Thoughts on religion and belief

First things first: apparently Angel's been renewed! WOOHOO!!!! I still have a Joss show on TV!

And now, for more serious matters:

Inspired by scrollgirl's entry

I grew up with a lot of Christian friends and was technically raised Christian -- I read all the Bible stories in my Children's Bible, went to church and Bible study on Sundays -- everyone I knew back in Colorado was Christian. The Chinese Christian community, you know?

Then we moved to Taiwan. And all the people I knew weren't Christian even though a good deal of them were. And I've never really personally believed in God or in Jesus, especially when I hit puberty. My sister says I told her once in eighth grade that all religions were stupid (I don't remember this at all). And it was always strange, reconciling the familial (my mother is Christian and my sister really affirmed herself as a Christian in high school) pressure and belief that I was a Christian -- my mother simply assumes and my sister gently pushes it at me -- with my complete lack of belief. My father's not really anything at all, kind of like me. And, well, I don't know. Sometimes I feel as though it would be easier to be Christian, because there's this set structure to follow and there's the faith aspect. I've always wanted to have faith in something, to not have a nihilistic view of the world. And sometimes I wonder about all religions, if they're merely a way for people to make sense of the universe and of themselves, a reassurance instead of Truth. It was strange when I landed in college and found my mother urging me to join some Christian fellowships here to make friends, because by that time, I'd already associated myself with pretty much not being Christian. I didn't believe. And many of the people I personally met in college were suprisingly more religious than I thought, and many of them were also surprisingly more areligious than I thought. And yes, one of the things that disturbed me most about the areligious ones was that a few of them were pretty vehemently anti-Christian. Well, to me, it seems kind of silly to cast stereotypes on all of Christianity on account of persecution of other religions in the past... I mean, isn't that kind of on the same boat?

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So pissed off.

I'm so mad right now. First of all, I'm stupid. I just remembered today, before Dean's date, when everything is due, that I have not one paper due tomorrow, which I thought, but TWO. And the second one is seven pages long. It shouldn't seem long compared to the stupid thesis, but after the thesis, I just feel so burned out. I do not want to write anymore. Ever. Why does my university not understand this?

Secondly, I finally went in and talked the prof. who's giving me comps for Chinese lit. And I swear, none of my professors have any idea what's going on. This is the first year my department has decided to do real comps, as opposed to slipping a few questions in thesis defense, and no one seems to have any idea of how it's going to go. And this professor just kept getting everything wrong! I think he started assuming I didn't know anything about Chinese literature because I've only taken one course in it, as opposed to the *gasp* two I've taken in Chinese history, and started suggesting that we could concentrate on Japanese lit. Well, I don't know anything about modern Japanese literature, so I told him I'd very much prefer us sticking to the topic I picked in the first place. Then he asked me what Chinese history classes I've taken, and I told him I took one on the Qing dynasty and HIS 207 (East Asia up to the 1800s). And he said some random stuff about looking at Chinese history AFTER the Qing dynasty and comparing it to modern developments in Japanese history, completely ignoring or not knowing that HIS 207 is UP TO the 1800s, not after. I know nothing about modern Chinese history! Argh! And it just kept going like that... I'd say something and he'd completely misinterpret it. Finally, I think I got the point across that I can do lyric stuff in Chinese literature from the earliest forms up to the Song Dynasty. Which is a lot of stuff! It goes from 1000 BC to 1100 AD for heaven's sake!

So now, instead of feeling better about comps, I feel worse. I feel so screwed over by the department. All the professors I've taken classes from are not here right now -- they are on sabbatical or they have moved to another university entirely. So none of the professors giving me comps are ones I've taken classes under -- I don't know them, they don't know me, and I kind of think from the questions I've asked them, they think I'm totally stupid or something. I'd feel so much better if I were taking these with Profs. Howell and Kern, because I know them, they know me, I'd have a much better idea of what to expect, etc.

I must remember what S. said -- all that really matters right now is getting a grade high enough to graduate. This I can do. So: two crappy papers to write tonight, along with studying for pre-modern Japanese history (luckily, my strongest subject). Then tomorrow I'll check out the Chinese lit. anthology and reread poems from last year's Chinese lit. class. And watch Buffy of course. ARGH. I feel so stressed out. I hate this. I can't believe I was so stupid to actually completely forget about an entire paper!!

In other news, watched the Buffy wildfeed. Am completely confused and must watch again before even remotely beginning to clarify my thoughts. Will continue to use the fact about Angel's renewal to calm myself down and ignore the Spike-bashage making the rounds. Having faith in ME. Yes. Good job, me.