I used my words!

[oyceter]

I have been plowing through Captain Awkward lately. For those of you who don't know (? I hadn't heard of it until now, but it seems like there are a lot of fannish commenters there?), Captain Awkward is an advice column that actually (*gasp*) gives good interpersonal advice. As in: "use your words because people are not telepathic" or "boundaries are good!" or "the only person you can change is yourself."

Plus, the main blogger has depression, and mental health questions feature relatively frequently, and the entire team seems to be feminist and generally anti-oppression. And, better yet, they try not to assume that people are heterosexual or monogamous or that families of origin are bestest (this was important for me).

Why did I not find this when I was looking for dating advice during my OKCupid stint?

Anyway, it cheered me up greatly during the parental visit, especially when my reinforcing boundaries didn't get the best feedback. And I am a bit smug and think CB and I are doing a lot of the good relationship things, like talking (!) and enjoying each other's company (!!) and working through issues (!!!).

So! Since this has made me happy, tell me how you have successfully used your words recently!

I told my dad I did not want to talk about exercise or weight or eating habits and held to it even when he called me oversensitive. And! It actually seemed to work this trip?! \o/

Comments

[littlebutfierce]

I know, I've been linked to it before but only recently started reading it (also Dear Sugar -- would love to know of more advice columnists that are similar) & yeah, I really like it!

I am having trouble thinking of any major instances where I have used my words recently, but a minor one: my really annoying coworker asked me the other day if I wanted to hear her "really un-politically correct" joke & I said no. ^^;;

[oyceter]

Go you!

OMG, I totally love the whole "own the awkward silence and revel in it" thing. It is SO HARD to do, but when I get there, it is like, "Oh HAY now you feel awkward and not me wahahahaha!"

[bibliofile]

I have been known to say out loud that my psychic link is down, which is why I'm asking [whatever]. Which means that THEY may be psychic, but I'm really not.

Such excellent advice! Words comma using. Who knew?

[mme_hardy]

I said to a child, "You're rather spiky lately", and left it there. A few hours later the child apologized and explained the underlying source of the anger, which had nothing to do with me.

YAY YOU AND YOUR DAD!

I will say again how totally impressed I was with the turnaround in you and your parents -- not that they have changed, alas, but that you know now that you're a good person and worthy of being treated with respect, and that you have strategies for protecting yourself when you are not.

[oyceter]

Heeee, yes, I like using your words to tell people you have to use your words.

... sorry. I am using that phrase a lot, but it is my new favorite thing.

[estara]

I don't know about using them quite successfully for my parents, but when my mother accused me of being jealous of my niece while hugging (!) me goodbye during my last visit, I really rejected it out loud and called her out on it and got loud, even though my father was still asleep! Sacrilege!

This instance has made me aware a whole lot more of the basic manipulation and massive blind spots my mother has, in a way that I haven't been before (my brother, who has a family of his own and much less contact with my parents during his university years and teenage years than I did, saw this double-standard years ago). Which makes me less willing to be put upon, so I feel a bit more emancipated and less vulnerable to their venomous sides.

[oyceter]

Awww, yay!

And awwww, thank you. I'm still kind of doing the wait and see game to see how much any of the boundary setting has taken, but it's very good to know that it works. Also, being able to just say "Look, you can think I am a bad daughter all you want, go ahead" is very nice.

[oyceter]

GO YOU!!

Oh man, so YES to manipulation and parents. I really like Captain Awkward for advice on stuff like parents and friends and romantic interests who are very bad with boundaries, because there's none of the "But they're your [parent/friend/+1/whatever], you should xyz!"

[cyprinella]

I love Captain Awkward! I also love how the commenters generally don't suck. That blog and Carolyn Hax are the only advice columnists I can stand.

Only vaguely related, but the cue that I use with Greta for barking on command is "Use your words!" instead of "Speak". My mom's an early childhood teacher and it was something we heard a lot growing up.

[oyceter]

Yes! I generally feel it's a good blog when I can go down in the comments and feel they are just as worth reading as the post.

Bwahaha, I love that.

[lnhammer]

Heh. Sometimes we will tell each other "the telepathic link is down" as a shorthand for reminding each other to use our words.

---L.

[estara]

Thank you ^^. With my parents being in their late 70s any other progress is highly unlikely, so it's best if *I* start seeing the mechanism at work (I usually take people at face value, which in this case really does not work) and get some more distance.

I'll be checking CA out.

[laurashapiro]

This sounds like a real series of wins for you!

I am trying to Use My Words more when I need help -- asking for help instead of just assuming I won't get it. It's HARD. But necessary.

[sumofparts]

I am a huge fan of the blog, especially of the step-by-step nature of the advice. Glad to know it's helpful for your own interactions. Good luck with the boundary-setting!

[jinian]

:)

[sqbr]

I told someone that I was feeling to ill to chat to them, usually I just soldier through not wanting to hurt their feelings. Using my words about the fact that I'm not up to using words, hurrah :D

[sarasusa]

I've mostly been unsuccessful in word-use recently. But thanks so much for pointing me in the direction of Captain Awkward!

[lea_hazel]

Um, bookmarked so hard.

[oyceter]

I HATE asking for help. Urgh, especially at work!

[oyceter]

Thank you!

[oyceter]

Yay, go you! I know, I have trouble being all "Hey, totally not in the mood to talk" and end up being silently grumpy instead of actually communicating...

[oyceter]

Hope you enjoy!

[oyceter]

\o/

[mme_hardy]

I once caught myself telling a cat to use its indoor voice.

[laurashapiro]

Me too, but mostly at home. Usually I just don't even think of asking; I assume I can do everything myself, and then I get resentful when I wind up doing everything myself. Oh, brain. How does that even make sense?

[starlady]

I actually sent someone an email rather than stewing in the 'omg she must hate me' paranoid assumptions. Spoilers: she doesn't hate me. \o/

[tatterpunk]

Today I used so many of my words!

One instance was with my dad, like you! (Isn't it scary? Or is it just when you're raised by super A-types like me?) In a response to a weirdly pushy email on a very sensitive subject I explained why I was taking my present course of action and then: Dad, you just have to trust me. And it worked! \o/

And then! I said to my boss, we have to talk! And I gave him a window and then left him alone, and he came and got me to talk, and I said: there is some stuff! What is up with that? And he said, well, some from column A, a sprinkle from D, and there may even some C lurking in there. I replied: well, I have to let you know that if ABC, then I may XYZ. And he said Really, which was not so much the answer I wanted, but at least it was a reaction. So. Progress?

[oyceter]

Whoo go you! (I hate that "no one likes me, everyone hates me" jerkbrain voice...)

[oyceter]

Whoa, go you!!

[lady_ganesh]

I set some serious boundaries in an Important Relationship Conversation Wednesday. It felt great.

[oyceter]

WHOO! That is so hard, go you!!!

[lady_ganesh]

It's nowhere near over yet but I feel like I've made a lot of progress standing up for myself.