(no subject)

[oyceter]

First mess-up at work today, sigh. Hopefully it wasn't very big, and I got it fixed quickly, but still. My manager wasn't there when it happened so I will have to tell her tomorrow. Unfortunately, the person whose job I was helping out with was the one who found out and was sort of grumpy about it.

I don't like being yelled at. And I am very sensitive to being yelled at, so what some people may just consider brusque is pretty scary for me. I was thinking about this after said incident today and about the guilt vs. shame society. I can't remember who said it (maybe Ruth Benedict of The Crysanthemum and the Sword) and how Asian cultures are supposed to be cultures of shame while Western cultures are more cultures of guilt. When I first heard this, I sort of shook my head and thought, wow, horribly essentialist. Now I'm wondering if the fear of yelling is part of the culture of shame thing? Or maybe it's just me. Because I think I would do a lot more things if I thought no one would catch me. Well, not thought. If I was sure of it. But I really dislike confrontation and arguments and being yelled at. And I never quite know how to respond, so mostly I think I just try to out-polite people.

I also just noticed today while talking to some old friends I haven't kept in touch with for a while (no, Anlee, I'm not talking about you!), I try to make my life seem as boring as possible. Mostly this is if I don't really trust them. But it's a sort of camouflage in a way... just be boring enough and ordinary enough and people will sort of just pass right by and not notice the true strangeness underneath. This is why I don't talk very much when I first get to know someone. It feels like I should sort of test the waters and let them talk more before I really start talking, because once I start talking, I don't really ever stop.

Taken from jonquil:
A book you own that no one on your friends list does: Er. Do you know how many books my FL has? I'm going to go with vols. 4-9 of Yazawa Ai's Nana in Japanese.

A CD you own that no one on your friends list does: Alas, my music taste is fairly common. Maybe one of my C-pop CDs... Guang Liang's first album.

A DVD/VHS tape you own that no one on your friends list does: The Taiwan version of Spirited Away.

A place you've been that no one on your friends list has been: Er. I'm just going to guess somewhere rural in Taiwan, except cychi is on my FL and he's probably been there too.

Comments

[oursin.livejournal.com]

I think Benedict was applying in that particular context Norbert Elias's theories about shame and guilt societies - his work (from what I know of it, i.e. very little) was mainly about the shift in (mostly Northern/Western) Europe in the early modern period to a guilt society based on internalised moral controls (associated with the rise of Protestantism, I believe).

[oyceter]

Ahhh, that makes more sense, thanks. I actually haven't read Benedict either, but I remember a professor or two mentioning the concepts in class.

[thewildmole.livejournal.com]

Don't know if this will help or not, but when I had people working for me? Those that made mistakes but then caught and fixed them, or caught them and told someone who could fix it, earned big points in my book.

The person may have been grumpy; however, I'd hazard a guess that (maybe not right then) they'll recognize that you caught it and fixed it versus letting it go and hoping someone else would catch it down the line.

Oh, and you? So not boring. So there :P :).

[oyceter]

I think it's ok now... but I had a horrible dream during the night that I told my boss and she gave me a big lecture not only on the mistake, but also on how I fixed it! Urgh. Bad way to wake up on a Friday morning.

Oh, and you? So not boring.

Hee! Thanks ^_^. The trick is to let the strange parts of your personality out sloooowly so as to not startle anyone ;).

[scrollgirl.livejournal.com]

Interesting what you say re culture of shame vs culture of guilt. I think I've learned to live with both. I hate, hate, HATE being publicly humiliated, so a boss or co-worker yelling at me or even just scolding me would be like, okay, floor open up and swallow me NOW. You and I and most Asians, I think, are probably like this.

OTOH, when I'm dealing with family and close friends, it's less about shame and more about guilt. My parents can't really shame me into behaving anymore (unless we're talking something really big, like them finding out about my slash habit -- which is why I don't tell them about my online life). Guilt-trips sometimes work though.

I think I understand why you want to make your life sound boring though. If I don't really want to talk to somebody, I make my life sound really dull. But when I want to get somebody interested in me (as just a friend) I drop hints about how strange my personality really is. It's like a delicate balance of how much I can reveal without worrying that somebody will look down on my oddness and make me feel ashamed.

...And that was probably way more than you wanted to know. I'll shut up now :)

[oyceter]

Ugh, public humiliation. Horrible, horrible thing. It even gets to me when I get honked at while driving... I feel so embarrassed, like everyone knows it's me. The worst experience was when I was having a really bad day already and accidently cut someone off. She pulled up next to me at a stop light and just rolled down her window and yelled at me.

Definitely understand about letting small hints about strange habits drop! And if the people pick up on things like Buffy or assorted indie movies or books or the like, then I let more stuff drop until they are (hopefully) used to me and my strange fascination with pop culture.

Also...

[scrollgirl.livejournal.com]

Ditto what thewildmole said -- I'm sure your boss will respect that you caught your mistake and fixed it.

But *hugs* for that pit-of-the-stomach sensation you're probably feeling. Or maybe that's just me. Do you get that feeling where you've made a mistake and you feel like such an idiot and you KNOW you can do so much better and now you feel like your boss won't give you another chance and you've got this black splotch on your record? ...Or that could just be me :P

Re: Also...

[oyceter]

You are so me!

(sorry, I've tried to reply to this three times, and each time my browser has crashed.)

I hate that feeling... I obsess about it all the time and think that I've somehow managed to mess up everything.