(no subject)

[oyceter]

ginmar's last few posts in general make me feel very queasy and very angry that I am female. I hate that I have to think about this, that I worry about walking outside when it's dark and I'm alone but my boyfriend doesn't. I hate that people I knew at college laughed at the Take Back the Night marches and thought they were unnecessary and quoted the same kinds of statistics on male rape or females lying about being raped (ala Disclosure, stupid ass book). I hate that I feel nidgy and frightened whenever a strange man talks to me, even if he's just being friendly. I hate that I feel almost physically threatened when men invade my personal space. I also hate that my mom tells stories of people being raped to make sure I am more careful, that my sister sometimes blames unwelcome attention from guys on herself being "too friendly." I hate that when she does that, my mom substantiates it and says my sister should be more careful who she smiles to, because people could get the wrong impression.

I hate that this fear has power over my life just because I am female.

Comments

My story

[bhadrasvapna.livejournal.com]

There are three books I think everyone on the planet should read. One of them is The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence by Gavin DeBecker. Parents will also want to read Protecting the Gift which helps us teach our children about this.

You aren't helpless and that fear will actually protect you. "True fear is a gift." It is a survival signal that sounds only when in the presense of danger. We have done ourselves a grave disservivce by desensitizing ourselves to it with local news stories that tell us there is a rapist behind every bush and movies and amusement parks that make fear fun and safe. We have done ourselves a grave disservice when we try to talk ourselves out of our feelings, any feelings, but especially fear. Our body takes in all sorts of stimuli and has to process it. This isn't always made conscious to us. That sinking feeling could very well save your life or at least protect you from harm.

That is what happened to me. I had just broken up with my favorite boyfriend (or rather he had broken up with me) and came back to school from Spring Break. I went over to a male friend's to vent. We were alone in his apartment, which I didn't think anything of. Men and women can be friends. This was a good friend. No one else was back from break and I didn't want to be alone. I started talking about my old boyfriend, who was a friend of his as well. He seemed annoyed that I wanted to talk about this. He offered me a backrub. Things didn't feel quite right, but I accepted. It got a little too friendly and my body language let him know that I wanted him to back off. He kept with it. Then a voice went off in my head that said "Get out." It was hard to ignore that voice. I made my excuses very quickly and left.

I am convinced that I saved myself a lot of heartache and even more months in therapy by leaving. I later found out this guy really liked me. I think talking about how much I still liked my other boyfriend while this guy was trying to get to first base with me angered him. There were all sorts of clues that I could have easily dismissed because of what society teaches us. I'm glad I didn't.

I did when I was 8. I wasn't taught to listen to those voices inside of me. I didn't even know what they were. I remember feeling weird and that I should leave, but I didn't. I didn't for a while. The last time, I did listen. When that voice said "get out of the basement," I listened. That was the day I reported what was going on. Even at the young age of 8, those voices work. We just have to learn to listen to them and then not let society tell us we are just being girls or silly. Don't let others rob you of your ability to protect yourself.

Read the book. It gave me back something that was taken from me when I was 8, my security and the belief that I can protect myself. Self defense classes are great, but nothing can replace not letting yourself get in those situations in the first place.

Re: My story

[tonapah.livejournal.com]

I'm about halfway done with The Gift of Fear and I'm already telling people about it. I love that it manages to discuss this issue without making me more afraid, which is why I generally avoid self-defense advice in the first place. Great book.

Re: My story

[oyceter]

*nods* Thanks for the rec.

I don't know -- part of what I'm angry about (and one of the points that Ginmar made) is that the responsibility for avoiding/defusing those types of situations is put on the victim of the crime. Not to say that one shouldn't use common sense, but I think combating this should be a public concern, not just shoved in the ghetto of "women's issues."

Re: My story

[bhadrasvapna.livejournal.com]

I think what DeBecker presents is a public concern and ultimately responsible for much of what is wrong with society. He shows how we are taught to ignore our inner wisdom. One of the other books I think everyone should read is Christiane Northrup's Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom. Men have this inner wisdom as well (though it isn't cyclic), but I haven't found a good book about it or I would but that on the list as well.

It is ignoring this or worse telling it to shut up that messes people up. Not just in this area, but all facets of life. Angelus sums it up well in "Release." These people lash out because they see it as the way to stop the pain. Why not go to the source of that pain? That pain comes from not being who we are. We aren't who we are because we don't listen to our inner wisdom. What protects us can solve the problem in the first place.

As a public concern, how do we stop this sort of violence? Until we start dealing with the source of pain, we are just putting band aids on things. We can just treat it after the effect. If this, then that. If we want to stop that, deal with this.

Violence against women is directed there because of misogyny and that should be dealt with, but that will only cause that violence to go elsewhere. It will change the target, not the violence. I don't think this should be a women's issue in that women are the ones dealing with it because it happens to women. I think it should be a human issue because it involves humans. The person committing a crime is a victim as well, a victim of a world that is hard and bright and violent. The vast majority of abusers were abused themselves. When they cross the line from abused to abuser, does that mean they no longer deserve help?

Responsibility should be on society. Not to just put on band aids, but to get to the source of the problem. Otherwise the weeds will keep growing.

Re: My story

[oyceter]

*nods* Definitely.

Totally off the subject, but is Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom very different from Our Bodies, Our Selves? I've been eyeing the first one at the bookstore, but I've heard the most about the second. I think the similar titles just confuse me.

Re: My story

[bhadrasvapna.livejournal.com]

I think they are pretty different. Our Bodies, Ourselves, for its time (1969) was an incredible book. It finally gave women medical information about their bodies. It was an important step. It's a step, not the finish line. Problem was many think it is the finish line. They accept the patriarchal medical model that Western medicine is founded on.

Dr. Northrup does one better. The stuff in is pretty much common knowledge today. They did an update, but it doesn't celebrate women like Women's bodies, Women's Wisdom (whose title probably comes from the classic). Our Bodies didn't really address the mind-body connection like Dr. Northrup does.

The body stuff the Patriarchal model gives is important, but the mind cannot be dismissed. I like Women's Bodies better.

Re: My story

[oyceter]

Thanks for the info ^_^. I'll remember that next time I'm in the bookstore.