oyceter. Snow White and the Huntsman (2012) (Reply)

This is why I should not go into movies with the expectation that I might like them.

Spoilers. Kind of. It's hard to tell.

The good:

The movie is very pretty, and I want every single one of Ravenna's dresses.

They attempt to make the point that beauty is within, and that judging women by physical standards of beauty sucks.

Snow White doesn't get married in the ending and instead steps up as queen.

Kristen Stewart gets to wear practical armor.

That is about all I can think of for now.

The bad:

Without even going into fairy tale revisions and feminism and evil queens and Snow White as one of the more passive fairy tale princesses, the movie makes no sense. It reads as though there were one script long ago shipping Snow White and the Huntsman, but then they decided they had to keep the prince in there and give him some backstory with Snow White. And by the way, make him a cool archer so he can compete with the Huntsman. Also, random apple in the backstory. And maybe it will look like Snow White will journey around the kingdom to rally support. Except wait, no, she can kind of magically bond with animals. Maybe. Or talk to birds? Or maybe that's the fairies in the birds. Hey, while we're at it, let's put in some Princess Mononoke. And LotR, because that's always good. And Snow White is the bestest because she has a good heart! Wait no, it's because she's the embodiment of all of the land and Communes with Nature (TM)! Wait no, it's because she's a great war leader despite having no training! Wait no, go back to the heart!

I really could have done without not one, but two people kissing a corpse on the lips.

I especially could have done without the kiss in which the kisser drunkenly compares her to his dead wife.

Also, if the movie wanted us to ship Thor/Snow White, they could have used less dead wife and more interaction. And if they wanted us to ship William/Snow White... why the kiss? It was also confusing because they deliberately seemed to be toning down any sort of Thor/Snow White shippiness and ramping up Prince/Snow White, and then somehow forgot to do something with the kiss.

Random molestation and rape mentions!

Guy is evil because he is scarred and has a bad haircut!

Dwarves are supposedly charming and win over the audience by dancing with Snow White. Which would be boring but fine were it not for his randomly sticking his face in her breasts while she looks slightly awkward. Nevertheless, it is still a Tragic Moment when he dies.

As mentioned, the movie attempts to separate physical beauty from goodness, then proceeds to make the dwarves comic relief, the scarred albino brother evil, the one black guy a menacing henchman, and shows Ravenna's deterioration as related to her consumption of evil power and ties it to how terrible it is for women to age.

That little flashback attempting to make Ravenna sympathetic might have worked better if there had been more scenes about how Ravenna needs the purity of Snow White's heart and Snow White not hating Ravenna and moments in which Ravenna is slightly more sympathetic and less scene chewing.

Seriously, what was with the fairies?!

Snow White in armor might have been cool if, you know, the movie had built up toward something like Snow White learning to fight, Snow White recruiting people to her cause, Snow White inspiring people by doing instead of by being a magical girl of goodness. Or if she'd gotten more than a handful of lines before her Rousing Speech.

There's probably a lot more bad, but I can't even.

The worst part is, I can make this into several cool movies and even several mediocre ones in my head.

Snow White escapes the castle and is a bit feral because she has been locked up since she was a small girl. The Huntsman teaches her how to fight in the woods, and she hones her desire to bring down the evil queen. Cue army, armor, rousing speech, LotR-esque big battle. This is what I would have liked to see.

Ravenna gets more backstory about how she was once like Snow White, but made beautiful due to the ravages of the patriarchy. She needs Snow White's pure heart to cement her power or regain her youth, though secretly she wants it because it is pure. Snow White oddly does not hate the woman who has imprisoned her for years and offers up her heart in a different way. I could have watched this too!

Snow White is the pure embodiment of the land and heals people and restores the land to its prior state by traveling around, and eventually wields this power to defeat Ravenna. I probably would not have liked this, but at least it would have made sense.

A very traditional but grimdark retelling of the Disney version, in which Snow White doesn't keep house for the dwarves, but everyone is grungy and unwashed. There is no huntsman, except in small bits, and mostly it is about Snow White and William finding each other again, with a touching True Love's Kiss making everything all better. I probably would not have liked this either, but at least it would have made sense.

So yeah. That was a movie. It had some great eye candy, I liked the clothes, and there were bits that could have been something, but the plot and pacing made even less sense than your standard Hollywood action flick.