Rules for Romance Novel Heroines

[oyceter]

As usual, I mock because I love. Well, actually, I only partially mock because I love. The other part mocks because I want to love, but I am angry and constantly irked about gender role stereotypes in romance novels and even more irritated that many romances that step out of said stereotypes end up being lambasted as "unromantic."

General:

• You are beautiful beyond reckoning, even if you think you are ugly. If you are short, you are "petite and perfectly formed."


• You are slender or voluptuous, but never fat


• You must never be taller than the hero


• You must be younger than the hero


• You must be spirited, but never so spirited so that you can actually rescue yourself


• You must be PC, no matter what kind of background you come from
  
  • If you are not PC, fear not, you will be by the end of the book
  
  


• You will be loved by all people designated as "Good" in the book
  
  • If you start out disliked by "good" people in the book, it is because of past actions that you either regret whole-heartedly or did because of extenuating circumstances. Said "good" people will realize this and forgive you later on.
  
  
  • If they don't like you by the end of the book, they are Evil
  
  Please note that the hero may remain mysterious and dangerous, but you may not under any circumstance.


• You may be as fashionably and tomboyish-ly "unfeminine" as you want, as long as you always want to have sex with the hero (but no one else) and as long as you want children


• You must always succumb to your emotions, even if you are usually a hard-headed professional
  
  • As such, you will always be less professional than the hero, no matter what your respective backgrounds are
  
  


• You must always fall in love first


• You must forgive the hero anything, especially if he has a traumatized past


• If you are so unlucky as to have a traumatized past, it will only make you so much saintlier and more daintily troubled
  
  • As such, you are allowed to be a bit of a spitfire, as long as you are not genuinely nasty and as long as you have a heart of gold under the easily scratched exterior
  
  
  • You must never think that said trauma allows you to have random sex, even though it pardons the hero's exploits
  
  


• You must be instantly sexually attracted to the hero, even if you despise him and everything he stands for. This instant sexual attraction is the best way to tell that he is the love of your life.


• You must deny said instant sexual attraction. Acceptable reasons are (feel free to mix and match):
  
  • You are shy and virginal
  
  
  • You are afraid of sex
  
  
  • You mistrust your "baser instincts"
  
  
  • You were raped
  
  
  • Your heart was broken by a former lover, so you are now afraid of sex instead of love
  
  
  • You are afraid of intimacy
  
  
  • You are morally opposed to sleeping with the hero
  
  
  • You think you are in love with someone else
  
  
  • You don't want children
  
  
  • You think you hate men
  
  
  • All of the above
  
  Please note that while most of these reasons will make a romance hero more prone to having sex with anything that moves, as a romance heroine, you must never want to have sex with anyone who is not the hero.
  


• You must be more sexually inexperienced than the hero
  
  • If you are not, you still must never take the lead in sex
  
  


• Despite your relative sexual inexperience, you must always orgasm whenever the hero touches you


• You must always discover your sexuality for the first time under the hero's manly control. Furthermore, you must be pushed to the point of near-rape by the hero to be a sexual creature because you must never admit to your own desires


• You must always relinquish control when aroused, because said arousal befuddles your brain so much that you lose anything resembling rational thought


• You must always have the best sex of your life with the hero, regardless of the circumstances

If you star in a historical:

• You must be a virgin
  
  • If you are not a virgin, you must be a widow. As a widow, your dead husband never loved you. If he did, it was a lukewarm type of love. Regardless, sex with the dead husband was never as good as sex with the hero.
  
  


• You must be anachronistically enlightened for your time, enough to help out poor servants, but never enough to question the fundamental structure of your society


• You must be a non-peasant


• You must dress in fantastically beautiful clothes that have many layers but are somehow easily undone by the hero when necessary


• You must know nothing about how your body works, particularly when it comes to sex


• You will somehow be exempt from things like bad personal hygiene, fleas and ticks, and oily, greasy hair


• You must always want hordes of children, despite the dangers of childbirth

If you star in a contemporary:

• You must be employed in a glamorous profession, or else a charmingly bohemian one
  
  
  
  • If not, you are genteel-y poor
  
  
  • Regardless, you will always somehow manage to live a lifestyle outside your means
  
  


• If you attempt a new profession, you will succeed beyond your wildest dreams, despite all odds being against you


• You will not have to worry about paltry things such as bills, insurance or unemployment


• You must have the secret ability to perfectly balance a love life, children, and a career


• If you have children, they will never interrupt mid-coitus


• If you have children, they will be obnoxiously cute and never a disappointment

If you star in a trilogy:

• You must have two other friends or sisters, of approximately the same age, so that they can be matched up with the loves of their lives


• The three of you must have different hair colors. A good fallback is one blonde, one brunette/black-haired person (is there a term for that?), and one redhead. This is the case even if the three of you are sisters and your parents both have black hair.
  
  • A further note is that it is extremely unlikely that both your parents have black hair, as you and your hero may never have the same hair color (this is a general rule).
  
  


• The three of you must be substantially different, personality-, interest- and temperment-wise, despite being amazingly close. Acceptable groups of traits consist of:
  
  • Hot-headedness
  
  
  • Sexiness
  
  
  • Rebelliousness
  
  
  
  • Intelligence(-ness)
  
  
  • Prudishness
  
  
  • Practical-ness
  
  
  
  • Gentleness
  
  
  • Maternal-ness
  
  
  • Dreaminess
  
  
  These three categories of traits somehow all manage to get along spiffily. You must never have mix traits in these categories

Luckily, most romance novels that are recced to me directly go against these rules. I almost want to be a writer just so I can write romance novels that go completely against the grain.

Rules for romance novel heroes to come!

ETA: added cuts because I realized this was horrendously long.

Comments

[telophase.livejournal.com]

My favorites are the historical-romance heroines who are described as not matching the preferred standards of beauty at the time, but who would be drop-dead stunners in our time.

[oyceter]

That too! And of course the hero is so open-minded that even though the heroine is *gasp* a blonde, pale beauty when raven-haired people with olive skin is the norm, he thinks she gorgeous. This must also come with the obligatory "Oh no! Why am I blonde and skinny and pale instead of dark-skinned?! Woe is me!" angst from the heroine examining herself in the mirro ;).

[se-parsons.livejournal.com]

Have you read "the Mirror of Graces" - I think that's the title? It's a regency-era guidebook for women so they dress appropriately for their coloring, etc.

It actually says that if you have red hair and freckles you should never go out in public. Seriously. It's like all, "put a bag on your head and resign yourself to being an old maid because no one can stand your hideousness." It says that you should cover your hair AT ALL TIMES so no one has to see it.

There are all these set color guidelines about what you cant' wear and cuts of gowns, etc. etc.

It was VERY popular in its age. All the Regency geeks read it and it gets replicated in the books a lot. Could be part of the phenomenon you mention.

[minnow1212.livejournal.com]

I adore you.

[oyceter]

^_^

I was scared I was getting too bitter or off the mark =(. I suppose that will happen when one ends up chucking books at the wall though.

Plus, the hair color thing is so true!!

[yhlee.livejournal.com]

Bwah!

I used to try very hard to write things that go against the grain of, well, something. Then I found out that everything warps as I write it anyway, so I might as well leave be.

Could be fun to try, though!

*shifty eyes*

[oyceter]

Oh man, some day I shall make up some giant epic in my head that either completely lampoons all these or else breaks every single rule. Thrice.

[sartorias.livejournal.com]

Black-haired heroes and heroines in trilogies always have raven hair. Never ever black.

[oyceter]

I stand corrected! ;)

Although, of course, the hero can have hair as black as sin! The hero's physical attributes can pretty much all be described as ___ as sin though. Heroes must sin a whole lot. One would think they wouldn't have time to body build while doing all that sinning, but I guess they fit it in.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Despite your relative sexual inexperience, you must always orgasm whenever the hero touches you.

I misread this as, "you must always orgasm wherever the hero touches you." Which makes steering someone by the elbow a good deal more interesting than it's ever been in my life.

[oyceter]

*snerk*

I've always wanted an elbow orgasm myself, really....

[minim_calibre]

So very funny, and so very true!

Can't wait to see the rules for the dudes.

[oyceter]

Glad you enjoyed!

[avrelia.livejournal.com]

::dies beautifully::

[rilina.livejournal.com]

Hee. Under trilogy (or series), I would add that all heroines must make cameos in later books, and they must be pregnant or accompanied by offspring in those cameos.

I'm looking forward to the rules for heroes.

[oracne.livejournal.com]

Under trilogy (or series), I would add that all heroines must make cameos in later books, and they must be pregnant or accompanied by offspring in those cameos.

TOTALLY!!!

[graygirl.livejournal.com]

A-men. Snort. :p

[oracne.livejournal.com]

Wah!

I am, obviously, not capable of coherent comments this morning....

[oyceter]

Hee, no worries. Hopefully that was an amused "wah" instead of a "wah" of despair.

Hrm. Ok, I reread that sentence and it comes out completely strange. Oh well.

Seriously, that was inspired

[fresne.livejournal.com]

"If you are not a virgin, you must be a widow. As a widow, your dead husband never loved you. If he did, it was a lukewarm type of love. Regardless, sex with the dead husband was never as good as sex with the hero."

Which makes me think of this really terrible, but really funny historical series, where the main chick in book 1 had a quiet love with her shy husband. The sex is okay. He dies. But then she meets the man, who is going to bring her back to love. The sex is incredible.

Next book. He dies. She meets the man who is going to bring her back to love. The sex is fantastic, better than any she's ever known.

Next book. They have a bunch of incredible sex. He dies. A character, who has already fallen in love with her, nurses her back from her grief. The sex is the most mindblowing that she has ever known.

Thankfully there is no next book, because seriously, the next guy was going to kill her with pleasure. Plus, ummm...that's alot of husbands.


Aside from that, you also make me think of this Harlequin, where I kept turning to Karen and saying, "She's taller than him. Huh." Goes off to read more. "She's older than him. Huh." Goes off to read more. "Dude, he's a virgin and she's had several relationships." Decides not to leave book on plane.

Re: Seriously, that was inspired

[oracne.livejournal.com]

ROFLMAO!!!

So, what was the title of that Harlequin?

[pinkdormouse.livejournal.com]

Here via metafandom, and I've just had much fun spotting how many of those traits *don't* apply to the romance-reading heroine of my current writings (she prefers foreign-language romance novels because it makes her look studious when she encounters fellow academics on the train).

Now what I need is a similar list for heroines in crime fiction and/or contemporary fantasy so I can *really* see how far I'm deviating from the norm.

Shall also keep an eye out for your heroes list, so I can do similar with that.

Thanks for posting.

Gina

[oyceter]

Yay for your romance-reading heroine!

Glad you enjoyed ^_^.

[heresluck]

::snerk::

Thank goodness you did this. Now I don't have to.

::is lazy::

[oyceter]

Hee, glad it is of use ;). Alas, I am being horridly lazy about writing up the hero version, and then the sex manual version, but I figure I'll get there (someday).

[zhaneel69.livejournal.com]

Two Words: Emma Holly.

Current novel I'm reading: Heroine has sex with someone other than the hero in first 30 pages. Loves him, but it is a not good relationship and she leaves him. She initiates sex with the hero and is gorgoes cause she's supernatural.

She also write more hardcore erotica, but this romance is fun so far.

Catching Midnight.

Zhaneel

[oyceter]

Er, I actually tried an Emma Holly non-erotica book after thinking her erotica was not bad (one about a painter guy and some girl who pretends to be his maid?) and got totally thrown off by the seemingly anachronistic attitudes toward sex and the prose.

But I shall keep her on the radar! Thanks ^_^.

[dracothelizard.livejournal.com]

And it's all so very true.

Also, all relationship must result in marriage after something like a two months. A year maximum, anything longer than that is just doomed to fail. *snorts*

[greenygal.livejournal.com]

Although a breakup followed by a long period of separation is permissible, particularly if you are in your teens when you first meet. Once you get back together, however, the clock is ticking.

(And god, it's so true. I remember this one awful one where they've been dating for maybe a month and the hero starts getting all dramatic and accusatory about the fact that she hasn't FULLY COMMITTED to him yet, despite the fact that she has a small child to be concerned about and he knows she had a bad previous marriage. Dude, chill. She's not going anywhere, just let her have the time she needs, okay?)

[ladyelektra.livejournal.com]

*snort*

It's like romance writers have some sort of big book of rules. "Create your own romance novel by following this handy guide!"

[diefbaby.livejournal.com]

There *is* a book called "Romance Novel Writing For Dummies" - I saw it at B&N!

[(Anonymous)]

"Regardless, sex with the dead husband was never as good as sex with the hero."


...that's necrophilia...

3am laughter

[(Anonymous)]

I stumbled across this while writing a term paper for gender studies and I could not stop laughing. As a romance novel aficionado, I love the genre, but there is no denying the truth in all of these. Thank you for the laughter, and I may have to cite this blog now! hahaha.

Re: 3am laughter

[oyceter]

Thank you for reading, and I'm really glad you enjoyed it!

[(Anonymous)]

This is the best thing I've read. I think you might be my soulmate.

[oyceter]

Thank you!

(Do you mind signing comments?)

Using this blog...

[(Anonymous)]

Hi, my name is Sarah Miller and I'm a junior in college. I'm writing a senior seminar paper about ROmance novels and I'd very lmuch like to use this blog in my paper. Would you mind allowing me to do so?

Re: Using this blog...

[oyceter]

No problem! Good luck with your paper!

[theperfectlady.wordpress.com (from livejournal.com)]

There actually was a fat heroine in this romance novel. She was shy and dumpy.
But she ran off and became a pirate maiden and lost the weight within the first few pages.
Figures.

[oyceter]

Doh! I approve of pirate maidens, but whyyy weight loss?

[rambhai.livejournal.com]

Wow this one is a great description. I like this post. I am a keen reader of Romantic Novels. All time i read of foreign authors but these time i tried with the indian author Chetan Bhagat (http://www.infibeam.com/Books/search?author=Chetan%20Bhagat) with his 2 States: The Story of my marriage (http://www.infibeam.com/Books/info/chetan-bhagat/2-states-story-my-marriage/9788129115300.html) and found it to be the awesome piece of work.