Compliments and mail and other stuff

[oyceter]

The status of my mucus: the cough has now migrated up from the chest to the throat, which is good because it means I don't have bronchitis (knock on wood). It is bad because it means there is nothing more to cough up but my throat itches so much I wish I could turn it inside out and give it a good scratching. However, I just cough dry coughs that make me gasp for air or tear the inner throat membranes, whatever those are.

Also, now I have a runny nose. So I can't breathe through my nose, because of that. And I can't breathe through my mouth, for fear of coughing.

Someone please shoot me now.

Well... except...

*does the dance of mail gettage*

I got mail!

Good mail! rachelmanija, I got your package! Joy! Manga! And there is a little rat drawing in the card which is the Cutest Thing Ever!

(three surefire ways into my heart: free food, good book recs, frequently expressed and very vocal love for my rats. If I ever spawn, I will obviously be the most annoying mother ever.)

And I got a review copy of a book that I shall be reviewing for The Broadsheet. For free. Someone actually mailed me a book just because they wanted to see what I would say about it. I feel all professional reviewer-y now. Weird. The strange thing is that the publisher person apparently requested me...? No clue. Don't actually know what that means -- do I read like I give very nice reviews maybe? I am also scared now that I will dislike the book. And the letter with the book from the editor indicates that a) she has actually read my reviews, b) she quotes from them and c) she is trying to make personal connections too. Which is nice! I mean, I am not complaining! I am just very weirded out!

Because, you know, I am just a random person blathering on over here in LJland, and I am not quite sure how I ended up reviewing on the Broadsheet (besides having those mystical connection things, also courtesy of LJland), and now some editor is writing to me like my opinion actually matters, and really, it is all quite strange.

The very odd thing is that I have noticed a distinct tendency in myself to get all shifty-eyed and defensive when someone pays me a compliment. While this is a very appropriate reaction to the skeevy compliments that skeevy guys give you in a club, it is quite possibly not so appropriate a reaction to a nice typed-up letter or a compliment from the teacher of my belly dancing class or something. I guess I keep feeling that somehow people do this not because it is true but because they want something from me (quite true of skeevy guys). And, in case said editor wanders on by, I am actually quite complimented, just a little bemused.

This disturbs me a bit because I like complimenting people and sometimes I get a little irked when they don't take it well. Not irked at the person, per se, especially if she is female (I am biased, I will openly admit it), but irked at the notion that sometimes modesty goes a bit too far and, hey, if I've complimented you, it means I really mean it! Obviously, like most people, I tell white lies, but you know, if I am going out of my way to say something nice about someone, it is because I really mean it and have thought about it (or... maybe not, if I am complimenting an outfit. Because that tends to be a gut reaction of "OMG cute!"). And I say it because I want people to hear it and to feel that nice little glow that compliments can give.

Here is where we make yet another digression into the fact that I think self worth comes from within and in the end only you can do that, but you know, outside factors that don't make it tough on you to do so are also nice!

Anyway. So here is this person that I like, or at least some aspect of this person that I like, and I am saying so, and then there comes the compliment denial. And this makes me sad because I already know way too many people who think much too little of themselves (if you think I am talking about you, I probably am), and I like them and respect them a great deal and want them to know that they are Cool People.

I just got sidetracked. Again.

But even while I'm thinking this, I personally have a very difficult time accepting certain compliments. I never respond well to compliments on how I look (body- and facial-feature wise). I think this is because I don't feel like I have much control over how I look -- I certainly don't watch my weight or exercise, my face just looks the way it does -- so complimenting me by saying that I look pretty is rather confusing, because it's not really something I did. It just sort of is. Complimenting me on my weight is even worse. And I completely understand that it is cultural norm back at home, so I take it in the same spirit it is given, which is well-meaning, but really, I don't want to be complimented on how I look like I've lost weight. I mean, what exactly am I supposed to take away from that? Yay, my boyfriend broke up with me and I was sad and lost my appetite and consequently lost five pounds, but hey, I look thinner! Riiiight.

On the other hand, if someone compliments me on my outfit or my shoes, my haircut or my new glasses frames, then I tend to beam at them and enthusiastically thank them instead of hemming and hawing bashfully. And I think this is because I do have a choice in these matters. Well, not quite so much on the haircut. But these are things that I do think about. I like pretty outfits and cute shoes and funky glasses frames. I like picking nail polish colors. So when people remark on these things, it's like having someone say, "Oh yeah! I love Robin McKinley too!" It speaks more of shared taste, and I feel happy because I've been feeling all bright and swishy in my outfit and cute shoes and it's always nice to have one's taste appreciated. Because while looks aren't really something you can do all that much about, taste is something that can be shared and squeed over, which is much more fun.

I am still confused as to how to respond to other types of compliments. Sometimes I feel guilty because I feel like I don't live up to them. Sometimes I feel all glowy because while I don't feel like I live up to them, I feel like I am trying to, which is something. For writing, I am in-between the squirmy place of "Oh you look thin!" and the happy sharing of "Oh I love that skirt, where did you get it?" I think it's because I am starting to think of writing more as a choice, especially while I sit here and blather on LJ every day. Before, it just sort of felt like words, and while I was careful about them, people saying stuff like "You have a talent for writing" felt very weird because... well, talent isn't really something you can do something about. But then, writing LJ entries and the like, I try more and more these days to be entertaining or pithy or something. Part of it is because I don't want to bore people, but a larger part is an attempt to try out writing-voices for fun, playing with words, seeing what tricks I can make them do. Also, while compliments are nice, I don't ever want to end up doing something just for the compliments. I want to do it because I like the way I feel when I do it, or because I'm having fun, or because I'm learning something I'm interested in.

Not to say that the audience isn't nice, of course, because it is incredibly fun, and I adore the people I've met on LJ (and because I do shamelessly collect compliments and save them for careful rereading on grey days).

I'm not actually sure on how I got from the status of my mucus to life philosophy, which is probably a good sign that I should stop typing.

Comments

[fannishly.livejournal.com]

I don't see a huge difference between being complimented on my looks versus on my outfit. I don't really feel that I have much control over either. This is the body I got, this is the face I got -- and this is the taste I got too. And I can tweak my taste and my style, and how I put clothes together, but I can also "tweak" my body by dieting and exercising and my face by putting makeup on or whatnot.

Just my two cents. :)

[rachelmanija.livejournal.com]

I'm more in oyceter's camp on this one. We have taste, but we choose how we express it. I would never wear humungous jewelry, because that's not my thing, but I still put my outfits together in a way that consciously expresses my taste-- there are a thousand variants I choose from what's in my wardrobe, and I get to pick which ones go together which way.

My body and my face... eh... I suppose I can alter my face a bit with makeup, but it's still the same bone structure. And my body has looked almost exactly the same since I was sixteen. It feels completely different on the inside depending on how much I exercise and what sort of life I'm living, but it doesn't change its appearance.

[yhlee.livejournal.com]

I'm in this camp. And I don't even have much in the way of taste. As a parent I am frequently foxed because people will compliment the lizard's curls and expect a response. But I didn't do anything (other than spawn)--the curls were a complete genetic surprise and it's not like we mixed genes deliberately. I'm not displeased about them--but I didn't do anything so how on earth am I supposed to respond?

I do not understand human social conventions.

Oh, and oyceter, yay review copy! :-)

[oyceter]

Yay free books indeed!

[rachelmanija.livejournal.com]

You got the package! Yay! (I have no idea if you'll like your bonus manga, since I haven't read them yet-- I was sent duplicates by accident.)

[rachelmanija.livejournal.com]

Oh, and you shouldn't feel obliged to review a book positively just because you were sent it by the publisher. The copy of the book is the payment for the review, not for the content of the review. And you're sent free books because your reviews are well-written, insightful, and entertaining.

[oracne.livejournal.com]

What she said.

You're doing them a favor by giving their book publicity.

[oyceter]

Cool ^_^. And thanks again for sending this my way!

[oyceter]

Aww, thank you ^_^. And thank you again for the package!

[oracne.livejournal.com]

This reminds me of something we were talking about at my college reunion, about how women often self-deprecate, even when they have done Fabulous Things. We decided not to do that anymore--and it's harder than I would have thought.

[oyceter]

Yeah! It's the whole not wanting to seem too aggressive thing or something, and yet, even though I try not to do it, I end up doing it anyway.

[minnow1212.livejournal.com]

>Someone actually mailed me a book just because they wanted to see what I would say about it. I feel all professional reviewer-y now.<

:bounces up and down excitedly: This is so awesome.

>do I read like I give very nice reviews maybe?<

I wouldn’t say nice in the sense of falsely flattering or going too easy on the author or anything, but your reviews read like you give *fair* reviews, like…you’re not one of those people who are reviewing to score points off the author.

You give thoughtful reviews.

[oyceter]

*bounces* I know! It's so strange! Yet cool!

And thank you ^_^.

[rue10.livejournal.com]

So I've been thinking a lot about the intersection of publishing and The Rest of the World lately, seeing as though I'm all standing in it (which never ever ceases to surprise me, btw). I've also been thinking about it because I'm in the middle of doing internet marketing for our Alias anthology, which largely consists of me emailing fan sites and offering a free copy of the book in exchange for a link/review/etc. Because where's a better place to advertise a fan-oriented Alias book than a fan-oriented Alias site, right? One of the sites I contacted was the very small (but new) Kevin Weisman fanlisting. And the woman I talked to said she'd never had anything like that happen before-- and she owns a number of fanlistings. So I wonder: are we actually, first of all, doing something new and exciting by contacting people this way? (Kinda hope so, actually. :P)

But more interestingly/importantly, the whole situation reminds me of this strange perceived split between the world of publishing and the rest of the world-- which sometimes I do a great job of throwing out, and other times I get all double-vision, because here I am working in publishing, but at the same time I'm also functioning in the world as a fan and regular person. I've learned recently that real editors in New York (somehow I don't count to myself as a Real Editor-- I think because I know myself as a normal person, and possibly also because we don't do fiction :P) read fanfic. Why this blew me away, I have no idea. I mean, I read fanfic. But the idea that self-respecting big-time editors do? And occasionally find new authors this way? Blew. Me. Away.

All this to say: Good for you on the free copies of books for review. :) I'd totally put you on a review list if we had anything I thought might work for Broadstreet. (Hmm. We do have a Michelle Sagara West fantasy reprint coming up. . . .)

[oyceter]

That's so cool! I've been thinking more about that as well, albeit more on the sff side, just because I know so many people on LJ who are either trying to sell stories or are currently getting their first books published. And it's quite exciting! But on the other hand, I'm sort of like... "Whoa, Real Authors! Scary!" And it's strange going to cons and things and realizing that those are for industry connections as well as for fannish things. Convergence of the fannish and the business world is very, very strange indeed.

[handworn.livejournal.com]

Writing isn't just talent, it's skill, too. Acquiring and honing skill is what you can do about talent.