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oyceterSo I went to see Troy.
I am writing about it the second I have gotten through the door because it was the only way I could restrain myself from shouting at the movie screen.
Yeah. Bad. Let's just say for most of the movie, I was rolling my eyes so hard I was staring at the ceiling half the time.
First of all. Briseis is stupid. Incredibly, superbly stupid, on the level of dumb, spirited romance heroine stupid. In fact, the entire Achilles/Briseis romance (yes, romance, yes, she is a captured slave) reads like a very bad romance novel. She rages ineffectually against her captor, spiritedly slaps the men who try to rape her and toss her around until brave Achilles kills a few of his allies to rescue her (into, well, more captivity), then cuts Achilles down with her incredible wit and insight. Uh. Well. You know. Then she holds a knife to Achilles throat and, of course, doesn't use it, at which point Achilles, who says "Kill me! Kill me now!" in that oh so sexy insane alpha bastard way, rolls over with her knife still at his throat and kisses her. Then they have incredible sex.
Just writing about this makes me want to bash my head against my desk. Multiple times.
A freaking bad romance novel. Wolfgang Peterson turned The Iliad, of all books, into a bad romance novel. ARGH.
Then the romantic Achilles nearly strangles her as she runs up to him after he's found his cousin died. Of course, all this is forgiven when he oh so nobly releases her from captivity and then braves the burning walls of Troy to look for her. And as Paris kills him (with arrows, I always thought that was wimpy on Paris' part. Of course, I've never thought very well of Paris to begin with), she runs to him and holds him lovingly (it's the captor/captive relationship, really. So hard to get more intimate and loving than with a man who's killed your countrymen), and he whispers tenderly (in a scene that goes on for eternity, in which I begin rolling my eyes, rubbing my temples and biting my tongue to try really, really hard not to repeatedly slap my forehead) that she has taught him about peace. So touching.
I'm sorry. I was really, incredibly annoyed at this movie.
Let me put this in perspective: I had read most of the reviews on Rotten Tomatoes and on LJ, so I was prepared for the changes in plot. I told myself I was there for the eye candy. I got really pissed off about the changes in the plot anyhow. I used to read re-tellings of the Iliad when I still lived in Colorado, so I would have been seven, at the youngest. And I was reading Greek myths obsessively for a few years too. The story of Troy was my favorite, the longer and the gorier, the better. So I was rather annoyed with the change from the two slave girls to Achilles' Twu Wuv and the entire war to Agamemnon's play for power. I speak as an incredibly irked fan.
And it's not even as though they changed the story for any reasons I can possibly understand! Comparisons to LotR came to mind all the time when I was watching this. I cared about what happened then. In this movie, Peterson decides to shove down my throat that the Trojans are peace-loving and wonderful, while the evil Greeks only want power and land. And it's hard to care for either side, which makes watching them war incredibly boring.
Achilles is a giant spoiled brat in the movie. Of course, he's also a giant spoiled brat in the book as well (along with Agamemnon and their oh-so-petty squabble over slave girls), but at least in the book, they know they are spoiled brats. Even the gods are spoiled brats at times. Unfortunately, the movie tries to convince us somehow that Achilles is deep.
I am also baffled by the choice to portray Agamemnon as evil, power hungry ruler. I guess I haven't read a retelling of The Iliad in a long time (I've never read the original), so I don't remember all that clearly. Ok, I kind of understand their desire to portray the Trojan War in a way that would make sense -- fighting ten years over a woman, no matter how beautiful, makes no sense. But it was about honor and all that great Greek stuff, and they decided to make everything real, and down-to-earth and political. It takes away all the grandeur from the original. Despite Sean Bean's voiceovers, despite all assurances to the contrary in the movie, the Trojan War is not the war to end all wars in this movie. It's not even a war that should live on in legend. It's just some dumb political skirmish. LotR was a war movie about the good little people can do, about good and evil and fighting evil for things like the Shire. Troy is about fighting because your stupid prince stole some king's wife because he was horny, about fighting because your king decided he wants to rule more land. Woo hoo. What happened to all the big, glorious battles I remember? They try to avoid having the people come off as archetypes and instead have them coming off as merely dumb.
Other things that annoyed me:
- Paris. Paris, Paris, Paris. Of course, I have never liked Paris. Stupid decision. I could imagine Hector's thoughts when Paris is lying at his feet with Menelaus menacing, yelling, "Fight me!! What warrior are you?!" -- Hector's sitting there, rubbing his temples, thinking, "I am so embarrassed." And he has to go fight and die because of this dumb boy and his stupid ideas of love. And no, I don't think he's in tragic, deathless love with Helen (it's the whole Romeo and Juliet thing). He's slept with her for what, a week? And that is tragic, that Hector has to do that, except the movie sort of forgets that, oh, PARIS IS STUPID, because Greeks bad! Trojans good!
- They don't even have Agamemnon pretend to be interested in Briseis. I wanted to see the two squabble like brats.
- They forgot that Achilles and Patroclus are thisclose. Instead, Patroclus talks to Achilles about three times total in the movie. Ten times more screentime is wasted on Achilles and Briseis, and as a result, Patroclus' decision to go out in Achilles' armor looks rather foolhardy and young. They don't have the context of Achilles sulking for who knows how long, of the demoralization, of Patroclus taking his place because someone had to do something. And as a result, Achilles' grief for his cousin looks entirely overdone because the movie couldn't bother to spend the time to build the relationship. Actually, that's the problem I have with the whole movie. No emotional resonance, not even an attempt beyond sketchy shorthand to even try to build emotional resonance.
- I get three female characters. One is contemptible and falls in love with the man who is her captor and physically hurts her (Briseis), one has no agency over her own life and ends up another pretty face (Helen, who I actually sort of liked in a vague way), and one is the embodiment of hearth and home (Andromache). I know, The Iliad's not really very pro-female in the first place. But, hey, where's Cassandra?! She was cool, in that doomed, prophetic sort of way. And while she has no agency, that's the point. No goddesses to even up the score either. Oh no, it's all about the sun god, the sun god, Apollo, Apollo. What about Aphrodite?! Isn't Paris her favorite? No one talks about her.
- Did I mention the entire Trojan War takes place over maybe two weeks? And twelve of those days are spent not fighting? Yeah. Very epic, truly. What happened to the ten-year siege?
- Also, Paris gets to live. Andromache gets to live. Andromache's baby gets to live. Briseis gets to live. The only reason we get to feel tragic about Troy is the death of Priam and the burning of the city. They should take lessons from Angel on real tragedy.
Things that didn't annoy me (very few):
- Helen wasn't too bad.
- Hector was pretty cool.
- Odysseus was pretty cool. Unfortunately, he didn't have much to do. I've always liked Odysseus... he and Kung Ming (the Odysseus-esque character in The Three Kingdoms). I like the smart, wily guys.
- I like the shout-out to The Aeneid. (I said to the boy, "Well, at least I liked that little bit with Aeneas!" The boy replies: "Who?" *headdesk*)
- Apparently, no one in those days wore underwear. They also wore little flappy skirts to fight in. The skirts flapped up a lot and I saw a lot of partially naked boy butt.
Yup. I need to stop watching TV fannishly, or something. Usually (esp. with Alias), whenever things annoy me (ahem, Vaughn), I yell at the TV and vent. Unfortunately, this has led to the desire to do that whenever. I had to really watch myself so I didn't say sarcastic things very loudly during the movie. Truly, my self-control was taxed horribly. Also, did I mention the burning desire to bash my head into the seat in front of me? I decided against it, for fear I'd look completely insane.
I also only got sucky previews. Ugh. It's a big summer blockbuster!! Where were all the big summer blockbuster trailers?! I wanted to see the PoA trailer and the one for Spider-Man. Oh, yeah, I was mad at the previews too.
I was very excited about the Catwoman preview until they did a close-up shot on Halle Berry's eye turning into a cat-eye-like eye. From the brief shots they showed, they gave her superpowers! WTF?! She's Catwoman! She doesn't fricking need superpowers! Besides, that's why she's cool, like Batman. Ugh. And this Constantine movie, with Keanu Reeves. Is he supposed to be John Constantine from Hellblazer?! Again, WTF?! Stupid people. I wish they could figure out that if they want to make a good comic book movie, they should read the comic! They should like the comic! Argh. I guess X-Men sort of disproves my point. But I mean, look at the horrors of the Batman movies (with the exception of Batman Returns, which was awesome because I love Tim Burton and Michelle Pfeiffer as Catwoman was cool beyond the telling of it). I bet people are just looking at Spider-Man and even LotR and thinking, hey, geeks spend money! Except they do not respect the geeks, unlike Sam Raimi and Peter Jackson. Furthermore, I bet they are not geeks themselves.
This geek is annoyed.
Also: I find it funny that in some aspects, the boy and I have a funny movie dynamic. Stereotypically the guy wants to see all the actiony movies and the girl wants to see the chick flicks, yeah? Generally I want to see all the comic book adaptations (unless they have bad reviews). I have to drag the boy to see these. He has no knowledge of comic books at all. He didn't even know Bruce Wayne was Batman. Deprived childhood, I tell you. And he has no excuse! I mean, *pulls standard excuse in* I grew up in Taiwan and I know that! And for the previews, he was all excited about the sort of touchy-feely looking Spielberg/Hanks movie (The Terminal), for which I was doing major eye-rolling. Luckily, we both agree on caper movies (Ocean's Twelve!).
I am writing about it the second I have gotten through the door because it was the only way I could restrain myself from shouting at the movie screen.
Yeah. Bad. Let's just say for most of the movie, I was rolling my eyes so hard I was staring at the ceiling half the time.
First of all. Briseis is stupid. Incredibly, superbly stupid, on the level of dumb, spirited romance heroine stupid. In fact, the entire Achilles/Briseis romance (yes, romance, yes, she is a captured slave) reads like a very bad romance novel. She rages ineffectually against her captor, spiritedly slaps the men who try to rape her and toss her around until brave Achilles kills a few of his allies to rescue her (into, well, more captivity), then cuts Achilles down with her incredible wit and insight. Uh. Well. You know. Then she holds a knife to Achilles throat and, of course, doesn't use it, at which point Achilles, who says "Kill me! Kill me now!" in that oh so sexy insane alpha bastard way, rolls over with her knife still at his throat and kisses her. Then they have incredible sex.
Just writing about this makes me want to bash my head against my desk. Multiple times.
A freaking bad romance novel. Wolfgang Peterson turned The Iliad, of all books, into a bad romance novel. ARGH.
Then the romantic Achilles nearly strangles her as she runs up to him after he's found his cousin died. Of course, all this is forgiven when he oh so nobly releases her from captivity and then braves the burning walls of Troy to look for her. And as Paris kills him (with arrows, I always thought that was wimpy on Paris' part. Of course, I've never thought very well of Paris to begin with), she runs to him and holds him lovingly (it's the captor/captive relationship, really. So hard to get more intimate and loving than with a man who's killed your countrymen), and he whispers tenderly (in a scene that goes on for eternity, in which I begin rolling my eyes, rubbing my temples and biting my tongue to try really, really hard not to repeatedly slap my forehead) that she has taught him about peace. So touching.
I'm sorry. I was really, incredibly annoyed at this movie.
Let me put this in perspective: I had read most of the reviews on Rotten Tomatoes and on LJ, so I was prepared for the changes in plot. I told myself I was there for the eye candy. I got really pissed off about the changes in the plot anyhow. I used to read re-tellings of the Iliad when I still lived in Colorado, so I would have been seven, at the youngest. And I was reading Greek myths obsessively for a few years too. The story of Troy was my favorite, the longer and the gorier, the better. So I was rather annoyed with the change from the two slave girls to Achilles' Twu Wuv and the entire war to Agamemnon's play for power. I speak as an incredibly irked fan.
And it's not even as though they changed the story for any reasons I can possibly understand! Comparisons to LotR came to mind all the time when I was watching this. I cared about what happened then. In this movie, Peterson decides to shove down my throat that the Trojans are peace-loving and wonderful, while the evil Greeks only want power and land. And it's hard to care for either side, which makes watching them war incredibly boring.
Achilles is a giant spoiled brat in the movie. Of course, he's also a giant spoiled brat in the book as well (along with Agamemnon and their oh-so-petty squabble over slave girls), but at least in the book, they know they are spoiled brats. Even the gods are spoiled brats at times. Unfortunately, the movie tries to convince us somehow that Achilles is deep.
I am also baffled by the choice to portray Agamemnon as evil, power hungry ruler. I guess I haven't read a retelling of The Iliad in a long time (I've never read the original), so I don't remember all that clearly. Ok, I kind of understand their desire to portray the Trojan War in a way that would make sense -- fighting ten years over a woman, no matter how beautiful, makes no sense. But it was about honor and all that great Greek stuff, and they decided to make everything real, and down-to-earth and political. It takes away all the grandeur from the original. Despite Sean Bean's voiceovers, despite all assurances to the contrary in the movie, the Trojan War is not the war to end all wars in this movie. It's not even a war that should live on in legend. It's just some dumb political skirmish. LotR was a war movie about the good little people can do, about good and evil and fighting evil for things like the Shire. Troy is about fighting because your stupid prince stole some king's wife because he was horny, about fighting because your king decided he wants to rule more land. Woo hoo. What happened to all the big, glorious battles I remember? They try to avoid having the people come off as archetypes and instead have them coming off as merely dumb.
Other things that annoyed me:
- Paris. Paris, Paris, Paris. Of course, I have never liked Paris. Stupid decision. I could imagine Hector's thoughts when Paris is lying at his feet with Menelaus menacing, yelling, "Fight me!! What warrior are you?!" -- Hector's sitting there, rubbing his temples, thinking, "I am so embarrassed." And he has to go fight and die because of this dumb boy and his stupid ideas of love. And no, I don't think he's in tragic, deathless love with Helen (it's the whole Romeo and Juliet thing). He's slept with her for what, a week? And that is tragic, that Hector has to do that, except the movie sort of forgets that, oh, PARIS IS STUPID, because Greeks bad! Trojans good!
- They don't even have Agamemnon pretend to be interested in Briseis. I wanted to see the two squabble like brats.
- They forgot that Achilles and Patroclus are thisclose. Instead, Patroclus talks to Achilles about three times total in the movie. Ten times more screentime is wasted on Achilles and Briseis, and as a result, Patroclus' decision to go out in Achilles' armor looks rather foolhardy and young. They don't have the context of Achilles sulking for who knows how long, of the demoralization, of Patroclus taking his place because someone had to do something. And as a result, Achilles' grief for his cousin looks entirely overdone because the movie couldn't bother to spend the time to build the relationship. Actually, that's the problem I have with the whole movie. No emotional resonance, not even an attempt beyond sketchy shorthand to even try to build emotional resonance.
- I get three female characters. One is contemptible and falls in love with the man who is her captor and physically hurts her (Briseis), one has no agency over her own life and ends up another pretty face (Helen, who I actually sort of liked in a vague way), and one is the embodiment of hearth and home (Andromache). I know, The Iliad's not really very pro-female in the first place. But, hey, where's Cassandra?! She was cool, in that doomed, prophetic sort of way. And while she has no agency, that's the point. No goddesses to even up the score either. Oh no, it's all about the sun god, the sun god, Apollo, Apollo. What about Aphrodite?! Isn't Paris her favorite? No one talks about her.
- Did I mention the entire Trojan War takes place over maybe two weeks? And twelve of those days are spent not fighting? Yeah. Very epic, truly. What happened to the ten-year siege?
- Also, Paris gets to live. Andromache gets to live. Andromache's baby gets to live. Briseis gets to live. The only reason we get to feel tragic about Troy is the death of Priam and the burning of the city. They should take lessons from Angel on real tragedy.
Things that didn't annoy me (very few):
- Helen wasn't too bad.
- Hector was pretty cool.
- Odysseus was pretty cool. Unfortunately, he didn't have much to do. I've always liked Odysseus... he and Kung Ming (the Odysseus-esque character in The Three Kingdoms). I like the smart, wily guys.
- I like the shout-out to The Aeneid. (I said to the boy, "Well, at least I liked that little bit with Aeneas!" The boy replies: "Who?" *headdesk*)
- Apparently, no one in those days wore underwear. They also wore little flappy skirts to fight in. The skirts flapped up a lot and I saw a lot of partially naked boy butt.
Yup. I need to stop watching TV fannishly, or something. Usually (esp. with Alias), whenever things annoy me (ahem, Vaughn), I yell at the TV and vent. Unfortunately, this has led to the desire to do that whenever. I had to really watch myself so I didn't say sarcastic things very loudly during the movie. Truly, my self-control was taxed horribly. Also, did I mention the burning desire to bash my head into the seat in front of me? I decided against it, for fear I'd look completely insane.
I also only got sucky previews. Ugh. It's a big summer blockbuster!! Where were all the big summer blockbuster trailers?! I wanted to see the PoA trailer and the one for Spider-Man. Oh, yeah, I was mad at the previews too.
I was very excited about the Catwoman preview until they did a close-up shot on Halle Berry's eye turning into a cat-eye-like eye. From the brief shots they showed, they gave her superpowers! WTF?! She's Catwoman! She doesn't fricking need superpowers! Besides, that's why she's cool, like Batman. Ugh. And this Constantine movie, with Keanu Reeves. Is he supposed to be John Constantine from Hellblazer?! Again, WTF?! Stupid people. I wish they could figure out that if they want to make a good comic book movie, they should read the comic! They should like the comic! Argh. I guess X-Men sort of disproves my point. But I mean, look at the horrors of the Batman movies (with the exception of Batman Returns, which was awesome because I love Tim Burton and Michelle Pfeiffer as Catwoman was cool beyond the telling of it). I bet people are just looking at Spider-Man and even LotR and thinking, hey, geeks spend money! Except they do not respect the geeks, unlike Sam Raimi and Peter Jackson. Furthermore, I bet they are not geeks themselves.
This geek is annoyed.
Also: I find it funny that in some aspects, the boy and I have a funny movie dynamic. Stereotypically the guy wants to see all the actiony movies and the girl wants to see the chick flicks, yeah? Generally I want to see all the comic book adaptations (unless they have bad reviews). I have to drag the boy to see these. He has no knowledge of comic books at all. He didn't even know Bruce Wayne was Batman. Deprived childhood, I tell you. And he has no excuse! I mean, *pulls standard excuse in* I grew up in Taiwan and I know that! And for the previews, he was all excited about the sort of touchy-feely looking Spielberg/Hanks movie (The Terminal), for which I was doing major eye-rolling. Luckily, we both agree on caper movies (Ocean's Twelve!).
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Sat, May. 22nd, 2004 05:05 am (UTC)(no subject)
Sun, May. 23rd, 2004 01:00 am (UTC)