Really random thoughts

[oyceter]

(this is so my favorite icon ever)

You know, I've been feeling a bit down lately due to a whole mix of things. And then I read a friend's small write-up on turning [insert age here], how he felt like he hadn't accomplished anything, that his time here was wasted, that all he did was push papers or something.

And strangely, I started thinking that despite the move and the stress and the general feeling lately that life has been grey and unfun, I disagree.

But then, I find the thought that an entire life has been wasted quite possibly the most depressing notion in the world.

I also don't think that you need to go out and cure cancer or end world peace to have an unwasted life. Sometimes I wonder if my life is a waste, if my job doesn't do anything. I know that I'm not benefitting all of humanity or whatnot. I'm not doing anyone a great service by sitting here. But on the other hand, there are times when I get to go to a conference on something that really excites me, or there's a good brainstorming session, or I help someone out.

None of these things are world-changing by themselves, but I believe that enough of these things can be.

I knit, and I cook, and I write, and I blog, and I read, and I pet fuzzy rats, but I'm not just what I do, even though I love what I do, even though I love making things and thinking things.

I think it's odd how one single existence could be a wasted life with one person and a very fulfilling on with another.

I like that just as I am feeling very tired and very worn out, there's a beautiful spring day outside, and even though the flowering trees make me sneeze, when the wind blows through them and a shower of petals come down, there isn't room for sadness, not even the sadness of transience or of sheer manga doom. And even in my cubicle, there are nice emails from people just as I'm feeling alone.

I like being sappy and optimistic, I like caring, I like finding peace while washing dishes. I like the small moments of happiness, the feeling that it's worth it only for that one thing, even if that one thing is just a thin crust pizza or coppery-smooth branches or new Saiyuki fic.

I don't know... I think being happy is actually very hard work, even though from the outside, it always looks so easy. But it seems very worth it.

Comments

[buymeaclue.livejournal.com]

I've gone a few rounds with a friend who talks about her life being/having been a total waste. I say, "But X and Y and Z," and she says, "We'll have to agree to disagree." But--I can't. I grok frustration and impatience and anger. Do I ever grok those things. I just--refuse to believe, I guess, that they wipe out all the rest.

I think your last few sentences especially are very true.

[oyceter]

Yeah... completely off topic, but that's why depression sucks so much =(. It basically hardwires that way of thinking into your brain.

[buymeaclue.livejournal.com]

Yes, exactly, yes.

[telophase.livejournal.com]

My first stint in grad school, the prof who was teaching our How To Do Anthropological Research class sat us down the first day and said something like:

You are not going to change the face of science. You are not going to make any breakthroughs. You are not going to win the Nobel Prize. That sort of thing happens to only a very, very few people who are in the right place at the right time and have the right thought. You are not one of them. Your job is to do a little bit here write a paper there there and in some small way contribute to the body of scientific knowledge. But this doesn't mean that your contribution is worthless, far from it, because the special people could not make their leaps of logic without all the other people behind them, building the framework on which they stand, one tiny piece at a time. You are an essential part of the scientific machine.

And her words felt rather comforting, actually: you're buffeted from left and right by prizewinners and breakthroughs and so on, and it's damn easy to get depressed because all you've done for five years is measure primate femurs or something and it doesn't feel like you're doing anything. But then the guy that rewrites the textbooks and identifies a new species of hominid or whatever couldn't have done it without all those numbers you've produced.

[oyceter]

I like that! I mean, from one point of view, it could be depressing, but on the other... it means everything you do is important and worthwhile, even though it may not be as flashy and as glorious as some of the other things.

[flemmings.livejournal.com]

I also don't think that you need to go out and... end world peace to have an unwasted life

I would *so* end world peace if only someone somewhere would provide a little world peace for me to end. Sigh.

[oyceter]

*snork*

That's what I get for posting on 6 hrs of sleep and 2 cups of coffee!

[jinian.livejournal.com]

Your posts are pretty good as small moments of happiness go, you know. Thanks for this one.

[oyceter]

Awwww, thank you!

[kchew.livejournal.com]

Oh, it's so easy to feel like a failure, and much harder not to feel like one, and be happy with life. I spend far too much time agonizing over the things that I haven't done, and can't change, than trying to do the little things that make my life better.

I think that the winter was more oppressive than I thought: with the sun out, and the flowers blooming, I now feel like I have been asleep for the last three months, and that someone remembered to colour the world before I got up this morning.

It *is* hard work being happy and optimistic: it's a choice, and one that I try to make every day. Thank you, once again, for reminding me of how I like best to be.

[oyceter]

I hate winter, ugh ugh. I just realized how much better I've been feeling now that we're on the third straight day of sunshine (knock on wood) instead of pouring rain.

Sun!

[rachelmanija.livejournal.com]

I guess the question is, what is life for? If you think that the purpose of life is to do some great and earthshaking thing, then no, you're unlikely to achieve that. But if you think the purpose is to have a good time and make the world better, even if just in a small circle of people, by your presence, that's much easier.

[oyceter]

Yeah! I had this argument a lot with the boy when we were dating; my "goal" in life wasn't so much a goal as to be happy. And he didn't quite understand why I didn't want to go out and change the world. It's not like I don't, but it's that I think I can change it by doing things I love and by being me instead of by being a Person of Great Importance. I think he generally thought I had no ambition, and I didn't quite understand why he wanted to go for those big things.

It's not that it's bad, but it's that... (this sounds stupid) sometimes I think little daffodils by the side of the road are just as nifty and wonderful as ground-breaking technology.

[rachelmanija.livejournal.com]

In a macro sense, of course the world would be a better place if everyone in it made massive positive changes to it. However, as I personally discovered, as a professional do-gooder, I suck, and also was miserable. Alas. As a writer and a bringer-of-nice-times-to-my-immediate-circle-of-friends, I am pretty skilled, and that's what makes me happy.

In other words, I'll be the world's best brick-layer over a mediocre doctor any day. Because the world needs more good bricklayers, it doesn't need more lousy doctors, and it makes me happier to do things I'm good at.

This is not meant as an argument against political engagement. It is an argument against dedicating your life to something you don't enjoy and aren't good at, as opposed to things that you are good at and do enjoy, even if they're not as theoretically ideal.

[oyceter]

In other words, I'll be the world's best brick-layer over a mediocre doctor any day. Because the world needs more good bricklayers, it doesn't need more lousy doctors, and it makes me happier to do things I'm good at.

Yes, exactly! Thank you. I was typing up my comment and feeling the same old inadequacy that I used to when arguing with the boy, because the way these things got expressed, I always felt vaguely guilty for not wanting to be a big world changer.

I think, in the end, being a big world changer makes me unhappy, sadly. But I enjoy being a small changer and doing small things, and so I do it much better.

[hysteriachan.livejournal.com]

This is an odd comment, 'cause I was half-asleep when I first read the post, and am not awake yet. But this whole post is gorgeous and uplifting, and I love that these things are swirling in your head and that you're so good at crystalizing them, even (especially) in the midst of moving stress and all that comes with that. *hugs* I want to have something intelligent to add, but my brain is trying to imprint on this. *^^* So I'll just thank you instead.

[oyceter]

Awww, thank you, that's so nice of you!

*hugs back*