Really random thoughts

[oyceter]

(this is so my favorite icon ever)

You know, I've been feeling a bit down lately due to a whole mix of things. And then I read a friend's small write-up on turning [insert age here], how he felt like he hadn't accomplished anything, that his time here was wasted, that all he did was push papers or something.

And strangely, I started thinking that despite the move and the stress and the general feeling lately that life has been grey and unfun, I disagree.

But then, I find the thought that an entire life has been wasted quite possibly the most depressing notion in the world.

I also don't think that you need to go out and cure cancer or end world peace to have an unwasted life. Sometimes I wonder if my life is a waste, if my job doesn't do anything. I know that I'm not benefitting all of humanity or whatnot. I'm not doing anyone a great service by sitting here. But on the other hand, there are times when I get to go to a conference on something that really excites me, or there's a good brainstorming session, or I help someone out.

None of these things are world-changing by themselves, but I believe that enough of these things can be.

I knit, and I cook, and I write, and I blog, and I read, and I pet fuzzy rats, but I'm not just what I do, even though I love what I do, even though I love making things and thinking things.

I think it's odd how one single existence could be a wasted life with one person and a very fulfilling on with another.

I like that just as I am feeling very tired and very worn out, there's a beautiful spring day outside, and even though the flowering trees make me sneeze, when the wind blows through them and a shower of petals come down, there isn't room for sadness, not even the sadness of transience or of sheer manga doom. And even in my cubicle, there are nice emails from people just as I'm feeling alone.

I like being sappy and optimistic, I like caring, I like finding peace while washing dishes. I like the small moments of happiness, the feeling that it's worth it only for that one thing, even if that one thing is just a thin crust pizza or coppery-smooth branches or new Saiyuki fic.

I don't know... I think being happy is actually very hard work, even though from the outside, it always looks so easy. But it seems very worth it.

Comments

[telophase.livejournal.com]

My first stint in grad school, the prof who was teaching our How To Do Anthropological Research class sat us down the first day and said something like:

You are not going to change the face of science. You are not going to make any breakthroughs. You are not going to win the Nobel Prize. That sort of thing happens to only a very, very few people who are in the right place at the right time and have the right thought. You are not one of them. Your job is to do a little bit here write a paper there there and in some small way contribute to the body of scientific knowledge. But this doesn't mean that your contribution is worthless, far from it, because the special people could not make their leaps of logic without all the other people behind them, building the framework on which they stand, one tiny piece at a time. You are an essential part of the scientific machine.

And her words felt rather comforting, actually: you're buffeted from left and right by prizewinners and breakthroughs and so on, and it's damn easy to get depressed because all you've done for five years is measure primate femurs or something and it doesn't feel like you're doing anything. But then the guy that rewrites the textbooks and identifies a new species of hominid or whatever couldn't have done it without all those numbers you've produced.

[oyceter]

I like that! I mean, from one point of view, it could be depressing, but on the other... it means everything you do is important and worthwhile, even though it may not be as flashy and as glorious as some of the other things.