Another update
Mon, Aug. 18th, 2003 12:26 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
oyceterMy sister is now here living with me for a few days, and my dad has gone back home. Rather odd day today -- had to go to some business lunch thing at one of my dad's business associate people's house. The house was enormous and the person was obviously quite rich. But they fed me lots of good cheese. One must take advantage of these things. And unfortunately, the cheese made its merry way outside to where my dad and three business people were talking, and eventually the host decided to play Grill-the-Oyce about jobs. And I do mean grill. Most people let off a little after my standard I don't know what I want to do. Nope, still looking, thankyouverymuch. This guy was all, so ideally, what would you like to do? I said I didn't know because one does not exactly go around telling everyone a silly back of the mind idea to run a sci-fi/fantasy bookstore. But he just kept going at it so it eventually came out. Silence round the tech business people for a little. I swear, you could see all their heads going, "A bookstore? Why in god's name?! No money! No prospects!" Then the guy would still not let up. So what would you like to do before that? I said I didn't know, thinking, will you please get out of my face. And it just went on like that forever. Felt rather like bursting into tears afterward because this is still a very touchy subject with me. Plus, I always just feel very worthless and stupid and useless when this comes up. Luckily then the barbeque was done and I got to stuff my face with more good free food.
At least there were some interesting ideas popping up, because seriously, I am clueless about how to get my own bookstore besides working at a bookstore. The guy said that there is actually a degree of library science that all librarians need. This sounds promising. He was quite eager to get me a job because he used to be poor and was grateful to everyone who gave him a chance to work. And while I feel that is quite admirable, it still feels rather weird, the whole networking thing, favors and etc. I don't quite like it. Another business guy there said his company was getting some online business library. That also sounded kind of interesting as a temp job. Hrm. I dunno. Will definitely be looking into library science though. Also found out that my dad has taken a hands off policy about me and my employment prospects thanks to the Hong Kong ibanking fiasco, which he got me. This is a very good thing, as now I feel although I will have everyone else on my back asking what I am going to do, at least my parents are backing off about the whole finance thing. I guess after maybe 8 years of insisting I do liberal arts and generally non-practical things have finally rubbed in and they have finally realized that there is really no way I will be happy being an engineer or a big business person or in finance or even in a giant company. I still remember the screaming fights I had with my mom insisting that I did not want to take AP Physics in lieu of AP US History, thankyouverymuch because I had taken physics already, and hey, me, not an engineer. My dad during dinner was actually telling the aunties that he thought the library suggestion was probably pretty good and capitalized on some of the skills I do have. Implicit dad approval is pretty hard to get in my life when it comes to career choices.
I think it's kind of funny that I aspire to be a librarian. Or bookseller. Or something of the sort. The boy used to make fun of me because I "aspired" to own a Toyota Prius. Mostly I aspire to have a small, happy life in which I read many good books and talk about them on my LJ and to other people, I contribute something to the community, grow my little roses, learn how to cook because I like to eat, and be a happy girl. I don't really want to be filthy rich or to have a ginormous house with designer furniture or anything. Ok, I lie, because I kind of do, like I kind of want designer clothes and shoes and the money to eat in good restaurants and to be able to jet around if I want. But I'm generally pretty satisfied with my little apartment here as long as I have something to do. Plus, I don't get along much with the people with a lot money because all the ones I have are these business people with business people minds. Back in high school I used to think my personal enemies were engineers because lots of the guys in my class who wanted to be engineers all sneered at liberal arts and at English and literary analysis and all those things I love to do. But now I tend to think that engineers are sometimes just the opposite end of the scale. Not quite, because the real parallel with humanities majors are the really theoretical scientists whereas engineers are still practical. But then I ran headon into the business world and found I hatehatehate the pragmatism of all of them, how I find that so many people I met at Merrill were too -- I don't know, money oriented? Almost as though they would look at people and see dollar signs and how to make things profitable and synergy things and god knows what other horrible jargon they stick in. And I am mostly anti all of that. As I have said quite often, I was really not made to live in this world. The boy wonders how I can be so idealistic and pessimistic at the same time. I finally realized this summer that it's because I'm idealistic that I'm pessimistic. The world too often doesn't live up to my ideal of it, and that depresses me beyond all imagining, and then I kind of give up because I figure how is someone like me supposed to live in a place like this when nothing works the way it should?
Oh well. Tomorrow, more fun with the sister!
At least there were some interesting ideas popping up, because seriously, I am clueless about how to get my own bookstore besides working at a bookstore. The guy said that there is actually a degree of library science that all librarians need. This sounds promising. He was quite eager to get me a job because he used to be poor and was grateful to everyone who gave him a chance to work. And while I feel that is quite admirable, it still feels rather weird, the whole networking thing, favors and etc. I don't quite like it. Another business guy there said his company was getting some online business library. That also sounded kind of interesting as a temp job. Hrm. I dunno. Will definitely be looking into library science though. Also found out that my dad has taken a hands off policy about me and my employment prospects thanks to the Hong Kong ibanking fiasco, which he got me. This is a very good thing, as now I feel although I will have everyone else on my back asking what I am going to do, at least my parents are backing off about the whole finance thing. I guess after maybe 8 years of insisting I do liberal arts and generally non-practical things have finally rubbed in and they have finally realized that there is really no way I will be happy being an engineer or a big business person or in finance or even in a giant company. I still remember the screaming fights I had with my mom insisting that I did not want to take AP Physics in lieu of AP US History, thankyouverymuch because I had taken physics already, and hey, me, not an engineer. My dad during dinner was actually telling the aunties that he thought the library suggestion was probably pretty good and capitalized on some of the skills I do have. Implicit dad approval is pretty hard to get in my life when it comes to career choices.
I think it's kind of funny that I aspire to be a librarian. Or bookseller. Or something of the sort. The boy used to make fun of me because I "aspired" to own a Toyota Prius. Mostly I aspire to have a small, happy life in which I read many good books and talk about them on my LJ and to other people, I contribute something to the community, grow my little roses, learn how to cook because I like to eat, and be a happy girl. I don't really want to be filthy rich or to have a ginormous house with designer furniture or anything. Ok, I lie, because I kind of do, like I kind of want designer clothes and shoes and the money to eat in good restaurants and to be able to jet around if I want. But I'm generally pretty satisfied with my little apartment here as long as I have something to do. Plus, I don't get along much with the people with a lot money because all the ones I have are these business people with business people minds. Back in high school I used to think my personal enemies were engineers because lots of the guys in my class who wanted to be engineers all sneered at liberal arts and at English and literary analysis and all those things I love to do. But now I tend to think that engineers are sometimes just the opposite end of the scale. Not quite, because the real parallel with humanities majors are the really theoretical scientists whereas engineers are still practical. But then I ran headon into the business world and found I hatehatehate the pragmatism of all of them, how I find that so many people I met at Merrill were too -- I don't know, money oriented? Almost as though they would look at people and see dollar signs and how to make things profitable and synergy things and god knows what other horrible jargon they stick in. And I am mostly anti all of that. As I have said quite often, I was really not made to live in this world. The boy wonders how I can be so idealistic and pessimistic at the same time. I finally realized this summer that it's because I'm idealistic that I'm pessimistic. The world too often doesn't live up to my ideal of it, and that depresses me beyond all imagining, and then I kind of give up because I figure how is someone like me supposed to live in a place like this when nothing works the way it should?
Oh well. Tomorrow, more fun with the sister!
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(no subject)
Mon, Aug. 18th, 2003 07:45 am (UTC)And I am THERE with you on the "god, I don't know what I want to do, stop asking me" front. I hide from meeting new people these days, in fact. *g*
.m
(no subject)
Mon, Aug. 18th, 2003 08:08 am (UTC)*hugs* Glad to know I have compatriots with the aimless and clueless bit ;). We should form a club. The slogan could be "if you ask me one more time I will implant my foot in your face."