Really random thoughts
Tue, Apr. 18th, 2006 03:52 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
oyceter(this is so my favorite icon ever)
You know, I've been feeling a bit down lately due to a whole mix of things. And then I read a friend's small write-up on turning [insert age here], how he felt like he hadn't accomplished anything, that his time here was wasted, that all he did was push papers or something.
And strangely, I started thinking that despite the move and the stress and the general feeling lately that life has been grey and unfun, I disagree.
But then, I find the thought that an entire life has been wasted quite possibly the most depressing notion in the world.
I also don't think that you need to go out and cure cancer or end world peace to have an unwasted life. Sometimes I wonder if my life is a waste, if my job doesn't do anything. I know that I'm not benefitting all of humanity or whatnot. I'm not doing anyone a great service by sitting here. But on the other hand, there are times when I get to go to a conference on something that really excites me, or there's a good brainstorming session, or I help someone out.
None of these things are world-changing by themselves, but I believe that enough of these things can be.
I knit, and I cook, and I write, and I blog, and I read, and I pet fuzzy rats, but I'm not just what I do, even though I love what I do, even though I love making things and thinking things.
I think it's odd how one single existence could be a wasted life with one person and a very fulfilling on with another.
I like that just as I am feeling very tired and very worn out, there's a beautiful spring day outside, and even though the flowering trees make me sneeze, when the wind blows through them and a shower of petals come down, there isn't room for sadness, not even the sadness of transience or of sheer manga doom. And even in my cubicle, there are nice emails from people just as I'm feeling alone.
I like being sappy and optimistic, I like caring, I like finding peace while washing dishes. I like the small moments of happiness, the feeling that it's worth it only for that one thing, even if that one thing is just a thin crust pizza or coppery-smooth branches or new Saiyuki fic.
I don't know... I think being happy is actually very hard work, even though from the outside, it always looks so easy. But it seems very worth it.
You know, I've been feeling a bit down lately due to a whole mix of things. And then I read a friend's small write-up on turning [insert age here], how he felt like he hadn't accomplished anything, that his time here was wasted, that all he did was push papers or something.
And strangely, I started thinking that despite the move and the stress and the general feeling lately that life has been grey and unfun, I disagree.
But then, I find the thought that an entire life has been wasted quite possibly the most depressing notion in the world.
I also don't think that you need to go out and cure cancer or end world peace to have an unwasted life. Sometimes I wonder if my life is a waste, if my job doesn't do anything. I know that I'm not benefitting all of humanity or whatnot. I'm not doing anyone a great service by sitting here. But on the other hand, there are times when I get to go to a conference on something that really excites me, or there's a good brainstorming session, or I help someone out.
None of these things are world-changing by themselves, but I believe that enough of these things can be.
I knit, and I cook, and I write, and I blog, and I read, and I pet fuzzy rats, but I'm not just what I do, even though I love what I do, even though I love making things and thinking things.
I think it's odd how one single existence could be a wasted life with one person and a very fulfilling on with another.
I like that just as I am feeling very tired and very worn out, there's a beautiful spring day outside, and even though the flowering trees make me sneeze, when the wind blows through them and a shower of petals come down, there isn't room for sadness, not even the sadness of transience or of sheer manga doom. And even in my cubicle, there are nice emails from people just as I'm feeling alone.
I like being sappy and optimistic, I like caring, I like finding peace while washing dishes. I like the small moments of happiness, the feeling that it's worth it only for that one thing, even if that one thing is just a thin crust pizza or coppery-smooth branches or new Saiyuki fic.
I don't know... I think being happy is actually very hard work, even though from the outside, it always looks so easy. But it seems very worth it.
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(no subject)
Wed, Apr. 19th, 2006 03:27 am (UTC)(no subject)
Wed, Apr. 19th, 2006 11:01 pm (UTC)It's not that it's bad, but it's that... (this sounds stupid) sometimes I think little daffodils by the side of the road are just as nifty and wonderful as ground-breaking technology.
(no subject)
Wed, Apr. 19th, 2006 11:12 pm (UTC)In other words, I'll be the world's best brick-layer over a mediocre doctor any day. Because the world needs more good bricklayers, it doesn't need more lousy doctors, and it makes me happier to do things I'm good at.
This is not meant as an argument against political engagement. It is an argument against dedicating your life to something you don't enjoy and aren't good at, as opposed to things that you are good at and do enjoy, even if they're not as theoretically ideal.
(no subject)
Wed, Apr. 19th, 2006 11:19 pm (UTC)Yes, exactly! Thank you. I was typing up my comment and feeling the same old inadequacy that I used to when arguing with the boy, because the way these things got expressed, I always felt vaguely guilty for not wanting to be a big world changer.
I think, in the end, being a big world changer makes me unhappy, sadly. But I enjoy being a small changer and doing small things, and so I do it much better.