Sakura of DOOM

I was going to post my sort of, maybe, not really New Year's resolutions, but then I decided that my general rule of never making resolutions was more practical.

Anyway, I don't want to make resolutions. That sounds like too much work, and I am horrible at doing work.

Every time I say this to my mom, she says something to the effect of "Life isn't all fun and games." But now that I am all adult and (mostly) self-sufficient, I really don't see why not. Also, while there are many people in the world who are quite capable of getting by on willpower and the "shoulds" of life, I am not one of them. I figure, instead of making myself miserable by accusing myself of having no willpower or ambition or something, I should instead make the "shoulds" of life into the "yays" of life. Or something to that effect.

Plus, I am more inclined to do something if I feel like I have a choice in the matter anyway.

Also also, if I end up enjoying the process of doing it, I will in general continue to do it, whereas if I don't... I probably won't.

Happy solstice! I don't celebrate in any religious way, but I really should get the sticky rice and sesame or peanut paste balls that you eat on winter solstice. Tasty. And I am just happy because today is the absolute shortest day of the year, so I can finally look forward to the days getting (slightly) longer! Oh sun, how I miss you!

I have become a completely lazy person and stopped researching because everyone here is so helpful. I am so lazy, in fact, that I attempt to blame my shortcomings on the lovely volunteer spirit of people -_-;;.

And so... random questions!

1. Is is possible to substitute wheat flour for white flour? Does it do horrible, horrible things?

2. Is it possible to substitue soy milk for milk in recipes? Does it chemically react to things and utterly mess them up? I do sort of realize that one cannot make cheese or yogurt or clotted cream from soy milk, but in oatmeal, I think it should be ok... on the other hand, my cooking exploits should teach me to follow the recipe. Also also, my stomach is really, really unhappy with the amount of dairy I am currently consuming, and I want more oatmeal.

3. I have decided to use the Amazon gift certificates that I get from my credit card to acquire manga. Indeed, I have finally fallen prey to the darned things, despite swearing up and down (and left and right) not to, due to the enormous price difference between English-translated manga and Chinese-translated manga. Like my laziness, I blame everyone on LJ for this ;).

So... what should I get? I currently have random volumes of Saiyuki and have decided that I need to get all of Saiyuki, Saiyuki Gaiden and Saiyuki Reload. I am also planning on buying all of Nana to support my favorite mangaka and manga ever (so far...). And I just ordered the first three vols. of Fruits Basket. I will probably also start getting Kare Kano instead of snitching them from the library.

4. I plan to embark on adventures in blocking soon. Any advice? I don't have a blocking board and don't plan on buying one (I figure I will use my bed or something)... what else should I get?

5. What is molasses anyway? I had some for the first time on Monday when I was baking gingerbread. It is dark and sticky and has a really nifty rich, malty flavor. I like. I also felt very Little House on the Prairie.

6. If Cthulu and the Beast were to duke it out, who would win? Discuss.

Yay, cychi is here!!!!

Also, I got to go karaoke last night! My group from work went out, and I think half the people had never been before so I was a little worried that it would be awkward and self-conscious. I adore karaoke, but the people make a real difference in how fun the experience is.

By that, I totally don't mean how well anyone sings, because that's very much not the point. It's more... if everyone is there and feeling bad and awkward and pressured, then the entire thing feels like pulling teeth (ew! complete with cracking noises and no anesthetic!), and the people who are singing feel like they are hogging the microphone, and everything is just sort of iffy.

Or if there is mockery, that almost always kills the mood. Jokes are good, laughing is good, but it's the sense that people are laughing at you instead of with you that ruins it for me.

I've also been karaoke-ing with people who were really great singers, but it was not fun at all because then all the people who weren't great singers (of which there are a greater percentage!) felt left out and embarrassed. I feel like going out to have fun should not feel like a competition.

And then there are times like last night! My group was very fun! Even if they had been the worst singers ever (which they weren't), it would have been fun, because there was silliness and dancing and random tamborines and air guitars and an Elvis impersonation and much sitting around and laughing and having a good time. And while there were jokes and laughter, it felt supportive, if that makes any sense at all? I don't quite know how to define it. But there are some times when I go out with a group of people, and it feels like they look down on the things they joke about, so that if you do something that is laughed at, you feel mocked and stupid.

Last night, if someone did something that was laughed at, the laughter felt friendly and encouraging, so the person up there was having fun, the people down below who weren't singing were having fun. So hopefully no one felt embarrassed. All in all, it was an extremely good time.

Although afterward, my teeth hurt like mad because apparently jaw muscles and wisdom teeth are closely related. Ah, Vicodin is my friend.

( In which I get incredibly sappy )

( On massage )

Gaaah. My sister's friend has been looking everywhere for a nice duvet, and so I have been sucked into looking at all these bedding things, and gaaaaaaah. High-thread count sateen sheets of Egyption cotton. Gaaaaaaaaah.

*drools a little more*

I think nice sheets are one of those wonderful, wonderful luxuries of life. I don't quite remember what kind of sheets I have, but I remember back in college, I got cheap sheets of half polyester, half cotton, and ick. They were just sort of scratchy, and even after much washing, they never developed that softness that cotton does, so much so that it doesn't even wrinkle, or so it seems. I switched to different sheets after freshman year (100% cotton, because I love cotton). The sheets I have now are relatively high-thread count (I think 300? Can't quite remember), but nowhere near the luxury sheets of 1000 thread coutn or something. Still. I've washed them a few times, and they're now at that slightly worn, silky stage, and just lying on them with my head on my squashy down pillows with cotton pillowcases and rolling around on the wonderful smoothness of my sheets makes me very happy.

Maybe this is why I end up oversleeping so much -- I am just so comfy in bed that I end up falling back asleep instead of waking up!

Silk sheets sound all luxurious and wonderful, but I wonder if they can match the warmth and coolness of really nice cotton.

It sounds a little odd that I have a favorite fabric, but I do. I am only sad because my cotton yarn is not high quality and somewhat rough when I knit. Le sigh.

Plus, cotton is so much easier to take care of than wool! And cotton jeans, and cotton shirts, and those cotton T-shirts you've worn and washed so often that they feel almost see through. And of course, there is flannel. But most of all, I love cotton sheets.

Random delurking day! (well, on my LJ at least)

aka, I was really bored and came up with random questions that I wanted to know about people. Feel free to answer wherever (but I would love to see the answers!).

1. Describe your strangest pair of socks



2. Can I see pictures of your bookshelves (or book stacks or piles or boxes)?



3. If you were a hat, what kind of hat would you want to be?



4. What's the worst song you've gotten stuck in your head before?



5. My rats: evil killers of paper bags, cute sleepy fuzzballs or embarrassingly tame yogie-drop eaters?



6. Books or food?



7. If you could live in a book, what genre would it belong to? How come?



8. Stealing from the movie Wonderful Life (also known as After Life): if you were told that you could only carry one memory with you into the afterlife, which would you choose?



9. What do you know a lot about that most people don't? Most people here should be most people, not most people in that field. I specify this because I know how badly I prevaricate when I'm asked about something that I'm good at. Or if you still feel weird, what do you know a lot about that I don't (I don't know about a lot of stuff)? Why is it cool? Tell me about it!



10. What random bit of trivia do you know?



11. And finally, the question I've always wanted to know the answer to but was too embarrassed to ask: how in the world did you find my LJ and how come you're still reading?

Wah, so tired lately. Must try and get more sleep in the next few weeks, because it's getting to the point where I can't quite get up for work, which is not good. Sigh. I read this article somewhere about how early birds and night owls and whatnot might be slightly genetic, which I guess makes sense. I've always been someone who goes to sleep late and gets up late, which drives my mother crazy.

I'm just sort of babbling about random things right now.

I started a budget for myself, because it's something I have to watch out for more now that the boy is not here. It used to be that with our combined salaries, we would do ok, but now he's gone and things are feeling a bit tighter. Sigh. So far I'm sticking to it, which is good... But it does mean less eating out and less fun stuff, and I really must stop randomly buying books. Even though I just saw about six more knitting books that I want from Amazon, sigh sigh. But I must remember that I have about a billion unread books in the house alone, and then there are all of fannishly's books, and there's the public library.

I also feel a bit odd because I'm not reading very much this year -- I was in January, but in February came the break up and stress and therapy and everything, and I feel like I've just never quite caught my breath yet. It's strange because it's already April, and I still feel so off kilter. Now that fannishly has finally moved in (joy!), maybe things will start settling down a little bit more and I'll get myself back into a routine again. Another part of it is probably also knitting. I've finished the back and left front panel of the sweater jacket I'm making, and while it's a bit uneven, I figure it's my first sweater, so it can be. Plus, I can give it to my mom and she will be forced to wear it. Or at least she'll have to pretend it's wonderful ;). So knitting is quite fun, and I'm in not one, but two knitting circles! I found people at work who do it too, haha!

I also want to start watching anime again, especially after yhlee so evilly got me some Fullmetal Alchemist episodes! Plus, there's Karekano, which is still sitting around, and just.. not enough time! I like the feeling of busy-ness though. I feel like I'm enjoying myself and I want to do more, and I have all this energy again. Meds are of the good. Except.. the reading has fallen off a bit, and I wish it hadn't. Another part may be because I've been talking to friends and the like on the phone at night more as well, and since I usually read before I go to bed, this cuts into my reading time. And by the time I get off, I'm so tired or it's so late that I really have to go to sleep because otherwise, I'm pretty much a zombie at work.

More dentistry coming up as well, at which I boo and hiss.

And daylight savings is soon! More daylight! More sunshine! The air smells like summer and it's beautiful again and oh, I am so, so, incredibly happy. There are people sitting outside at restaurants and people on the streets at night, and the gelato store is getting more crowded. I adore summer to my very bones, and oh, I'm so looking forward to it.

Partly based on msagara's two posts, and partly by shadowkat67's meme.

I haven't had the chance to make any extremely close friends online, but I suspect that's more a factor of time than anything else. I know there are a lot of people on my FL who I like a lot and think there's great potential to be very good friends with, but I've only had my LJ for about two years. It feels like foundations are being laid now; I'm getting used to people on LJ finally (I take a long time to get used to things), and I'm only just starting to feel very comfortable with my LJ environment. I'm telling you, it's that magic year-and-a-half mark ;). And I've always just sort of assumed that I would end up meeting people on LJ in RL eventually, or at least I hope I'll get the chance to. Online is well and good, and has been a godsend in the past two years, but there's also the fun of being able to go over to someone's house and snark over movies and popcorn, or just gossiping about books, life, clothes, and everything in between.

Two years also feels like a very short time to build a friendship. It doesn't mean that one isn't friends with someone else; it just means that it takes a lot of time to build all that foundation so that arguments and spats don't shake things up to much, it means enough time to get really comfortable with various quirks and habits. I'm also very influenced by my school with regards to the time factor -- I've known most of my friends in Taiwan for a good eight years now, and most of them, I've know since I was about nine years old. While I made some good friends in college, three years is still not that long of a time, all things considering.

I guess there are several factors in friendships -- time, frequency, interests, personality, etc. So there are friends that I've made just because I see them so often, even if I don't share many interests with them or our personalities don't quite mesh (these are the ones that tend to fall to the side the fastest). Time is a big one, but time can be pretty easily trumped by interests and personality, imho. All the people I still talk to from high school are people who I get along with at a very basic level and people whose interests I do share, which is good, given that we all suck at keeping in touch with each other and that we only see each other once a year, if even. And I think the personality thing is a big one -- you can share tons of interests with someone and even see them every day for years and years, but if something in your personalities don't click, it's so hard to keep it up. And it's hard to really know if personalities will click until you meet someone face to face. Or at least it is for me. I suspect you can get a good sense from someone's tone of voice on their LJ and the way they talk about things, but it's just more concrete in person.

But then, I'm also completely making this up, given that I've only met a handful of LJ people in RL, and even fewer on a semi-regular basis! I'd really love to meet more, but alas, I sigh over geographical constraints. And I don't mean to belittle the people I've met via LJ at all, because to be honest, LJ has been my social life for the past two years now, and (heh) I've often had a lot more fun on LJ than in many RL events. I'm hoping this changes a little (i.e. I hope RL gets more fun, not I hope to get off LJ), and that relationships I've made both online and off take off.

The really strange corollary to all this is that I see my good friends so rarely these past few years that they've become sort of online and phone friends as well. Or just see-once-a-year back at home or whenever they venture over to California friends. I'm actually still amazed that I have my good friends from high school still, because we all fell out of touch in college and went our different ways, but I can also pick up the phone and talk to them, and it feels like nothing has changed. And in another funny conflation of RL and LJ, I know at least one or two of my RL friends keep track of my LJ, and I keep track of their Xangas, because, as stated before, we all suck at keeping in touch. Another funny bit is that one of my really close friends is actually someone that I mostly got to know via the internet and phone, even though I had first met him in RL (*waves to Cy*). He wasn't in my class at school, so we didn't see each other that often then, and when I finally did start getting to know him, he had to gall to go and graduate ;). So we've kept in touch via infrequent visits and IM conversations, email and telephone calls, and while it can be a little funny meeting him in RL for the first five seconds, it still works.

It's gotten to the point in which I don't feel very strange at all talking to people primarily online -- the only people I talk on the phone with are my parents and the boy. And I'm horrible at phone conversations and IM as well. Maybe now I even associate online with something permanent? Hard to tell. But honeslty, the most reliable way to reach me is via email or LJ. I have horrible cell phone reception, I always forget to turn off IM or leave an away message, I hate answering the phone anyway because of telemarketers (and while driving, which scares the brains out of me). But there's this underlying sense of comfort in my friendships, that even after changes and various life experiences, they'll still be there. LJ feels a little like that to me as well. I think it's because of the community factor. I like having this group to hang around, even though I value good one-on-one friendships. And one-on-one friendships sometimes feel a little odd with no community context around them, which is what LJ provides that penpal-ship doesn't for me. I'm very big on community, probably because I grew up in a very tight-knit one in which my mom will tell her friends about my car accident and their kids (my friends) will IM me a week later, or another auntie will call to check up on me. One of the things I like best about where I grew up is the generational friendships, having family friends who are my own personal friends as well as my parents' friends so that outings are much more fun and less of an "adults having fun while the kids stare awkwardly in their corner" type thing.

Of course, it gets very claustrophobic and gossip-ridden at times, but that's just the flip side of the coin. Anyhow, I'm wondering if LJ will be my new community -- it already feels a little like it is, and I miss that sense of community so much. And now I've completely gone off the topic!

Therefore, it's time for the meme I mentioned earlier!

(But I do want to add that I'm still incredibly grateful for LJ and for LJ people... It was this giant help during senior year, when I felt like I wasn't connecting to anyone at all and losing myself completely, and it helped so much again during the huge depression that resulted during the job hunt. I had so few people to talk to and interact with in RL, and I seriously think if I hadn't had LJ during that time, I probably would have gone stark raving mad just talking to the boy and the rats. And of course the worst part of depression is that it isolates and makes you not want to try to connect with people, and because of the strange public-private space of LJ, I felt more comfortable talking about all the things that were going wrong with my life here than in RL, where I was apt to burst into tears and scare everyone off.)

( Read more... )

And now, a post that will be happy. Or if not happy, at least completely normal, because my life has felt like some sort of Lifetime drama this week. I don't want my life to be a drama. If my life had to be some sort of genre category, I'd want it to be a romantic comedy, or a sitcom. Or maybe a musical, and everyone would dance around, and laugh, and be happy (unless it were a demonic Buffy musical, hrm....).

The boy and I went to the Dickens Faire today, which was very nifty, and I bought myself a bonnet. It's a very cute bonnet, and now I have to figure out how I want to decorate it, and if that means I have to learn how to sew or what. Anyone here skilled in the arts of millinery? I probably should be trying to save money because of the accident and subsequent costs and the like, but what the heck. And I'm working a few extra hours at the bookstore for the next two weeks. And you know, thank God for insurance. I mean, really. And I am so glad mine covers the rental car. And I am also so glad that I have real health insurance now and can go to the hospital and not be broke. Counting my blessings.

Anyway, and I got a wassail kit (what is a wassail anyway? Is it some sort of mulled wine?), and cute ornament for the Christmas tree that we're not putting up this year. I also ogled at many, many hoop skirts and dresses and corsets, but I settled for just getting my wonderfully cute grey bonnet. I'm quite fond of it. Actually, I find myself wanting to keep it in my lap so I can pet it and name it "George" or something.

Then I headed off to the library and got copies of Tooth and Claw (even though I'm going to end up buying it soon), Firethorn and Strong Poison for inklings_lj. It was a nice day, and I walked through the park to get home, and there were some gingko trees that were still shedding their leaves. Bright yellow leaves scattered in circles around two or three trees on the green, green grass, absolutely gorgeous. So I grabbed my books and waded through the leaves, and waded back, and then circled around and gleefully kicked leaves up in the air with my boots, and felt immensely satisfied.

Later on, I had some very good buffalo wings and barbecue, the really good kind when you take one whiff of the sauce and get that satisfying firm kick to your head because of how strong the vinegar is. Ooooooh yeah. But Chuck's still has better wings. Gah, I love wings.

And now, I shall relax and eat some pie and watch Good Eats.

(and one more thing to be happy about... I finally got a non-scratched copy of Angel S2! W00t!)

Owowowow, this made me laugh so hard I cried. I think the best one is in the comments, on a cat, a hamper, and a rubber band.

*collapses into giggles*

I think I am finally beginning to understand the cult of Friday (otherwise known as "TGIF"). In Taiwan, we went to school Mon.-Fri. with another half day on Saturday. They changed that my senior year so that we only went to school every other Saturday (but took out a few national holidays for it). I think after I graduated (of course), they finally changed it so that people had a five-day week like the rest of the freaking world. But, I got rather used to working on Saturdays.

College, everyone's schedules were completely out of whack, especially later on. I had the occasional free Tuesday, or one class only on Thursday, or etc. At the bookstore, I worked Saturdays and got Sundays and Wednesdays off.

Now, I have normal weekends. And on Fridays, there's this incredibly different atmosphere. Everyone is somehow bouncier, anticipating the weekend, more jokes are made. I sing loudly in the car. It's quite nifty, really.

I've found that I don't actually mind my commute all that much. Well, I hate driving, so it's on the tolerable level, and there are many annoying cars on the road. I think those super-fast cars that like to weave in and out of lanes without a turn signal deserve a special place in traffic jam hell. But I have my bouncy CDs and Assassins in the car, and since it's just me, I sing at the top of my lungs. And somehow, the driver's seat has shower-like acoustics, so I actually sound not-so-bad when I do it. The bad thing, though, is that now I'm in the habit of randomly bursting into song for my favorite bits ("Chaaaaarlie said, 'Hell! If I am guilty than God is as well.' But God was ac-quit-ted and Charlie com-mit-ted until he should haaaaaaaaaaang... still he saaaaaaaang..."). That wouldn't be so bad, except now I do it at the top of my lungs and when other people are still in the car. So far, "other people" have mostly been the boy, who doesn't really mind, but I fear I will start doing it and completely embarrass myself one day.

I'm very good at embarrassing myself. Lately I've begun haphazardly walking into cubicle walls. I don't think anyone has seen me do this yet (thankfully), but still. It's not like the cubicle walls have moved or anything. My feet and brain just somehow manage to miscalculate so that I bounce off them. I used to be very good at opening doors and not coordinating it very well so I would just perfectly get the half-opened door edge right in front of my face and walk smack into it.

Really, how can I be expected to play video games and make those characters walk in a straight line and avoid walls when I can't do that in real life with my own body?

It's officially fall and/or winter now. I find it strange how a ten degree change in the temperate can cause such a large mood shift in me. But it's slightly chilly (well, for California, which is about as much chill as wimpy me can take), the skies were overcast all day with nary a beam of sunshine in sight, and I have a fuzzy sweater and boots on. It feels like the right weather to listen to Del Amitri.

But everything outside feels just a tad bit sharper and more unwelcoming, and interiors are looking brighter and cheerier hour by hour. Even the flourescent-lit cubicles looked downright cozy compared to the wind and rain outside. I looked outside this morning and decided it was a day for curling up in the couch with rats and a McKillip book (currently in the middle of Song for the Basilisk right now. Sadly, after this, I will only have a few more McKillip's to go through before I've read them all. I am parcelling them out slowly for days like this.)

It feels like everything is slowing down, taking measure of the past few months, contemplating more. It's time for hot soup and family get togethers, holidays and tradition.

I still miss summer. I don't operate well without much sunshine. I mourn the heat, the bright, intense colors, loud blaring music, sunglasses, the smell of grass.

Speaking of rainy day books, probably any book is a good rainy day book. Rainy days just seem to inspire books and reading. But I would particularly pick up old favorites like Robin McKinley or favorite books from childhood. That, or big fat epics to be buried in.

( Book memery )