Icon meme + five worst books ever

[oyceter]

This is my Taiwan icon! I made it from this picture, which I took when rachelmanija and I visited the Long Shan temple in Taipei with my family last year. I just love how the old temple is now right next to a shiny office building, and in the original picture, you can see reflections of ugly Taipei buildings. All the same, I love the ugly buildings and their bathroom-tiled exteriors!


One of my absolute favorite scenes from the anime Honey & Clover, in which artist Hagu thinks about art as an infinite number of boxes, all filled with ideas, stretching out to the horizon, simultaneously excited and saddened by the fact that she will never be able to open all of them in the space of a life time. Oh Hagu, I love you.


It's Fuu from Samurai Champloo being all woeful! Except she's still in a happy pink kimono, so she's not too woeful. This is my "woe" icon, obviously, but for woeful things that aren't too dire. I think the shot is from Fuu, Mugen and Jin mutually moping because they don't have enough money for food. Also, I secretly love this icon because rachelmanija said once that Fuu reminded her of me.


Goku from Saiyuki! rilina made this icon, and it is an icon of joy! I really should use it more often -- it captures what I love most about Goku, his enthusiasm for life. Unsurprisingly, like Fuu, he is a big food appreciator. I think Goku is the anime/manga character I most want to be like right now. Except for the whole berserk killer thing...


One of the first icons I ever made! The picture is actually of the ex's desk; I think you can see a corner of calligraphy reading "Nihon" on the wall, a set of sake cups, a speaker (the giant black blob), and the top of a Chinese-esque box. Mostly I just applied a billion filters to the thing and then had fun with squares, as that was back when I was first learning how to use Photoshop.

And since Rachel asked, my five worst books ever!

In no particular order:

RL Stine - I can't remember which book this is, since there are so many with increasingly implausible and silly deaths. But the book had a character dying via a piece of dough placed in his/her mouth. The dough rose and miraculously acquired enough force to suffocate the person or to cause death via dough in the brain. I swear, I am not making this up.

Barbara Hambly, the Dragonsbane sequels - I think I may have blocked out how truly terrible these were from my mind. This is particularly sad, because I love Dragonsbane, but the sequels reverse a key decision in the original book (I think) and then begin to incorporate incoherent dimension- and/or time-travel. Other elements that I may or may not be remembering correctly: squalid details about homeless, addicted people in an alternate dystopic earth and how John either saves them or becomes one of them. Mely notes that there is also demonic mother-son incest, which I managed to scrub out of my memory.

Emma Donoghue, Slammerkin - So, there's the "rocks fall, everyone dies" ending, and then there's Slammerkin, in which rocks (metaphorically) fall, everyone dies; you sell your virginity for a red ribbon, get gang raped, then thrown out of the house; you abort your misbegotten gang rape child with a stick; and your best prostitute friend freezes to death on the street and you briefly think of burying her and instead pry a bottle of gin from her cold, dead fingers. The best thing? This is just the first hundred pages! It gets worse (spoilers)!

Robin Schone, Awaken, My Love - I cannot believe I actually finished this. Here's the original post. First, there is the gratuitous detailing of historical squalor. If two people are going to have sex later, I really do not want to know about how unclean they are when they pee, nor do I want details about bad breath, bad teeth, greasy hair, and dirty clothing. I do not mind these things, but when paired with descriptions of bulging tumescences and yonis and chakras and other nonsense blindly taken from the Kama Sutra, they are ridiculously funny. Also, the heroine's husband has apparently never heard of sex, masturbation, or orgasms, and he is supposedly a perfectly normal guy.

The hero's wife is frigid, so he rapes her into submission! We get entirely too detailed descriptions on dryness and tearing, zero remorse from the hero, and no sympathy from the author. Clearly, the hero's wife deserved it for being frigid, for having one leg be shorter than the other, and for being raped by her uncle when she was a child.

I still cannot believe I finished this. All I have to say is that it was before I started throwing books at walls.

And now, I can't think of a fifth, as they were either so bad that I never finished them, or mind-numbingly mediocre. Instead, I list: Piers Anthony, especially the Adept series and its gratuitous virtual sex (IIRC); Robert Jordan, with his notions of how women act; Anne McCaffrey's Freedom series; Anne Bishop's penis-shaped breadsticks; and the Beatrice Small book I started and never finished because it was just that bad in every possible aspect.

Comments

[magicnoire.livejournal.com]

For a minute, I got confused because when I think of Anne Bishop, I think of her magical cock ring books and so I was like, "There were penis-shaped breadsticks in those? Huh, I don't remember!"

And then I remember she's written other books! Like the aforementioned penis-shaped breadstick one. Which I have read but apparently have forced out of my memory because I can't recall a single thing about it. Even reading your notes in the linked entry made me boggle. Because I have read that book! And I can't remember any of that!

[meganbmoore.livejournal.com]

Perhaps your mind attempted to block it? Mine has almost managed to cleanse itself of most of the Edwards book and that one Kenyon.

(Edit: whoops, wrong" bad book" icon)

[oyceter]

Hee! Sebastian was utterly forgettable, and I never finished it.

I didn't include her magical cock ring books because those are so bad they end up good! Whereas the others are just bad.

[magicnoire.livejournal.com]

Also, thanks for the Slammerkin link! I've had that book in my TBR pile for ages but I always put it down after a few pages. Maybe my radar senses the impending depression!

[oyceter]

Ohhhh Slammerkin. The only reason I finished it was because it was one of the only books I brought on a trip to Italy.

ZOMG. SO NOT A VACATION BOOK!

[magicnoire.livejournal.com]

I was so bothered by my memory block of this book, I actually went back to see if there was any proof I had read this book.

Here is my bookblog, dated 6/17/07:
I swear this book is like Black Jewels-lite but Different. Except Not. For all its (numerous) flaws, the Black Jewels books are still favorites of mine. And it seems like nothing else she writes can compare. Sebastian is all right and a nice way to pass the time, but just not as interesting (read: crackalicious).

I couldn't even note down anything interesting after having finished the book! lol

[oyceter]

I know! It really is very boring. Also, the prose is wretched; I have still not recovered from the use of "rabbit-tiger" as a term of endearment.

[meganbmoore.livejournal.com]

Wow...you actually finished the Schone? After about 30 pages, I just started skimming it because I worked in the bookstore at the time and was expected to be familiar with the "big" romance novels because I read them.

Bertrice Small is...it's historical Mary Sue fanfic where the heroine is always the most beautiful and sensual woman alive(and often thinks of herself as such) all female historical figures are evil jealous hags who hate the heroine because she's prettier, and throughout the book, the heroine will at one point be involved with virtually every type of "romantic hero" popular tothat time period. Do not ask me how I know this. It is a secret shame. (What? The sexual stuations are so ridiculous at times that I feel compelled to see what ridiculous thing she'll come up with next.)

[oyceter]

Yeeaaaah... that was back in the day when I finished everything.

The only thing I remember about the Small I read was the petite, red-headed, perfectly-formed heroine (they are always "perfectly formed"), who is FIFTEEN. There was skanky villain sex in chapter 1, involving her uncle, who is in lust with her and has skanky villainous incestous thoughts all the time.

[meganbmoore.livejournal.com]

I think the Schone was when I stopped finishing everything. Naturally, it was amazingly popular.

*thinks*

Yes.

I believe that one went through about 3 shieks and the king lusted after her so much that he agreed to pardon her treasonous True Love for a night of por-uhm, passion.

Or I could be thinking of another. But I remember the description and the uncle. Then again, both appear in other books.

I think I had the best giggle at the one where her True Love had amnesia and was the sex slave of an evil sorceress and she became the sex slave of the sorceress's brother to save him, and the sorceress and her brother decided that, since neither of them could have kids, the OTP would bear them a child, but sorceress's brother lurved her sssssoooooooooooooo much that he couldn't bear for another man to touch her without him there, so there was a threesome with her and the two guys with lots of prayers and aphrodesiacs involved, and True Love regained his memories at a *cough* "moment." After that, a Convenient Plot Device caused True Love to stop having sex with the sorceress, so the heroine was both sex slave and sneaking off to have sex with True Love when she could.

I make none of this up.

And people devour this stuff(I love skim for giggling when they're free.)

[oyceter]

O_o

WOW!

[meganbmoore.livejournal.com]

And the only thing out of the ordinary about that as far as her books go is that there were only the two guys. I think her "most beloved heroine," Skye O'Malley(the one who regularly refers to herself as the most sensual women in the world) went through about twenty(she also had a few bouts of convenient amnesia so that she wouldn't REALLY be cheating on the current love of her life.) OH!!! She also became a sex slave in a harem(and yes, that's how it's portrayed) to save her husband from a villainess(who once raped Skye) who had him as a sex slave...his love for Skye was so pure that he could not perform for her without a lot of "help."

[chomiji]

> reaches for mind bleach <

meganb, how can you read this stuff? I'm too squeamish to even touch the covers ... I'm embarrassed that I even just looked up Ms. Small on Google ... .

[nestra.livejournal.com]

Wow, I just reread Dragonsbane, and I was going to ask if the sequels were really as horrible as people said they were. Oh, dear.

[oyceter]

I suspect that they are worse, given that most of us maybe have erased them from memory! I try to pretend that they don't exist, because not only are they bad, they taint your memory of the original a little as well.

[yhlee.livejournal.com]

I am one of the few people in existence who doesn't think they were quite that dire, but they are fairly dire. You're much happier avoiding them. Trust me and trust oyceter and everyone else, and make up different sequels for yourself instead. :-]

[rachelmanija.livejournal.com]

YES. They are. I pretended so hard that they didn't exist that I had actually forgotten all about them until Oyce reminded me just now! And in addition to being bad, they are also awesomely depressing.

[coffeeandink.livejournal.com]

DO NOT READ THEM. I AM SAYING THIS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.

[juliansinger.livejournal.com]

Yes. I tell you as someone who read the first 3 books in the series back to back, and god, they are SAD THINGS.

[seaya.livejournal.com]

OMG. What's with all the female authors writing rapefic? Can we like somehow expel them from the gender? (Though I don't think I want them being men.)

[oyceter]

I know!

Though the sample is possibly skewed, since I read way more female authors than male ones.

Still. Rapists != romance novel heroes in my book!

[rachelmanija.livejournal.com]

Stine: Here, have an old review of mine of a much less cracktastic one! i have to say, the bread dough thing is kind of hilarious. http://greenmanreview.com/book/book_stine_dangerousgirls.html

Slammerkin: I still crack up when I think of how I flung it aside in horror at the sharpened-stick abortion and frozen friend... when little did I know that the author was just getting started!

[oyceter]

I am so tempted to find the bread dough one again, just because I don't think it's physically possible. Unless you were tied up for two days and your nose was plugged as well.

Slammerkin: OMG I am still traumatized by this book! I just... cleaver! The cleaver!

[marzipan-pig.livejournal.com]

Maybe we should try it out on each other, just to see if it works? Like how there was a guy who did waterboarding on himself in his basement to find out if it really WAS that awful (answer:yes), but, like, a parody version.

Totally off-topic

[rachelmanija.livejournal.com]

Hi! Are you Jeremy Black's friend? He's been telling me about you for years!

Re: Totally off-topic

[marzipan-pig.livejournal.com]

*blush*

Yes, yes I am. This is even better than when some girl I thought was cooler than me was like "YOU'RE JEREMY'S FRIEND, THE ONE HE TALKS ABOUT".

I mean, the same idea, except that you really ARE as cool as I thought she was!

You know, you're 'Jinian's friend with all the cool posts' :)

Re: Totally off-topic

[rachelmanija.livejournal.com]

This is my last reply on Oyce's LJ, but thanks for thinking I'm cool! I celebrate by using an icon in which I look cool, or at least boobalicious.

It still cracks me up that after ten years of hearing about each other via Jeremy, it turns out that we have ANOTHER mutual friend in common!

[oyceter]

Hee! I volunteer someone else!

[ladyjax.livejournal.com]

If you want Anne McCaffrey at her cracktastic best, you need to get a copy of
her short story anthology, "Get Off the Unicorn."

In there you will find the original story that was the basis of the Freedom series called "The Thorns of Barevi." Thing is, McCaffrey admits it's straight up interspecies porn in her intro to the story. When I read the first Freedom book, I remember thinking, "Hello, Thorns of Barevi, just without the sketchy alien sex up front." Some of the other stories are a bit disturbing to me now on some levels but back then I was deep in my post-Pern phase and gobbled up everything she had because DelRey was republishing a lot of her stuff, including the novel, "Restoree." "Restoree" has all kinds of problems with it but I'll look at home and see if I kept it and "Get Off the Unicorn."

[oyceter]

!!

You know, I completely forgot about the interspecies porn... (not every day I get to say this!)

[vito-excalibur.livejournal.com]

Oh god. I read Get Off The Unicorn when I was a very innocent 14-year-old. I think I'm still a little creeped out.

[jinian.livejournal.com]

My problem is that I wasn't creeped out. McCaffrey installed some buttons I'm not happy about having.

[vito-excalibur.livejournal.com]

Oh yeah, she was good at that. And that, also, is hell of creepy. :/

[heresluck]

Slammerkin absolutely baffled me. I enjoyed Stir-Fry and adored Hood, and then I read Slammerkin and was like "...honey, did you go off your meds or what?" I didn't quite realize how bad it was until very late in the book, because I was just so "???" that I kind of wasn't even processing.

[oyceter]

I know! I love Kissing the Witch and liked Life Mask a lot, and I kept reading this one in hopes that it would get better.

And the beginning seems bad, but it's really the ending that takes the cake!

[kchew.livejournal.com]

I really like Emma Donaghue, but I just couldn't finish Slammerkin because it was so obvious that it was All Going To End Badly. I tried, I really did. I even got as far as her moving to another town, but it was still going to be horrible, I knew it. And now that everyone's confirmed my suspicions, I don't have to feel guilty about not finishing it anymore.

And I just don't want to know Slammerkin ends; it all reminded me too much of Thomas Hardy's Mayor of Casterbridge, where the protagonist (can you call him that?!) just can't get a break because Hardy sez so. And everyone dies.

[oyceter]

ZOMG. It ends so badly! And it's not even authorial fiat on Mary not getting a break, since some of it is Mary just deciding on the absolute worst thing to do! I mean, I got the point about the limitations of her choices, but then again... cleaver!

[lady-ganesh.livejournal.com]

I hated Mayor of Casterbridge so much the only thing I can remember about it now is it had a horse in it. I think it was my only non-A book report in high school.

[keilexandra]

I want a Keix + Achaea = OTP icon. Except... Achaea's a text-based MUD. Which means no pretty pictures. *weep*

Oh, wait! Splash page! I had to reload the thing like three times because it's an auto-redirect, but success is mine. (Not asking you for an icon, because I can actually use Photoshop decently well and will get around to making such an icon someday. Thinking out loud in comments is helpful, though.)

[oyceter]

Oh cool, you MUD? (I don't, but several of my friends in high school did.)

[keilexandra]

Someone actually knows what a MUD is? *swoons* Yeah, an online acquaintance recced me to Achaea and I got addicted. XD I love the text-based environment and its natural emphasis on words, but the clinching factor is the other players. I love the politics (though they're immensely frustrating, too), the leadership and RP opportunities (like writing scholarly essays in a game, SO GEEKY :D), and the interaction.

[oyceter]

Yup! I definitely know! I had some friends who were very into it! I never was because I sort of suck at RPGs in general (I can never figure out where I am in a MUD because I have zero visualization skills, and if there's no goal, I wander around for a few minutes, kill a goblin, get bored and leave). But hey, cool ^_^. And yeah, my friends made some good online friends that way as well.

[keilexandra]

Visualization is definitely the most important asset in enjoying a MUD, since there are pretty much zero graphics to help you along. Facility at memorization (of map layouts) is helpful, too.

[marzipan-pig.livejournal.com]

Oh god. I kind of forgot what was going on when I was reading this and I was like 'but these sound so horrible, and her recs are usually really GOOD!'. Ah ha ha ha ha.

[oyceter]

HEE!!!! That is awesome!

[vito-excalibur.livejournal.com]

"And by the time I got to the cleaver, it was too late." *cracks up*

Oh, I actually liked Slammerkin. I mean, okay, not comfort reading, but I thought the clearly demarcated subtextual lesbianism was interesting. And all that stuff about the language of clothing. And the dreams and ambitions of a streetwalker. And so on.

[oyceter]

*nods* I like the clothing and the streetwalker bits, but it was just so unremittingly grim. And I don't mean a book about an 1800s London streetwalker is going to be all happy butterflies and unicorns, but ... cleaver! And it's watching Mary consistently make bad decisions -- not bad in terms of their effect on her life, because given her life, she has very limited decisions, but just the way pretty much all generosity of spirit in the book was punished.