiving it can be, I like how it just comes out more and more worn after several washings and dryings. I like textures and nappiness, I love silks and velvets, but not taffetas so much. I like the way skirts swish around my legs, and have I mentioned how much I like cotton shirts? I love the way wood feels when it's been worn down and touched often, and I love the warm squishiness of my rats' tummies and their fur and their little paws and whiskers. I like the way things feel on my skin. I think this is why I've been enjoying knitting so much -- it's so tactile. Going to a yarn store is so fun, and there are so many different kinds of yarns to feel and touch and rub, and knitting itself requires that yarn run through my fingers all the time.

I don't know... what do other people tend to notice?

So sleepy...

Huh. I just looked out on the deck, and it appears we have a grill. How interesting. I wonder where that came from?

I hit that point when a book catches fire (not literally) for the Secret Country Trilogy, which accounts for the sleepiness. I still really wish the trilogy had been in print or somehow available when I was a kid.

I finished watching Buffy S5, and have started on S6 now! Familiar territory! It will be interesting rewatching it. ( Spoilers to Bargaining )

Interesting post on "How Not to Write Bad Het." I agree with most of the writing pointers, which is really not a surprise, given that those encompass a good amount of romance novel rants. This quote sort of annoyed me though: "The problem of "feminized" women in het is *so* bad, there are people who have actually fled the genre and crossed permanently into slash because they can't imagine how het can be any good."

I suppose it's not really in the realm of possiblity to write about het and slash without making comparisons in which one comes out on top. Heh. It makes me sort of want to run around yelling, "Most fiction is bad! The sexual orientation of the main characters usually doesn't change this fact or the percentage of the badness!" But then, I don't read that much slash, so I don't really know the percentages in comparison with femslash or het or what-have-you.

I tend to get very nostalgic doing the software, since a lot of ours is from the nineties, being used and all. And I always look at them and think back to those years, when I was in high school and remember our first computer, the first time I printed out a paper instead of handwriting, my first exposure to the internet. And then I remember high school. And it's so strange, because it's so distant in my memory, and yet, I also remember how in the moment I was during the time. Somehow, it makes me sad that I can't really remember being in high school anymore. I remember events and certain images, but I don't completely recall what it was like anymore, I don't really remember how tight my class was. And it kind of hurts because I do remember around junior or senior year just being so sad that we were going to graduate and most likely never be that close again. Of course, that's how it happened. It's kind of scary, how nothing is quite real except in memory, and my memory is such a fallible thing. I can't quite tell what's worse, remembering clearly what it was like and hurting because it's not like that now, or not remembering as clearly and hurting because I feel like I've somehow lost it. Same with the memory of living at home. I got very homesick today for some reason. Maybe it's because it's my first Christmas not with my family, or that my time in Taiwan was particularly short this summer. Or just the realization that I'm not going to be able to spend that much time at home anymore. *sigh*

Oooo, I need a Christmas icon. The boy and I went out and got a tree today, which was a rather novel experience for me. I've never had a real tree before.

Aside: at the tree lot, I was looking at trees when a loud crash split the air... turns out a Saab had rear ended an Audi and the Saab's front was basically totalled. Pretty scary. I don't think the girl inside was hurt, although she looked pretty scared when she got out of the car. I've never seen an accident like that happen before, so it was kind of scary. The more reassuring bit was the Audi didn't even look scratched, despite the very poor condition of the Saab. I think the next time I need to get a new car, I'm going to get something German and expensive.

Anyway. My tree is five and a half feet. It's very cute and bushy. It's a noble or something, which the boy reassures me is a Better Tree. It was also expensive! Well, I don't really know how much they normally cost. And it's real! It's so weird! It's got needles growing on the trunk... I didn't know they did that, and it smells all piney. And I don't have to take it out of the basement. We tied it to the top of the car, which was also weird. Wow. I have a real tree. This is going to be my first Christmas in the States! Well, that's not really true... we had Christmas here when I was a kid in Colorado, but that was with my family. So while we did the Christmas thing, it wasn't quite as big, I suspect. Plus, it kind of died down in Taiwan. The boy's family is very big on these holiday things and his mom does things like make wreaths and stuff. Wow.

Now I'm wondering... is having live trees every year environmentally sound? I mean, I can't tell.. for one, it cuts down tons of trees. But also, it's probably one of the few industries here that actually goes around planting trees. I went online, but most of the info is from the Tree Growers Association or something, so I think they might be biased.

Hee! I have a tree!