(no subject)

[oyceter]

ginmar's last few posts in general make me feel very queasy and very angry that I am female. I hate that I have to think about this, that I worry about walking outside when it's dark and I'm alone but my boyfriend doesn't. I hate that people I knew at college laughed at the Take Back the Night marches and thought they were unnecessary and quoted the same kinds of statistics on male rape or females lying about being raped (ala Disclosure, stupid ass book). I hate that I feel nidgy and frightened whenever a strange man talks to me, even if he's just being friendly. I hate that I feel almost physically threatened when men invade my personal space. I also hate that my mom tells stories of people being raped to make sure I am more careful, that my sister sometimes blames unwelcome attention from guys on herself being "too friendly." I hate that when she does that, my mom substantiates it and says my sister should be more careful who she smiles to, because people could get the wrong impression.

I hate that this fear has power over my life just because I am female.

Comments

[rachelmanija.livejournal.com]

I've also frequently had the experience, in real life and on the internet, that if men hear women discussing violence against women, they immediately derail the discussion by saying, "Yeah, well, men get raped by women too."

Which has happened, what, maybe ten times in the history of humankind? They don't want to talk about men raping men and boys, which does happen; they laugh that off with jokes about fags, jail, and priests. The purpose of bringing up the "women raping men" line is to stop the discussion cold in its tracks, so they don't have to confront what women have to live with.

Men do, of course, also have to live with violence, but it's far more targeted. A poor black man has an enormous risk of getting murdered, while a well-off white man never even thinks about it. Whereas every woman in existence has to consider the possibility of being raped or murdered, even if only subconsciously, every single day when she thinks about where to park, how much to drink, whether to meet a stranger's eyes.

I've tried explaining that to men, but they find it impossible to take seriously. Every time I've ever tried, they laugh, I tell them to just try to imagine what that's like, then they either deny it or tell me I'm living in fear. (For the record, I do not live in fear. But that doesn't mean I don't consider the possibilities, like anyone else.) I tell them it's like driving on the freeway-- you always have to consider that you might get squashed. They look blank. (This is why men have so many more fatal car accidents than women, perhaps.)

So while I agree with ginmar that men should be learning not to rape women rather than women learning how to avoid rape, I have no idea where to start with that. I'm a fairly persuasive person and the men I talk to regularly consider themselves liberal and enlightened, but ninety percent of them have no clue on these matters and aren't interested in learning.

I once had a conversation with a man _who teaches self defense_ about when no means no. He was convinced that women say no when they mean yes, and offered examples from his own dating experience which I hope to God did happen exactly as he told them to me, because if so, they were consensual-with-old-fashioned-communication. If not...

I said, "Yes, but sometimes no does mean no. If you assume no always means yes, than how do you know when no means no if you won't ask the woman if she's serious? What's she supposed to do to prove she means it, punch you in the face?" But I don't think I got through.

Anyway, given that, I think you should take a self-defense class. I find it enormously empowering and pleasant to know that I could probably kill a man with my bare hands, should I need to, and definitely make him think twice about whether he really wants to continue attacking me.

But no one's bothered me since I was a green belt. (Short version: three guys tried to mug me, I side-stepped them and dashed across the street. They looked really disappointed when I glanced back.) I think the knowledge that I can take care of myself gives me an aura of confidence that scares away bad characters, so I never even knew they were there.)

Oh, and by the way, according to Department of Justice statistics, women who resist _in any way_ when they're attacked-- by yelling, running, fighting, or all three-- have an eighty-five percent chance of getting away without being raped. Most of those women were not trained in any way. I conclude that most rapists are probably not expecting or willing to face serious resistance.

[oyceter]

I know! What pisses me off the most is that I showed one of the links to my boyfriend, and the first thing he could think of was, what if they passed really strict laws about enforcing sexual harrassment and it was abused by women crying wolf!

ARGH.

People who don't believe "no means no" are very frightening.

Mostly I am annoyed because the general assumption (at least at Princeton) was that women's issues were, well, women's issues, which is incredibly insulting. I keep trying to let my bf know that it is not just an "issue" because it affects everyone personally. I bet most of the people at college thought they were reasonable and enlightened, and I personally think everyone was in serious denial over the amount of date rape that was happening there because of the eating club atmosphere and the entire drinking problem.

It just pisses me off, because I was in a situation like that, and no one said anything. No one even acknowledged that it was date rape, except one of my roommates, two years later, after attending a Take Back the Night march.

I think I should start walking around everywhere with my kendo stick, heh.