Sakura of DOOM

Tenth blogiversary

Fri, 01 Feb 2013 19:17:21 GMT

I started my Livejournal ten years ago today, when I was crushingly depressed, in the middle of my senior thesis, and so gray that Buffy was one of the only things that kept me going. I wrote a bit about how reading valerie_z's LJ got me to start using the word "depression" for what I was feeling, and I wanted an LJ of my own both to talk about my own depression but also to talk about Buffy. I didn't have many expectations, just the hope that a few people would drop by with kind words or Jossverse squee. Vague hopes, really, and even at my most optimistic, I barely touched on just how influential that choice to buy a one-month subscription—I didn't know anyone to get an invite code from—could possibly be.

I don't know what I would have done, those first few years out of undergrad, if I hadn't had my blog, if I hadn't had people talking honestly and openly about therapy and meds, both things that absolutely terrified me. I don't know what I would have done without book recs and squee and people cheering me on when I got my first Real Job, particularly when I knew it was something my parents were not too happy with. I don't know what I would have done without you guys when my first boyfriend broke up with me, the sympathetic comments and treats in the mail and mix tapes (CDs) and phone calls all tangible proof that someone (many someones) out there cared.

This is how I first heard about Wiscon and how I decided to finally go in 2006, how I started to finally take what I had learned of feminism from you all and apply it to my experiences of being Chinese, to so many of the things that had bugged me in college that I couldn't quite put a finger on. This is how I learned to be angry and how I learned to speak up, how I learned that the best friends would listen and disagree and argue and it wouldn't be the end of the of the world, that Geek Social Fallacies were fallacies and not everyone I liked had to like each other. This is where I learned that what I had to say was important too.

I want to focus on this not because of how it changed my politics (because I've written a lot about that), but because of how it changed the way I interacted with people. Learning to say no, to disagree, to draw boundaries, to realize friendships aren't transitive, to trust my own instincts, to believe that I have something to say and something worth saying while also holding open the possibility of being wrong, all of these are things I do imperfectly, but these things have made such a difference to me offline, from grad school to my current relationship with CB to how I now interact with my family.

So much of who I am right now is tied up so tightly with this blog, from experiences both happy and painful to some of the best friends I have. Thanks to everyone who has read and commented, past and present and hopefully future. These collections of words didn't just save my life so many years ago, they've shaped and molded it into something I never could have anticipated, and I'm so glad my tenth blogiversary is happening at a time I'm starting to post more and when so many other people seem to be too.

♥

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Fri, 25 Jan 2013 22:13:09 GMT

I just saw the news that valerie_z has passed away. Oh man.

I never knew her in person, but I was an avid reader of her LJ when I first got into Buffy in college. In many ways, she helped save my life. She used to post frequently and at length about depression, and it was largely due to those posts that I managed to figure out that that was what was happening to me. And if she hadn't been so open about it, it probably would have taken me years more to acknowledge that my depression was depression, not just a bout, not just me being lazy and weak and sucky. I didn't gather the courage to go to therapy until a year or two later, but she played a huge part in my beginning to normalize depression instead of pretending it didn't exist, and I am so grateful she chose to talk about it online. The combination of personal and fannish Buffy talk on her LJ was a big factor in getting me to sign up.

I also loved reading her because she made me laugh, because she liked Dawn, because she talked about vidding. I still have one of her Dawn vids ("When I Grow Up") saved on my computer, downloaded from when she first posted it.

My thoughts are with her friends and family.

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Thu, 10 Jan 2013 23:27:47 GMT

staranise has a brief guide to telling doctors about psychological symptoms. I kind of knew how I talked about depression has changed after years of therapy and when I compare it to how CB talks about it, but this really crystallizes it.
I've been having a ton of fun reading 12_12_12's posts on Avatar and Korra.
skygiants has been bookblogging her read of Les Miserables, which is really fun to read, especially after seeing the movie.
Captain Awkward has a really good post on depression being contagious; i.e. what happens when you're in a long-term relationship with a depressed person. The relationships in the letters are romantic, but I feel it applies to any long-term relationship. (Probably there is even more for when you are a child dealing with a depressed parent.) The comments in particular are great.
laceblade is hosting a discussion on potential anime/manga panels for Wiscon. It'd be great to get input from tons of people, even if you aren't interested in Wiscon!

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Fannish things

Wed, 26 Sep 2012 22:06:01 GMT

CB and I have been watching Buffy and Angel, with him watching for the first time and me being all, "I want to watch [episode title] with you!" I think he just started this year, and we're already in the beginning of Buffy S7 and just finished Angel S4 yesterday.

It's funny because the prior seasons of Buffy make me feel nostalgic for the characters, who aren't quite as broken as they get later, but the latter seasons make me feel nostalgic for me, since I started watching live and engaging with fandom around S6. It's funny just how many posts I remember from when I was lurking around AtPoBtVS, from the ones connecting everything to Restless to all the spoilery ones I devoured.

I remember various fannish wars and arguments too, but mostly I have a large fuzzy feeling toward fandom right now. It's especially interesting going through memories as someone who just delurked and started to tentatively send out feelers, versus now, when quite a few of my best friends are from the groups of people I met on DW/LJ and I talk about it regularly with CB and we have OTW and I go to cons and etc.

I don't remember very much from my senior year of college since it was mostly being depressed, fighting with people, and being even more depressed, but I remember Buffy and Angel posts and discussions and what vids came out when and I can still tell you how my ideas about antiheroes and angst and manpain has changed just from AtPo.

And it's odd watching and knowing about all the social justice fail in the shows. I think CB gets a bit defensive when I critique at times, but he is newly falling in love with them, whereas I am the Bitter Old Fan ranting about Firefly and Dr. Horrible and Dollhouse and yet still cheers on the idea of a Joss-run SHIELD show.

( Random notes, spoilers for all of Buffy and Angel )

Mostly, though, it's hard to believe this was ten years ago.

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Points of difference: 1988-2010

Thu, 23 Jun 2011 21:19:00 GMT

For chomiji, who asked for "stories about your personal history and encountering and/or embracing a situation that occurred because of a point of difference" for her con_or_bust post.

( 1988-2010 )

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