In which I am exceedingly sappy

[oyceter]

Because I am feeling all big-thought-have-y today.

(Hee, I mock how much the Buffyverse has influenced my speech patterns.)

Now that I am well (er, more accurately, better and on the path to being well I think), mentally, I've been sort of thinking about what I want to get out of life. Whoa, yes, ginormous topic indeed! Part of it I guess has been fueled by job satisfaction (ironic), part from being happy about what I have and part from gratefulness of how things have been going lately and from a desire to do something to pass along the good fortune, because I often feel like I don't deserve it. And who is to say that someone deserves something or not, because part of me thinks that everyone deserves health and happiness and well-being. And when I say that, I mean not that they can do anything to get it, but that I wish it for them. The other part of me thinks that I don't deserve it, because I haven't done anything or worked particularly hard or anything. But you know, since I am in a fairly good place right now, I feel it should be passed on, just because I have a renewed appreciation of just how hard it is to get to this kind of place.

And a lot of it is having had my life crumple in front of my eyes in a mere two years and now being at a place to rebuild and reconnect.

So, some things I want out of life (warning, this is really sappy):

1. I want to know things. I like knowledge, I like having puzzle pieces that fit together (metaphorically and literally), I like the thrill of knowing and of figuring things out. I am not particularly creative, by which I mean I don't really feel the urge to create original things, but I do like piecing things together. I don't have the urge to actually share this with people, heh, mostly because I feel like it is bragging or showing off or that I don't know enough, but I enjoy the knowing. This is why I wouldn't make a good teacher, alas.


2. I want to be useful and competent. I am a little wary of this, because I know how much my own experiences with depression stemmed from feeling completely useless and incompetent and stupid, but I want to be good at my job and good at what I do. Maybe I should modify this to: I want to be useful and competent at certain things, but I also want to be able to relax enough to not feel like I must be useful and competent and everything, because that way lies madness!


3. I want to be liked by people for who I am, not for how intelligent (or unintelligent) I am, not for what I look like, but for that indefinable substance known as "me." And I want to be the kind of person who inspires like, because I have a few people like that around, and it's always fun to talk to them, because I feel like they bring out the best in people, and I would like to know how to do that too.


4. I want to be healthy, mentally and physically and spiritually, and I want to stay healthy. I want to be good to my body, but not to the point of denial, because hey, I like food, and life is short. Haha, this is going to mean I have to exercise, bleh. Maybe dancing is better! I want to have a job that makes me feel challenged but happy and not overwhelmed, I want to have lots of intellectual stimulation and have many, many books at my disposal.


5. I want to stay connected with people, because I have found, to my great surprise, that I like people. Before, I think it was a more intellectual like, a liking of different points of view and of different things, but now that I have gotten a chance to talk to a few more people, I like the thought that everyone has this vast world inside of them, that everyone is special and unique, and I want to somehow communicate that to people, because for some reason, I think it makes people easier to talk to. And I want to remember that I do think this when I am grumpy and feeling out of sorts and extremely antisocial, or when I have come across a particularly nasty breed of person, because remembering that they may be having a really bad day or something makes me feel less angry, and less anger in me is generally a good thing.


6. I want to do something to be helpful to people, be it at work or at home, because that role makes me feel most comfortable, for some reason. I am rather surprised at this as well, because I feel I am very often selfish and spoiled. But I've found that I really do enjoy helping people in my current job, which is a bit of a support role (not so much as customer service, which is scary), and I like feeling that people are comfortable calling me up and I like feeling that I am helping them do what they are doing. Again, this ties in a lot with wanting to feel useful and competent, so I also want to try to remember that if I am crabby or in a bad mood or in a bad headspace or tired, I can't help people, so I have to remember to take care of me too.


7. I want to be strong, because I like being strong and I like being self-reliant, because I like feeling competent and on top of things. And when I feel strong, I feel like depending on people and making my needs known is not being not-strong, because hey, life, these things happen.


8. I want to stick with my budget, because it ironically makes me worry less about money. I like it because I know just how much I can spend, and because it makes me feel much less guilty when I do binge on something, especially after I've saved for it. It makes me feel like I am in control, rather than feeling helpless and lost.


9. I want to talk to my family more as people, instead of as a fellow family member, because sometimes I feel like we don't say enough and because it makes me more forgiving of different things.


10. I want to be a part of a community, because I grew up in one and enjoyed it. I know that communities can be stifling sometimes, but I like that feeling of belonging (as long as you're not changing yourself for the sole purpose of belonging). I like being a part of a place, I like having an influence on things, no matter how small, and I like how communities do that. I like that LJ bleeds to RL and work bleeds to RL (although it is scary too). I like the familiar and the tactile very much.


11. I want to be me, fully, but a me who is kinder. I don't really show it that much on LJ, but I have a horrible temper and I am extremely stubborn, and I wish I were more like my LJ or work persona. Just from dealing with people and work and the like, I feel like kindness is a good thing. And by that, I don't mean letting people walk all over you, because you have to be kind to yourself before you can be kind to others, or else everything just sort of erupts and is very ugly, but I mean by trying to have a kinder view of people, trying not to be so judgmental, trying to realize that everyone, like me, is trying to get through life day by day. Sometimes I am wary of thinking of everyone as being people like me, because I don't want to invalidate personal experiences and such, but another part of me thinks that people are people, that environment shapes us all but that in general, I feel that people do try to do good. Sometimes they don't know how, or they don't agree on how, which is where a lot of problems start, and a lot of times they are thinking on a not-so-large scale (ergo national issues and the like), but I do think that people on a whole try to do good. I am actually not sure if that's true or not, but thinking that makes me happier, so I shall go on and be Pollyanna-ish ;).


12. Of course, I have to remember all the above when I really, strongly disagree with someone and think that they are wrong, because I also have the tendency to bulldoze people.


13. I want to be optimistic, because I like being optimistic and because it makes me happy. I figure, the world is still the same world, whether you're looking at it through rose-colored glasses or not, and I happen to be particularly fond of my glasses.


14. I want to be around other happy people, because, er, it's happy. And so, I shall selfishly try to drag everyone around me into happiness, although usually that tends to manifest itself as making really bad jokes at inappropriate times. But honestly, I want people to feel comfortable around me, mostly because I haven't felt very comfortable about myself in the past, though this is again very difficult when I am with people who are anti-feminist or who don't believe racism exists or the like, because wow, hot button topics for me.


15. I want to travel to more places and eat more food. I want to try strange and different things! I felt uncomfortable doing this for a while. I think it was because I was drifting and that I didn't have a sense of belonging anywhere, but I feel like I have more roots where I am now, I feel like I have more connections and a more stable sense of identity and self, so I feel freer to go off and do things and see things! Though I always love coming home, because I am very much a homebody.


16. I want to meet more people from LJ, because you have all been really, incredibly cool, and because you've all changed my life in some way. I've read more broadly and deeply, I've gotten to know more sides of the world, I've gotten to learn about all sorts of things that I normally wouldn't know about (be it knitting or music or perfume or math or flowers or anything people are interested in) and I love that. As I said, I like knowing things. And I keep saying this, but knowing that other people have gone through much more hard times than me, that I wasn't alone during depression, that helped so incredibly much that I couldn't say.


17. I want to remember that these big things in life are all well and good, but honestly, if I don't stop and smell the flowers (metaphorically and literally, allergies be damned), I will wither up and be a very unhappy me. This means that LJ is a priority, that rat-playing time and good food and books and time in the sun on the grass in the park is all a priority. Haha. I went to some thing a few weeks ago on managing time, and I think my priorities are very different from other people's. Lalala. I am very hedonistic, and I insist on enjoying my life.


18. I want to be confident enough with myself that I don't feel weird telling people that I go to cons or make friends on LJ or name my stuffed animals or the assorted other strange things that I do (there are many of them). I hate feeling like I am being stuffed in a mold (which I felt like very much while I was depressed), and I must remember that there isn't one certain way to be that will make people like you or accept you. Must remember from personal experience that enough confidence and security in yourself means that other people can somehow tell and not question that, it lends a certain panache to everything. Or at least that is what I shall tell myself when I go traipsing out in my fun pink fifties dress!


19. I want to also remember that being confident is good, but not if it means I do not listen to other people, because what is best for me is not necessarily what is best for people who are not-me (amazingly, there are many of those.. who woulda thunk?).


20. I want to be someone who makes people's lives better by being in it, not someone who makes things worse. I think there are enough things out there making things worse, no need to contribute. And yeah, I do think niceness and kindness are virtues, that they don't mean weakness if you're nice and kind because you are sure enough of yourself to not have to be mean. And no, niceness doesn't mean spinelessness, because you can still stick to your guns and be polite about it. Well, obviously there are circumstances in which it probably cannot be done, but I guess I tend to feel better about myself when I am polite.


21. And somehow I want to do all this while having my own nice life and possibly a successful career (I haven't decided if I want that or not), including enough time for all the things I want to do and learn and eat and read. Hee, maybe I should do that time management thing after all!

And no, all this doesn't mean I am a good person or whatnot, because wow, I am very far from being there, but I figure it is worth writing it down so I can go back and reread when I am feeling grumpy and decidedly out of sorts with the world.

Comments

[mamculuna.livejournal.com]

Such thoughtful, hopeful goals. They inspire me to think about my own. But I have to say, at least your LJ persona seems to have realized some of them, at least in terms of connection and knowledge and kindness.

[ann1962]

I am putting this in my memories because it is one of the best posts I have ever read. Thank you. Oh, and it isn't sappy ;-) People should be able to have hopeful optimistic goals without fearing the sappy.

[minnow1212.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

This post makes me very happy, for you that you are thinking this way and for me that I know you. :)

[wisewoman.livejournal.com]

As ann1962 says, this is one of the best posts that has ever appeared on my flist, or on lj, anywhere. Definitely going into my memories. I only wish I'd thought to have stated my goals so clearly when I was your age (or that I'd even had them!).

Hugs,
dub ;o)

[hermionesviolin.livejournal.com]

I think doing up a thoughtful list of what you want out of life is a really good idea, and you clearly thought about these and are being realistic and true to yourself and aware of limitations and pushing yourself and all sorts of good balance things.

[midnightsjane.livejournal.com]

What a wonderful list of goals you have set out! Not one of those goals is far-fetched or out of your reach, and I'm sure it will be a life long journey of discovery for you. I wish I had had such a clear insight into myself at your age. It's actually taken me well into middle age to learn many of those things, and I'm still working on them. Don't be discouraged if some of your goals are more elusive than others: at least you have them as sign posts for your travels through life.
I'm glad you are on my flist!

[chi-zu.livejournal.com]

I think things that are sappy become so because there's a certain truth there. Embrace the sappiness! These are wonderful goals! And you've articulated them so well, you've brought to the forefront things I strive for but in a vague, shapeless, unnamed way. Thank you.

[kythiaranos.livejournal.com]

I think these are really terrific goals, actually. You've articulated a lot of things I've been thinking about lately.

[cychi.livejournal.com]

They sound beautiful =)

Remember to take your time. You want to be these things, and changing yourself takes a while. ^_^

yay!

[(Anonymous)]

hi sweetie! i'm glad that you are getting your life back on track. =) those are some wonderful goals, and i'm happy for you. *hugs* makes me want to make a list, too!

(anlee)

[thinkum]

WOW.

That was far from sappy -- that was wisdom that's going directly into my Memories file.