(no subject)

[oyceter]

I've been feeling kind of odd lately, like I'm very detached and only watching myself live my life, if that makes any sense. Also been thinking rather morbid thoughts about mortality (are those by nature morbid?), which has always scared me. This is one thing I envy about people with a religion. I don't know. I used to have these kind of moods back in middle school, but I thought I had grown out of them or something. I think I'm too cerebral, and the thought of losing the ability to think, of losing whatever makes me "me" scares me like nothing else. I think it's also been in my head more because of my friend's accident earlier, the death of my grandmother last year, and other things like that.

I don't really like feeling this way.. makes life strange and not my life, as in I don't enjoy things as much, don't feel like I'm in the moment because there's some strange part of my brain commenting on how this moment will pass and never come back, and the next, and the next, etc.

The good thing is having the boy around at times like this, because if I were by myself in my apartment at night, I would seriously get freaked out. I like that comforting presence of having someone else in the room who is living and breathing (and not a hamster)... I missed that desperatley freshman year in college, when I had a single. I quickly decided that I should probably never have a single again. Despite being completely antisocial and unable to deal with people (which makes me a bad coordinator in the bookstore), if I'm along by myself for too long, I go batty (and depressed). Happened freshman year, in Hong Kong last summer, and this summer waiting for the boy to move here.

And now for something completely different:

3 things which revolt me: juice from vegetables (ala V8 or carrot juice), nasty customers, stupid people who say they are for equal rights but aren't the anti-discrimination people too PC?
3 things which I don't understand: higher math, why the universe works, my mind
3 things I'd like to learn: Korean, Italian, French. Ok, really: how to drive stick, Korean, how to talk to people
3 things I am wearing right now: underwear, socks, nightgown
3 things on my desk: picture of my high school class, half-empty cup of cider (half full?), TTT EE
3 things I want to do before I die: move back to Taiwan, speak better Chinese, read all the books that will eventually end up on my list
3 good things about my personality: practical (sometimes), polite (until familiar with people), idealistic
3 bad things about my personality: perfectionist/anal, easily depressed, selfish
3 parts of my heritage: um. Cantonese, Zhejiang-ese, Fujian-ese?
3 things I like about my body: my mouth, my ears, my shoulders
3 things I don't like about my body: er. Most things below the neck. Tummy, legs, butt.
3 things most people don't know about me:
- I'm about as anti-romantic as you can get while still reading romances.
- My first name is not [Oyce's name].
- I don't shave.
3 things I say the most:: (verb) like mad, truly it is so, skeevy
3 places I want to go: Tokyo (again), Nice, Dublin
3 names that I go by: [Oyce's name], girl, [Oyce's sister's name]'s sister
3 screen names I use or have used: Oyceter, Lt. Noin, Amberle

Comments

[angeyja.livejournal.com]

[[hugs]]

You're not alone in thinking about these things, if that helps at all. It's been a major motivator in my starting to reconnect, beginning in 2001, even if that's virtually, and wanting to live more fully, be more present, in whatever time I'm granted.

PS I finally mailed your box and the Froud cards yesterday. You can expect them in a bout a week. And again, many many thanks for the loan, and also for all the good conversation since I met you last spring. As some one said to me recently, we all have more challenging stretches, and friends aren't just friends for the good parts. Like you, Oyce. :hug:

[oyceter]

*hugs* Well, I for one am extremely glad you decided to reconnect! Looking forward to the Froud cards, and glad you've enjoyed them and LJ. *hugs* Especially glad I've found so many people here like you.