Sex resource recs?

[oyceter]

I have recently been extremely annoyed by the pervasive narrative of sex and sexuality in USian mainstream culture, particularly as represented by romance novels. Lest people think I am bashing romance novels, I suspect much of this narrative is in a lot of USian mainstream culture, particularly mainstream porn; I focus on romances since that's where I get the bulk of my sex narratives as of the past few years.

Thanks to the OKCupid experiment, I looked up dating advice on the Internet, which brought up site after site after site on how men can tell if a woman will hook up with him, how women can secretly signal their willingness to have sex without ever saying so, how having sex or not having sex after date #[x] means [y] about you or your partner, how to flirt, how to dress, and etc. All the advice basically seems aimed toward cis het monogamous 20- to 30-somethings, and the most annoying thing is that all the advice is the same. I'm not actually surprised by this; I've read enough Cosmopolitan and GQ magazine to have seen all the advice before, but it was disappointing to realize that despite all my qualms with romance novels, they actually model better sexual relationships than these stupid articles. At least in romances, there are different characters who like different things and do different things for different reasons.

Even so, I hate the dominant narrative of non-communication, the assumption that your perfect sex partner (or partners, although usually it's singular) will magically know exactly how to get you off and bring you to orgasm. I've seen very few examples of negotiation in the romances I've read, and very few examples of sex that deviate from the kissing -> touching breasts -> touching vagina/clitoris -> oral sex performed on the woman -> penis-in-vagina sex. Not only is there nearly no acknowledgement of trans people, gender fluidity, queerness, kink, poly, disabled people, people of different ages and orientations, or different levels of sexuality, there isn't even a lot of room for het cis couples to deviate. I've literally seen one heroine in a romance novel saying having her nipples touched did nil for her (Lydia Joyce, The Veil of Night, for the record).

I haven't read fic for a long time, so I don't know how much the narrative changes there. What I do remember from fic is a greater openness to OT#, male and female slash, some gender fluidity, and a fair amount of kink, but I still get frustrated that it often goes from kissing to touching to oral sex to some sort of penile penetration. I haven't read as much femslash, so I don't know if a lot of it ends with vaginal penetration? And the sex is almost always magically mind blowing, orgasms happen regularly, and people don't suddenly get hand cramps or lose their arousal or accidentally elbow someone or get hair stuck in awkward places. I think there is actually more of that in the fic I've read, but the focus on amazing sex and orgasms still annoys me. I do think the fantasy sex is a nice fantasy, where everything goes off perfectly and is awesome and there are spouting geysers and fireworks and whatnot, and believe me, I am especially grateful to have that type of narrative by and for the female gaze. So while I don't want to reduce that type of sexual narrative, I also want alternatives, because I've found that while sites like Scarleteen have great advice, it's still really hard to implement said advice unless you've seen and read and ingested many many many permutations of said advice. And a lot of how I personally do that is via fiction. (I could also talk about how taboos of talking about sex result in getting more of this from fiction than from friends and family.)

And even though I am feminist and firmly believe in consent and saying "no" and figuring out boundaries, it was scary realizing how difficult it was putting theory into practice. A friend linked me to No and no and no and yes (non-explicit descriptions of kink, consent boundaries, and restraints), and I was just, "YES. YES THAT."

So if anyone else has recommendations, either fictional or non-fictional, for sexual narratives that involve negotiating consent and boundaries and figuring out what you like and don't like and are kind of meh about but will try or hate the idea of and awkwardness during sex, I will love you forever! I've been going through The Pervocracy, but really, I'd love more to read, especially real-life applications of the above. As in, Scarleteen and Our Bodies Ourselves are helpful, but I think what I really want are ways to see theory put into practice, fictional or non-fictional, to get a better idea of ranges and methods and just... options. I am a cis het Asian woman in a monogamous relationship that isn't particularly kinky, but honestly, anything that has the negotiation and learning about sexuality especially would be great. Double plus bonus points for things that reference mental illness and dealing with heteronormative gender expectations and being girly and feminist. Also, normally in these cases, I am all "Who cares about the mens?!" but in this case, if there is stuff for cis het men who read as more stereotypically feminine than masculine, that would be awesome. (FWIW, aforementioned guy is Asian.)

Comments

[commodorified]

I don't have a lot myself, but I know who to send you to: pantryslut (On LJ; she has a placeholder over here, but posts there).

[oyceter]

Awesome, thanks for the rec!

[via_ostiense]

The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex: The Most Complete Sex Manual Ever Written is put out by the sex shop, and it's all about figuring out different things you like and the negotiation of boundaries, and it emphasizes communication. The Amazon reviews give a good overview of what's in the book (particularly amused by the commenter who says it "panders to feminists and gays"--I'm all for that!). The illustrations, btw, are line drawings.

[oyceter]

Ahahahah pandering to teh feminist and teh gays OH NOES! I think that alone puts it on my tbr list.

[epershand]

You might be interested in Clarisse Thorn's stuff. She writes primarily about BDSM but she has a TON of great stuff about negotiating boundaries, finding the balance between sexual desire and your own expectations for what you should want, etc.

[oyceter]

Yay, thank you, checking that out!

[dorothean]

There are several entries at kink_finder's "consent" tag that have recommendations for fics that feature negotiated consent. I don't remember reading any of the fics mentioned cos they're not in my fandoms, but there are a bunch of them.

[oyceter]

Oh, that's awesome, thank you!

[sanguinity]

Okay if I pass this to a trusted friend? He's my go-to guy for this kind of question.

[oyceter]

Yes, definitely, and thank you!

[rachelmanija]

I think for negotiated consent and boundaries, anything BDSM is your best bet. I'm not sure I have specific recs that you don't already know about, but that general category will typically involve the issues you're interested in. (For advice columnists, Dan Savage does discuss that stuff a lot and definitely going against the US sexual mainstream, but I think he'd drive you mad for other reasons.)

I have some stories involving sexual negotiations, but I think you've read them all. ;) Otherwise, for fic, seriously, search on AO3 for BDSM. You might also try kink memes, which are very much not kiss-oral-penetration. However, kink memes are basically about getting off, so they're probably not the place to go to avoid orgasms. Hmm. You might try "orgasm denial."

Oddly enough, most of the published fiction I've read which involves awkward sex/no-orgasm sex is male-centric - lots of mainstream novels have a bad or at least not-earthshaking sex scene from the POV of a straight masculine man. They probably wouldn't be your thing, but if you're interested, I could rec some.

Have you read Sarah Waters? Or Patrick Califia?

[laurashapiro]

I think for negotiated consent and boundaries, anything BDSM is your best bet.

Yes! Thank you! I knew I was forgetting something.

Oyce: I highly recommend The Topping Book and The Bottoming Book. Good Vibes has both. As you might expect, they are intro-level how-to books on kink, but at least a third of each is about communication and negotiation. Written by a queer woman and a straight woman (both white I am pretty sure). The illustrations, which are both charming and hot, feature a racial, age, and body-size diversity that's pretty rare in anything sex-related.

[vom_marlowe]

I have one off the top of my head rec, and then I'll have to think about it.
The Whole Lesbian Sex Book by Felice Newman, which yes, yes it's for lesbians, but it actually covers a lot of those topics, like disability, mental illness (including anorgasmia caused by meds), consent, varying kinks (as in whether partners' kinks match), how to negotiate, gender (not destiny), anal sex, poly, and on and on. It's a pretty broad book, so some topics aren't covered in-depth, but one of the things I like is that it has multiple women's voices, because the author included a bunch of survey responses in the book. It's not designed for het couples (obvsly), but it is a great discussion of the broad topics and has tons of resources for more information on each individual topic. It's very sex positive, too, which is a big plus (I sometimes am surprised by how many sex books don't seem sex positive).

[oyceter]

Oh, that looks awesome, thank you!

(Also, it is so sad about non-sex-postive sex books!)

[(Anonymous)]

The sex scene near the end of this fic (reboot!Trek, femslash) is very good at the negotiating/figuring things out/explicit consent stuff:
http://archiveofourown.org/works/131084

[oyceter]

That looks awesome, thank you!

[sophia_helix]

I hear good things about The Guide to Getting It On. Also, reading lots of Dan Savage's column over the years, while not necessarily helpful on a column-by-column basis, has a good cumulative effect, I think. People frequently write in wanting his permission to do or not do certain things, and his advice generally comes down to "do whatever it is you want most, in communication with your partner."

[jain]

I'm afraid I have to anti-rec The Guide to Getting It On. It's extremely hetero- and cisnormative; has more sexual trivia than practical advice; and includes a long, unnecessary, and (I thought) offensive screed against male circumcision.

Also, while I generally liked the authors' explicit inclusion of disabled people as part of their intended audience, there's a truly disgusting part in the letters section where a male wheelchair-user with a neurological disorder deliberately gropes an unconsenting woman and blames it on his palsy, and rather than lambasting him for committing assault, the book's authors congratulate him for expressing his sexuality.

[tatterpunk]

I think I'm still unclear on what it is exactly you're looking for. "Explorations of sexual comfort," maybe?

Anyway, I do recommend Emily Nagoski, especially as tonic to Dan Savage. (I grew up on Savage Love, but there comes a time when anyone of sense has to acknowledge Savage's rampant biphobia, as well as his more laissez-faire approach to women in kink.) She upsets some people because of what can read as gender essentialism, but she's always careful to state she is talking in (biological) generalities because individual cases are too widely varied -- her statements are intended to be taken as a baseline from which one can be defined via distinguishing. And I appreciate that.

BDSM/kink blogs can be a real hit-and-miss situation, but those written by female dominants and male submissives can be really, I don't know, refreshing when it comes to narratives of sex and gender roles. (If you find the right ones.) But it's very dependent on personal taste. If you like Bitchy Jones, you'll probably also like the people she links to, esp May May (who hits the mental illness/exploration/feminine presentation of a cis male/non-het buttons). He's recently become very much about scene politics and reform, but browse the archives and you'll find the more personal stuff.

In terms of realistic fictional sex. Helenish can be a master at what I think you're getting at, the push-pull narrative of "Do we like what we're doing? I'm not sure we like what we're doing." I've only read her Stargate: Atlantis fics, but of those you might want to take a gander at "Blush" and "Selfish." "Take Off Clothes As Directed" should also be on that list, I guess, but it might need the context of the fic it was written in response to (Xanthe's "Coming Home") which might be too much to ask for in your present state of mind.

Absolutely nothing comes to mind in terms of profic. Sarah Waters is fun, but her sex is as magically delicious as anyone's.

[oyceter]

Ahaha, I am not exactly sure what I am looking for either. I think more just... awkward and funny and not-perfect explorations of sex in general? In which people don't always orgasm and things go wrong.

I read Bitchy Jones! Sometimes I do not quite agree with her, but I also like her take on femdom, and have been checking out May May's Male Submission blog for a while.

Thanks for the other recs, will check those out, esp. Emily Nagoski!

[mercredigirl]

http://archiveofourown.org/collections/ladieschoice may be of interest?

[oyceter]

Awesome, thank you!

Betty Dodson

[chi-zu.livejournal.com]

Betty Dodson is my hero. I don't know that this is what you're looking for exactly, but I've found her website to be an amazing resource: www.dodsonandross.com. She also has a book, "Orgasms for Two" that I haven't read, but you might find it helpful.

Re: Betty Dodson

[chi-zu.livejournal.com]

Forgot to add this: http://sexisnottheenemy.tumblr.com/ which broadens the narrative visually and which I find to be tremendously sex positive and happy. It's worth paging through the archives.

[laurashapiro]

I have read mostly fantasy sex and then clinical sorts of books from twenty-five years ago (the latter of which showed me the range of desires, activities, and arousal patterns that are possible). So my recs would be offline and, on reflection, not very inclusive of trans, queer, and -of color perspectives. I will do some thinking and report back!

This is why I so often wrote awkward, unperfect sex when I was writing fic. But I am reluctant to rec my own fanfiction as a sex resource!

[oyceter]

Offline is good too! (Also, now I am tempted to look up your fic but only if you are okay with it!)

[meara]

Hey, I gotta put in that at least the oral part of that series has been added to the romances! Back when I started reading them as a teen, it was just "kissing, touching, penetratIon". Oral was rare!

[oyceter]

Hahahaha, yeeeeaaaaah. Now I feel oral is pretty standard, although the heroine in historicals is usually still shocked, shocked I say, that something like that happens. But there are also a lot more experienced heroines now than there were.

[lovepeaceohana]

\o/

Here I am, waving my poly banner!

I learned most of my "how to" negotiations from reading resources for initiating/maintaining/managing (gods that sounds so dull, lol) multiple relationships, starting with xeromag's polyamory site and making my way through The Ethical Slut (which I can totally snail mail to you, if you want it), as well as a handful of other books whose titles haven't stuck with me. I also really like The Guide to Getting It On, which is rec'd upthread, and S.E.X.: The all-you-need-to-know progressive sexuality guide to getting through high school and college which I'm pretty sure is written by someone with connections to Scarleteen, which made it very familiar and comforting to read.

But! Xeromag's site was definitely where I learned my ropes. Ymmv, of course, but I'd definitely recommend checking it out.

[oyceter]

Oooo, awesome, thank you! I am trying to figure out if I am monogamous just because that is what I'm used to, or something else...

I would love to borrow Ethical Slut if you're willing to lend it! Thanks for the recs!

[bibliofile]

Seconding anything from Good Vibrations.

There's always Susie Bright, who is brilliant and also addresses various audiences (for example, she wrote a lesbian sex column for Penthouse back in the '80s). I haven't read all of her nonfiction, but it pretty much rocks. Worth researching to see which ones might suit your purposes.

For pr0n, look at Circlet Press and Cecilia Tan. I haven't read all of the anthologies, but the ones I've read aren't squickworthy, and a friend whose opinions I trust has a story in one of them. (Said friend was my source for a pamphlet on how to clean your leather sex toys; if our kinks meshed, I'd trust her completely.)

There are also the anthologies edited by Susie Bright: the Best American Erotica series in retrospect looks like a good bridge between "finding the stuff that you may never see" and the broad variety of anthologies available today. Draws from all sorts of sources, so you get bits of novels, all sorts of relationships, etc. over time.

(Thinking back, I picked up most of my info re: etiquette and safety from friends, mostly fans, including some panels at conventions. Ain't DW/LJ great? Cutting all that time & effort down tremendously.)

[oyceter]

Susie Bright! I vaguely remember reading some of those. I've read I think one Cecilia Tan anthology, and while I liked the stories, they read more as getting-off porn than sex-ed porn? Uh. I do not think there has to be a line between the two, obviously, but the stories in that anthology seemed to be more standard erotica that I've read?

[(Anonymous)]

the sad thing about this is that most if not all the advice is wrong! just aimed at a male audience and a young one at that. too bad they didn't ask females what they were looking for. I bet that would have changed web sites fast.

[oyceter]

I am so not surprised! Disappointed though =(.

[daedala]

Now I feel sad, because I just donated a bunch of my books (including some rec'd here, such as the GV guide and Easton/Hardy books). If I run into any more good ones that I do not intend to keep as I go through the library, do you want me to check with you before sending them on?

Carol Queen has not yet been mentioned; I remember liking Exhibitionism for the Shy quite a bit, and it's very definitely about speaking up. I found her fiction a little too More Genderqueer Than Thou for my taste; I wondered if I were being too whatever-normative, but a trans friend told me she got that vibe too.

I have done so much reading in this that I am afraid it all blurs together, so I don't remember any more specific recs. But I will post if I remember.

[oyceter]

Awwww, oh well. I would really appreciate it if you checked in if you are up for that! MOAR BOOKS!

Exhibitionism for the Shy sounds extremely helpful! And any more recs would be greatly appreciated!

[jesse_the_k]

Thanks for asking, Oyceter -- the wealth of knowledge on your network is gratifying and nifty!

Just in case you didn't see it on Scarlateen, this is a particularly lovely article re: negative body image, impairment, and sexuality: Disability Dharma by Heather Corinna

[oyceter]

Oh, that's an awesome link, thanks so much!