(no subject)

I've been feeling kind of odd lately, like I'm very detached and only watching myself live my life, if that makes any sense. Also been thinking rather morbid thoughts about mortality (are those by nature morbid?), which has always scared me. This is one thing I envy about people with a religion. I don't know. I used to have these kind of moods back in middle school, but I thought I had grown out of them or something. I think I'm too cerebral, and the thought of losing the ability to think, of losing whatever makes me "me" scares me like nothing else. I think it's also been in my head more because of my friend's accident earlier, the death of my grandmother last year, and other things like that.

I don't really like feeling this way.. makes life strange and not my life, as in I don't enjoy things as much, don't feel like I'm in the moment because there's some strange part of my brain commenting on how this moment will pass and never come back, and the next, and the next, etc.

The good thing is having the boy around at times like this, because if I were by myself in my apartment at night, I would seriously get freaked out. I like that comforting presence of having someone else in the room who is living and breathing (and not a hamster)... I missed that desperatley freshman year in college, when I had a single. I quickly decided that I should probably never have a single again. Despite being completely antisocial and unable to deal with people (which makes me a bad coordinator in the bookstore), if I'm along by myself for too long, I go batty (and depressed). Happened freshman year, in Hong Kong last summer, and this summer waiting for the boy to move here.

And now for something completely different:

( Three things meme )

Christmas!

Oooo, I need a Christmas icon. The boy and I went out and got a tree today, which was a rather novel experience for me. I've never had a real tree before.

Aside: at the tree lot, I was looking at trees when a loud crash split the air... turns out a Saab had rear ended an Audi and the Saab's front was basically totalled. Pretty scary. I don't think the girl inside was hurt, although she looked pretty scared when she got out of the car. I've never seen an accident like that happen before, so it was kind of scary. The more reassuring bit was the Audi didn't even look scratched, despite the very poor condition of the Saab. I think the next time I need to get a new car, I'm going to get something German and expensive.

Anyway. My tree is five and a half feet. It's very cute and bushy. It's a noble or something, which the boy reassures me is a Better Tree. It was also expensive! Well, I don't really know how much they normally cost. And it's real! It's so weird! It's got needles growing on the trunk... I didn't know they did that, and it smells all piney. And I don't have to take it out of the basement. We tied it to the top of the car, which was also weird. Wow. I have a real tree. This is going to be my first Christmas in the States! Well, that's not really true... we had Christmas here when I was a kid in Colorado, but that was with my family. So while we did the Christmas thing, it wasn't quite as big, I suspect. Plus, it kind of died down in Taiwan. The boy's family is very big on these holiday things and his mom does things like make wreaths and stuff. Wow.

Now I'm wondering... is having live trees every year environmentally sound? I mean, I can't tell.. for one, it cuts down tons of trees. But also, it's probably one of the few industries here that actually goes around planting trees. I went online, but most of the info is from the Tree Growers Association or something, so I think they might be biased.

Hee! I have a tree!