(no subject)

[oyceter]

I spam LJ to make up for the past few days of not posting!

Wow. I thought that my rats just shredded food-smelling paper towels for fun. I have just observed them eating the paper towels. I repeat: my rats eat paper towels that smell like food. My rats can't figure out the different between paper towels that smell like food and actual food.

I think my rats have reached a new level of un-dignity. Uh, not that they had much ratty dignity to begin with anyway, given the shameless begging.

I really hope paper towels are digestible by rats!

And now for something completely different!

Taking belly dancing classes and watching some dancing performances has been absolutely awesome lately; dancing has always been something I've been interested but never had the opportunity or time to do or learn. All dancing. Line dancing, country dancing, square dancing, club dancing, ballroom dancing, swing dancing, anything where people move in rhythm to music. I used to like dances with steps more, just because I felt so awkward with myself that even though I wanted to move to music, I didn't know where to put all my flailing limbs or what to do with them.

I don't know what it is about moving with music, but it's fun. And I adore my belly dancing teacher, because she emphasizes things like having fun and says that belly dancing comes from celebration and joy. Not, er, that it has no other interpretation, but I do like that she emphasizes moving naturally and that you're not dancing if you're not looking silly, because dancing is silly, in the best of senses.

I also like that it makes me think about my body in a different way, because it makes me move in ways I'm not really used to! Same with the exercise videos I'm doing with fannishly (hip hop, belly dancing warm up, and er... Carmen Electra's Aerobic Striptease. Uh. Yes. It's fun! I swear! And non-strippy!). And while the third one is about sex, ostensibly, it's also about feeling confident and attractive enough to do the moves, which isn't about sex, about feeling in control of one's body. Of course, this is just me, and I get where there is the very grey area of arguments saying that women expressing sexuality is in no way influenced by the sexualization of the female body in the media. Because I do think that media and pop culture and all that play a part, especially when one is watching Carmen Electra ;). But on the other hand, I can't let myself believe that all forms and expressions of sexuality are owned by something that isn't me, because then, what do I have left? I refuse to be an asexual being, because that's just the flip side of the madonna/whore complex.

I mean, I should be able to feel sexy just for myself, in a Hawaiian shirt and flip-flops or in a low-cut lacy top, no matter what weight I am.

Anyhow, back to dancing, which makes me feel sexy and aggressive and graceful and athletic and energetic and good about my body and what it can do. And it's so cool learning different ways of dancing, because they're all so different and yet similar, and each one is something else that I can learn to do. I like that.

I used to be so uncomfortable dancing without steps (we shall just call this club dancing, for short), because I felt like I looked stupid and I didn't know how to move or anything. I did it more and more in college, thanks to the eating clubs and DJ nights, and lo and behold, it became something that I really loved. I still felt stupid about half the time, but it was getting better! Now I don't even have to be slightly tipsy to just get out and dance, which is really cool. Of course, for all I know, I could still look stupid, but you know, I like moving around and it's fun, damnit.

Uh, I also jump up and down and fling my arms around in the air at home and look like a total dork (it was my "I am getting off work before sunset!!" dance of excitement after nine weeks of investment banking and going home at 2 am and finally switching to private client).

On the flip side, (I now do the previously unthinkable and confess my weight publically) I completely freaked out when I found out I weighed 136, which is more than I can ever remember weighing. I am trying very hard these days not to do the occasional freak out or count calories or anything and to just eat. I am, however, trying to limit what I eat. I'm rather worried that this will lead to a dieting mentality, which would be bad. Mostly I'm just trying not to eat because I feel sad or lonely or bored, because then I end up feeling way too full, which is not pleasant. However, all bets are off if there is chocolate souffle cake or funnel cake or such things in reach. Feeling not too full is good, but really good food is better. So right now I'm mostly just grazing about and not really eating set meals after lunch, because I seem to like munching on things constantly, so eating full meals just makes me feel too stuffed and then hungry again later.

fannishly always says I am quite in tune with my body... I'm not so sure about that, but it is rather vocal about some things, like wanting chocolate or heavy, creamy foods at certain times, and only wanting fruits and veggies and some starch at others. I think right now I'm eating heavier things mostly out of habit, because the second I eat them, I don't feel like actually finishing them. I'm just so used to craving them that I sort of do it automatically. Fruit and veggies, on the other hand, I get really, really bad cravings for, especially after too much heavy food. When I was still dating the boy, his family would always have to stock up on a few juice drinks and fruit and veggies just for me to munch on, because after a few hours, the appetizer spread of cheeses and smoked salmon and chocolate and the like was too much for me.

Of course, having the farmer's market nearby just intensifies said cravings!

Also, constantly grazing means that the perfect restaurant for me would be one where they served a billion bite-sized portions of different things. Mmmm.

Actually, I once went to a Brazilian restaurant in HK (random!) that did something like that, and it was of the good.

And now, I am being totally random, so I shall go to bed.